Just read about what happened. I have been off the board for a bit with about a 100 things going on. I am so sorry to hear about what you found out. I can say I know how you feel. I to had caught my husband at that same site.
The one thing that really concerns me about what your husband did was that he actually paid to use this site. So he was paying to get all the benefits from it like e-mail, etc. My husband was registered and had a bio and everything. But he never paid for the site. I think I would have really lost it. Also it concerns me that he was actually e-mailing women for a date. I know it sounds like you are on top of everything and being cautious. Just continue to do so would be my advice. It just really concerns me that he had a woman e-mailing that lived so close by. He could have deleted e-mails that you never got a chance to read. Or made phone calls at work. It don't cost anything for someone to have sex with someone else. So maybe if this woman was also married they could have been very secretive about things. I don;t want to make you worry more then you have been. It just really concerns me he took it as far as he did. Also just be prepared that he may be giving you the kind of attention you want right to blow things over more quickly. That is what my husband did after I foind out. But he wernt right back to the way he was. Right now your hu8sband probably feels like he has a whole lot of making up for what he did.
Big (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) to you. Again I am sorry to hear about this.
That one woman is the one thing that does still stick in my mind. The one thing that I was able to learn from catching him at this the way I did....when I logged on as him, was that I was able to view all the e-mails he'd sent and received on that site. He didn't delete ANY of them...of course because he never thought I'd actually see it.
Also on his Yahoo e-mail, the same thing....there were no e-mails on there either from any specific women. This is another place, he would not have deleted e-mails from. My H is a pack rat in every sense of the word. He NEVER deletes e-mails...he certainly wouldn't have out of either of those accounts because he thought they were both "safe".
I've also made my concerns about this woman who lives in the area he hunts more than apparant. That is the main reason there is no more going hunting without me along for the trip....and why I'm monitoring his cell phone without his knowledge. He has A LOT of proving himself to me to do.
I'm also aware that this may be a temporary behavior, all of the other times have been temporary so why not this one as well? Only time will tell cally.
Thanks but I don't know that what I've been doing is all that admirable....I'm just trying to listen to my gut and follow my feelings at the time to try to stay true to myself. I appreciate the credit you are giving me, but please know....if I had a shock collar that fit him, he'd be wearing it right about now too.
I'm glad you followed your heart about this. To whatever extent your H betrayed your trust his actions prove that he LOVES YOU!!!
I am not winking at his wrong behavior..at all!...but when a very similar thing happened to me with my H the foremost thought in my mind was (for me) 1) I KNOW him and he is a good man...2) Whatever this was that happened (it is hell!)...if I HAD BEEN THE ONE TO DO it HOW??? would I have wanted him to treat me?
Knowing my husband, I figured his guilt would probably be even greater than my pain and feelings of betrayal. DOn't misunderstand...he's had to prove otherwise to me as after a few years trust is still being reestablished.
The action is wrong..however, what is behind the action that promoted it...there was obviously kinks in the armor of our marriage and R that needed to be worked on.
I pray that you are able to work through this and that your marriage becomes all you both want it to be!
Had an interesting convo with the hubby last night.
We were sitting around watching tv (2 1/2 Men, H's fav)...and one of the main characters was talking about how his GF was trying to change who he was. In the show, I would agree...she was.
I spoke up during one of the scenes where it was quite obvious that she was trying to change him to be what she wanted him to be and said "that's just not right, she shouldn't do that and he shouldn't put up with it." He agreed and said she was being really controlling...so I asked him flat-out. "Do you think I try to control you?"...he said "Heck no! You're just trying to help me straighten my sh!t out....and I've been meaning to thank you for that." Surprised the heck outta me that he said that.
He followed that up by saying "I guess I just got into this frame of mind that you get married....you have a kid....and that's that. The woman keeps the house and raises the kids, you work together to do that...and it's my responsibility to work hard and bring home the money and help you.....but that's it. It never even really entered my mind that we were "supposed" to keep having sex."
I asked him a bit about that and to keep this short...from what I understood he had this preconceived notion that when you marry and have a family....the sex stops. That he shouldn't expect that from me anymore. Sounds a bit odd I know...don't worry guys my BSometer is always on anymore. But there was a tone that says there was something to that. I asked him why then, when I was constantly bringing up the fact that I wasn't happy with our SL, did he not step up. His very simple response to that was "I didn't believe you really meant it....but now I get it."
I've been doing a bit of thinking about that and think there may be some truth to it. His parents NEVER talked about sex, in fact when there's anything remotely sexual on tv his mom gets all flustered and changes the channel. If ANY of his past R's were truly sexually controlling....then that coupled with his parents behavior could lead to that perception. I don't know...that's going to be up to our counselor to ferret out.
We've been having many little conversations similar to this one though, so at least he's talking....and he's doing some things in a more sexual fashion as well....such as walking up behind me and actually rubbing his crotch against me....unheard of just a few weeks ago....or making sexual innuendo conversation with me.
Like I've said many times lately....this behavior is going to have to continue long-term...and my guard is still WAY up. But even I, someone who doesn't pray very often....has been praying about this and asking for help. There's a new song out by Carrie Underwood right now I'm wanting to learn but I can't get though it yet without crying....so I use it as my prayer everyday...."Jesus Take The Wheel".
When you guys hear it....say a little prayer for us if you don't mind.
I definately have you and Mr. Gel in my prayers. I am glad that he seems to be making strides. I am likewise glad that your guard is still up. Hang in there.
GEL I think that was a very positive conversation and absolutely critical for your long-term success. Sure, keep the BS meter running, but the fact that he could at least state what he did is a huge step. Just helps support my claim that our ATTITUDES about sex and M play such a huge role in our sexual behavior. Unfortunately, his views are all too common. Bet lots of people on this board can see their S saying somewhat the same thing, especially the LDW's. Keep the communication going and encourage him to be his "true" self with you, the one that both of you want him to be. I'm sure the inconsistency of his sexual beliefs (can't express my true sexuality in M, but still need to have an outlet for that expression), was driving him to depression and guilt. This could be a real turning point in your M. Lots of times that is what is necessary to stop all the BS and just get real. BTDT. Stay strong. You are doing great!
Quote: if I had a shock collar that fit him, he'd be wearing it right about now too.
Now there's an idea for the bedroom
GEL, good for you getting back in the saddle. Be careful though, I don't believe in instant fixes (I know you don't either) Please don't get complacent with his early efforts is all I am saying.
Found a good resource on cyber-sex, sex addiction etc... The website is www.selfhelpmagazine.com They have some quizzes and even a "self help" program for people who have done some on-line sexual acting out. There are some really good articles in the sexuality section. Check it out, you might find some worthwhile information on it. This is not a religiously based website.
Thanks, don't worry...I don't believe in instant fixes either. Especially right now...as I've told him he's going to have to continue this behavior for a long time before I believe it's a "change". He's also going to have to really step up and start dealing with the emotional baggage he's never dealt with and figure out why he did what he did to me and our R....when all along I was telling him precisely what I needed of him and he chose to meet his needs the entire time without me.
