GEL, I've been reading about your sitch. Mind boggling to say the least. After all that counseling, he claims he didn't believe you when you said you wanted the R to be more sexual? I'm not doubting he said that or meant it... but yikes! I think he has a lot in common with my bf, namely wanting it but being scared of it, too.

In my new fav book (well one of my two new favs) Reclaiming Healthy Sexual Desire, she has a stream-of-consciousness monologue of what kind of thoughts canrun through a guy's head before sex (this was written by a man, one of her clients)...I thought about posting this on my thread, but so much of this sounds like your H could have said it (and my bf, and Mr Honey, and possibly Mr. Karen, too)...
Quote:

Where's the rule book, how do I do this? Oh performance, can I keep it up, will I come too soon? But then what if I do it too well and you will want to consume me and smother me? Be careful, don't look at her, don't be too open. My fears say you don't really like sex, you want something from me, You don't really love me, you just want something, You are disgusted by me and my penis is disgusting. It's dirty and smelly and you think I want to control you with it. Then they say you like sex and all you want to do is use me. You just want a hard penis to do what you want with. All I am is a hard penis to you, a servant, your gigolo.

Men are disgusting. "Men," my mother said with disgust. So I didn't want to be a man. Yet at the seme time, a man is defined by how hard his c0ck is. So don't have any of your feelings. It's easier for a women to become just a sex object and you just a machine.

If I put my hand on your breast, you would think it was inappropriate-- and a lot of men before me were inappropriate because they have shut off their feelings to live up to the requirements. So why should you trust me? And I have shut off my feelings, too, and created a lot of distrust. I touched breasts when I didn't see the rest of the woman, and then when they objected I thought it was me they didn't like. But I couldn't look at the whole woman, it was too frightening to see her. She might be seeing me the way my mother saw men, She might not know I am not one of those men-- but there I was acting just like one because I was afraid of her reactions. And now that I am ready to see all of you, I'm afraid it's too late.

Men excuse their behavior by saying their penis doesn't have a conscience. It controls them., This means they can't be trusted about anything sexual. If you believe this, then you shouldn't trust me. I don't want to be one of them but I am born with a penis, And I like my penis. I don't want to abandon it because women won't trust me with it. I do have a conscience about my sexuality, and I want you to know it. If I shut down when we are sexual, it is because of all the fear from years of training. See past it. I am not how my mother said men are.

I set it up so you come after me because that will mean you really care for me and love me. But you feel that I don't really want sex. If I pursue you, I am sure you will find my sexual feelings and wanting of you disgusting and inappropriate. But if you pursue, then my performance stuff comes up. I have to do it right just the way you want it. So I want to pursue, but if I do then I can't believe you are really loving me. I have to do it as long as you want because if I don't, I am less than a man. I am only as valuable as I am able to perform.

If I come before you do, then you will think sex is over and I won't want to be involved with your orgasm. You think sex is disgusting for me if I don't get aroused again. I assume you are pissed off and disappointed because the only way you can have any pleasure is if I have an erection. When we do continue to be sexual, I am amazed that you still want to be sexual.

Then there are the times when I think you want to just suck me up into you through your vagina. I feel like I'll never be my own person again, I'll be lost. Even though sometimes when our bodies seem to melt into one it feels so incredible, and I want to do it again and again. But then I don't want to have sex and then I think I should because me are supposed to want to.

I can't rouch your breast when we aren't having sex because I think it will be disgusting to you. I don't know when you will be receptive, even thought I know you so well in all other ways, I am very sensitive to your moods and what your body communicates when he hug. I know when you want to be hugged and when you don't. But I lose that ability to know when I reach out to touch your breast. My feelings get shut off and then it proves to you that I am not open to your needs and feelings. And so it is just easier to not have sex. Or to space out and leave you when we do, But I have lost the ability to do that. Our relationship has become too real because we talk about everything and know each other so well. You'd think that if I knew you so well, I would with sex, too, but it is harder with sex. And since I haven't expeained these things to you, then you don't know me either. So let's just not have sex!

But that's not an option. I want to be sexual with you. I love you and I am spending my life with you. And when these voices are quiet, the sexual loving is something I have never known.

This is so poignant, it makes me want to cry...