Well guys, I'm back to post another update for you.
This has been a really tough week for me since I found out what I did a week ago friday, but I'm surviving and things are doing better. There are days I'm so hurt and so angry at him I can barely look at him, then there are days I just want to hold him close and never let go...sometimes I have those feelings at the same time....but I have them, I express them....and I get them out in the open.
My H has tried to get in to see our therapist, but can't get in til this Wed (I've verified this). We've done quite a bit of talking off and on during the time too....he knows how much damage he's done.....now hopefully he'll do lots of talking with her too and deal with whatever demons he has so we can finally put this behind us.
I've continued to monitor all of his activities, so I can find out just how deep this whole issue went with him on adultfriendfinder. I've monitored credit cards, gotten statements from months back, still monitoring his cell phone (which he is completely unaware of)...checked his phone for anything suspicious as well (phonebook etc)...and am continuing to monitor his computer activity.
I'm happy to report....I've found NOTHING further. No suspicious phone calls I couldn't verify, no suspicious activity (other than paying for adultfriendfinder) on his credit cards, no suspicious people in his cell phone contacts. Does this mean I'm completely comfortable yet...oh heck no! He's a long way from me trusting him again, but each day I don't find anything I thank God and keep trudging on.
I have my really down moments, but right now those are getting fewer fortunately and I'm finding it easier to make it through my day without going completely insane....especially since I'm able to verify daily that he's not done anything suspicious, and so far is keeping his word to me.
Now for those of you who advised me not to have sex with my H. Not gonna take that advice. Remember I do still love my H. I have been able to verify to my satisfaction that he hasn't been involved physically with anyone else (otherwise I wouldn't go there)....and well, like I said...I love him, I'm attracted to him....I want him.
With that said....for the 1st time in the GEL household we've ML twice over the weekend. One time I know I rocked his world because I pulled out all the GEL stops and stopped hiding that side that he would always tell me (or insinuate) pressured him. Well guess what guys!! That side I pulled out...is exactly the type of thing he'd been looking at on the internet. I'm not going to go into detail, don't want to fluster the HD guys on here
Saturday afternoon we went to an adult toy store where we purchased a few items and laughed at many of the things we saw. My H was also really surprised how many couples were in there...the store was really quite busy. So we looked at some stuff, talked about whether or not we wanted to try some things....and made a few purchases.
Well lets just say that did get my brain going for that evening and I decided that if what he was looking at on the internet was what really turned him on....then it was time to show him exactly what he'd been ignoring and turning down for so freakin long. He was speechless when I was finished with him (BTW, lingerie definitely works with him). I even earned a nickname from him the following morning....just hearing him say it was like "whoa! I never thought I'd hear you say something like that to me!" I just gave him an evil little look and grinned back at him.
Last night I guess it was my turn because he attacked me....for once. I don't mean timidly initiated...I mean no holds barred went for it.
Will this keep up? Oh God I hope so, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high.
There's still a lot of pain for us to work though, a lot of trust for him to build back....and a lot of issues now for both of us to deal with.
I can honestly say though....I was beginning to think we'd NEVER have a weekend like we just did. I'm still on an emotional roller coaster, but one step at a time right?
