Well guys, I'm back to post another update for you.
This has been a really tough week for me since I found out what I did a week ago friday, but I'm surviving and things are doing better. There are days I'm so hurt and so angry at him I can barely look at him, then there are days I just want to hold him close and never let go...sometimes I have those feelings at the same time....but I have them, I express them....and I get them out in the open.
My H has tried to get in to see our therapist, but can't get in til this Wed (I've verified this). We've done quite a bit of talking off and on during the time too....he knows how much damage he's done.....now hopefully he'll do lots of talking with her too and deal with whatever demons he has so we can finally put this behind us.
I've continued to monitor all of his activities, so I can find out just how deep this whole issue went with him on adultfriendfinder. I've monitored credit cards, gotten statements from months back, still monitoring his cell phone (which he is completely unaware of)...checked his phone for anything suspicious as well (phonebook etc)...and am continuing to monitor his computer activity.
I'm happy to report....I've found NOTHING further. No suspicious phone calls I couldn't verify, no suspicious activity (other than paying for adultfriendfinder) on his credit cards, no suspicious people in his cell phone contacts. Does this mean I'm completely comfortable yet...oh heck no! He's a long way from me trusting him again, but each day I don't find anything I thank God and keep trudging on.
I have my really down moments, but right now those are getting fewer fortunately and I'm finding it easier to make it through my day without going completely insane....especially since I'm able to verify daily that he's not done anything suspicious, and so far is keeping his word to me.
Now for those of you who advised me not to have sex with my H. Not gonna take that advice. Remember I do still love my H. I have been able to verify to my satisfaction that he hasn't been involved physically with anyone else (otherwise I wouldn't go there)....and well, like I said...I love him, I'm attracted to him....I want him.
With that said....for the 1st time in the GEL household we've ML twice over the weekend. One time I know I rocked his world because I pulled out all the GEL stops and stopped hiding that side that he would always tell me (or insinuate) pressured him. Well guess what guys!! That side I pulled out...is exactly the type of thing he'd been looking at on the internet. I'm not going to go into detail, don't want to fluster the HD guys on here
Saturday afternoon we went to an adult toy store where we purchased a few items and laughed at many of the things we saw. My H was also really surprised how many couples were in there...the store was really quite busy. So we looked at some stuff, talked about whether or not we wanted to try some things....and made a few purchases.
Well lets just say that did get my brain going for that evening and I decided that if what he was looking at on the internet was what really turned him on....then it was time to show him exactly what he'd been ignoring and turning down for so freakin long. He was speechless when I was finished with him (BTW, lingerie definitely works with him). I even earned a nickname from him the following morning....just hearing him say it was like "whoa! I never thought I'd hear you say something like that to me!" I just gave him an evil little look and grinned back at him.
Last night I guess it was my turn because he attacked me....for once. I don't mean timidly initiated...I mean no holds barred went for it.
Will this keep up? Oh God I hope so, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high.
There's still a lot of pain for us to work though, a lot of trust for him to build back....and a lot of issues now for both of us to deal with.
I can honestly say though....I was beginning to think we'd NEVER have a weekend like we just did. I'm still on an emotional roller coaster, but one step at a time right?
Wow - I am really glad to hear it. I don't think you should avoid sex with your H. I think you should do it if and when it is right for you. I don't think you should compromise your own integrity doing it - sounds like you didn't. Good for you. Mr. Gel is a lunkhead but you love him and it is for you and no one else to decide how to approach the issue.
I would love to know what my H really wants - he has never really said. I do suspect that he has a kinky side (when I say kinky I mean just regular kink nothing obscure). Boy, wouldn't I love the explore that.
The thing I think is somewhat funny (not in a hilarious way) is that what my H was hiding from me....IMPO isn't kink, it's nothing wierd....all it is, is an affinity for raw sex. In that I mean what he likes, not how he necessarily is.
I'll admit since I've gained weight I'm not comfortable wearing sexy lingerie, but I donned it Saturday night and had an instant reaction....of course that along with the fact that I simply threw all my inhibitions out the window along with the all the "rules" (you know the stuff he would imply was "pressure").
Saturday evening everything was done on MY terms. I guess I had everything but the whip and collar LOL. No, no bondage guys...but everything that happened that night I dictated. You know...there's a porn star that lives within me too...along with the 3-headed hydra, and the shy girl....and that's what he's having to learn.
Last night is I believe maybe the 2nd time since I've known him (if I remember correctly) that he was the one who became aroused before I did...I didn't have to do anything, which is a huge change.
I don't want to give anyone the impression that I'm thinking this is going to become the status quo. There are too many factors going on in our R right now for me to believe that. Right now though I've said to HE!! with hiding that side of me for his "protection"....that coupled with the fact that he was so blatantly busted doing what he had been...who knows, it might have made a difference in our R.
Hi GEL, I am back and checking in on you... I know you will be going through an emotional rollercoaster for awhile...anxiety, sadness, anger...and wish I could fast forward time for you. You amaze me with your ability to "jump back on ship" after this breach of trust...really shows how much you want to work this out with H, and I am hoping he is on board with you. With you he has a chance to work through his intimacy issues and grow as a person...just hoping he can do it. It does sound like you both have broken down some walls to have a weekend of passionate sex, and hopefully that in turn will provide the impetus for him to work on his communication and character issues. I think you have to take things a day at a time... of course I am wishing for a happy ending here...personally, I think you are going to move forward regardless of the outcome...you take with you integrity, patience and love.
That was a beautiful post, thank you so much...I really needed that right now.
It isn't easy right now, but I do know that eventually these feelings will pass as I continue to verify things...which is what I have to do right now, for my peace of mind.
Going off of some of the things he said to me (sexual nicknames etc) and his sexual behavior Sat & Sun evenings....I'm more and more convinced that the man has put me on a pedestal (and no, not just high enough to see up my skirt). It's as if he has come to believe, through...whatever, that you marry one type of woman to have a family with (this woman...you respect her, you admire her, you love her, you cherish her...but you don't defile her.)....the other woman, the slut, is the one you do all of those animalistic depraved things with. I guess this is what they have coined "whore/madonna" syndrome.
I believe there is definitely something to this with him, when I've asked him about it....he gets quiet. That's a sure sign, with him I've hit on something. He doesn't seem to be able to reconcile that a woman can be both whore/madonna. Well, unless you are of course the singer Madonna....well, do I really need to finish that thought?
Anyway...during our entire R there has always been some reason why I didn't release that "whorish" side of me. It's always been there, I've told him it's there and I've always been sexual....but I never felt safe letting it out full force. Partly because he always told me he didn't like porn n'stuff like that...so I thought that if I did that that'd be waaaaay too much for him, too much pressure. He always played naieve with me. Well, now I know he's not so naieve.....and I have nothing to loose by letting that side completely out now. He can deal with it or not.
I honestly believe I stunned him Saturday night. Last night after we finished ML....I looked at him, felt his forehead, and put my ear to his heart....then looked at him and said "OMG! You've had an orgasm 2-nights in a row....and you're still alive!!!" He just burst out laughing.
I know this week will be easier for me too...he's on the same work shift as I am for the next few weeks. When he goes back on nights it's going to get really difficult for me again. Right now, I get a little breathing room for some time....which I desperately need.
So glad to hear things are improving. Maybe this is all there was to your sitch… I can see why he may have acted as he did, and I can also see how your actions this weekend was a huge relief to him, causing his behavior to do a 180. I think everyone harbors some type of intimate sexual fantasy. Some realize it is only a fantasy and let it go at that. Others may get more caught up in it and really want to have some of those dreams. But the Catch 22 is whether to express those desires or not.
If a man says to the W he would like her to engage in sexual acts or activity off the mainstream, and he has never seen any signs in W that she shares these same fantasies (as least within his ability to read those signs), he may be VERY scared to express those desires. What if W is totally offended by those ideas, or thinks he is a sex pervert and could have other issues/problems? If the relationship is not that strong and he feels that he gets blamed enough for what he does, then why set himself as a target for a new type of attack? (I am not saying you would do this, just trying to think through what he may be thinking.)
This ties into my other thread, to an extent, in that he seems to be too worried about what you might think, holds himself back, pulls back into his cave and fantasizes about what he wants and gets resentful for not having it…. A nasty cycle. And this may not have anything to do with you, just his perception of how he thinks you see him (meaning his filters are set a little too narrow).
But that is the Catch 22 right? Men may tell a close male friend some of their deepest sexual fantasies, in a joking, off handed sort of way, maybe while ogling a sexy woman walking down the street, but in a way to sound like they are not serious. That fact that they even made such a statement means there is real desire somewhere in there (many a truth is said in jest). The other male knows this, but also knows not to talk about it since it would put the man on the spot and force him to backtrack. Now making such a statement to a woman, even a joking one, runs great risk. So it should not be a surprise that men are reluctant to express such desires to their wives as well.
Again, I am not saying any of this is happening in your sitch, but it could be, because of his complete reversal in attacking you, after you let him know and actually showed him that his fantasies were acceptable! You busted down the walls, went right through his inhibitions and joined him in! I WISH MY W WOULD DO THAT!!! My wife seems to be fairly open sexually about toys (since she really NEEDS them), but would I risk proposing anything too avant garde, too wild or off-beat? No, I don’t think so, at least not now. So I will just fantasize too, but try to not build resentment.
I think there is something to what you say (yes, I'm actually agreeing with you ).
I'm certainly not excusing his behavior in the past, he knew what he was doing would crush me if/when I found out. He knew I was begging for attention from him....and made a concious choice to meet his needs in a different manner. Why? Because I believe as you said...he thought what he wanted would disgust/repel me. I also think in his mind his perception of the "good wife/mother" simply doesn't behave like the women he viewed on the internet. They just don't do those things. Would that keep him from wanting that? No
He has A LOT of work to do when it comes to intimacy and letting me close to him. The next few weeks/months are going to be interesting. Like you said though, maybe....just maybe if nothing else a few bricks have been knocked down from his wall. That's sad though, I may have busted down some of his wall, but he's built a pretty good one in me. It's going to take a long time for me to feel secure in this R again.
Ya know Gel, darn that Schnarch - he knows what he is talking about. This reminds me of that whole thing about "wall socket sex" and "f*cking" - that many people have trouble being truly "seen" during sex especially by the one peson who they really love. It isn't a lack of love for the partner but rather the presence of that love that makes it difficult for them to really show themselves sexually.
I was actually joking about the kink. I doubt my H has any truly kinky desires (at least ones he would actually want to try ) but that raw sexuality is something that I have no doubt he is both interested in and hides from. I see enough hints of it to know that he likes it but yet he will sidestep efforts that I make to introduce that element to our sl. It happens once in a while by sheer accident. I am still emotionally smarting from the time I gave him a container of hot fudge all wrapped up with a bow (on our anniversary) and told him that there was whipped cream in the fridge and he professed to be "tired" that night and the fudge is still in his dresser drawer, the whipped cream was long since used on ice cream. At the time I thought this was a low stress way to introduce novelty that might even lead to some teasing and then to some rawer stuff later. It didn't.
I ain't got much to add to the discussion at this time, other than to say I am amazed and impressed at your resilience. I'll bet most women when faced with your situation would have at least kicked the H out of the house for awhile. And of the ones who didn't, most would have been distant physically from their spouse for a period of time. But you have had the presence of mind not to shirk from your goal, and used this awful situation as an opportunity to actually draw closer to your H in many ways. Amazing.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
