I went and looked up Peace Between the Sheets on Amazaon. It seems to be quite controversial... either people loved the book or hated it... so I ordered it, just out of sheer curiosity. This woman must be hitting a real nerve... gotta love that...
RE HP How would the HDH's feel if they discovered their "I hate sex" wives were having a jolly good time by themselves and their anti-sex rhetoric only applied to sex with THEM
In my case, I believed LDW did not like sex that much and took the word of BB when she said she did not feel like MBing. If I would have dicsovered she had a hi-old-time MBing, that would have hurt. It would have felt like I was not a skilled lover and I also would have felt something was not exactly right with her.
I can see how some women don't want the groping, slobbering, weight of another male person in their space. I think there are some women that want a dainty acting man. I guess I see how some lesbians feel about some men, too fast, too rough, (normal things to most women (Karen1 posted she wanted to be treated like a piece of meat and other women said their H was too timid)) but maybe what I think is all wrong.
After reading the threads for a while, I saw several posts from women that said they did not like sex with their H but did like it with the OM. That was a shift in the way I thought about LDW's.
Yes, I can see it. Some guys feel the same way (LD for the W but HD for someone else w/o baggage). HP do you want to explore this idea along the lines of why some guys seem to be LD?
their anti-sex rhetoric only applied to sex with THEM,( the H.) Well, that was where I was at in my mind. Did BB like sex, but not with me. I don't know but I suspect she does not like sex much. I had to explore that opition in my mind. I even hinted to this line of thinking with BB.
The next question you should put on your list is "does she like the attention w/o the sex"? I know that is a big yes when it comes to BB. (sorry for personalizing it but I can only speek from my limited experiences.)
Back to the their anti-sex rhetoric only applied to sex with THEM (the H) This is where I feel rejected, slightly angry, also where I want to look at what I am doing wrong, what have I failed doing correctly, feel I have not had the right clues as to what she wanted, (I get a lot of "I don't knows")do we have unsolvable problems IE two different people, what needs to change, what will work, or is it time forget about improving the sexual satisfaction quotent (in my case few solutions due to advanced aging/medical limitations), or to move on.
Just like other situations and what causes or solves desire differences, no easy solutions.
They've just cut the wives completely out of it. HP, that is a bummer way to feel. I can see how this really makes you feel like things are out of wack in the M/F role of your R.
The bigest thing I see wrong with your statement is completely cut out is an over statement. I can see how you feel that way. In FF's case this was true. In your case and GEL's you were not "cut out" completely IRL, but the quality and frequency was way short of what you wanted and expected.
Interesting thread. My H is an enigma. I think most of his LD is not biological. Surely much more related to learned behaviors, his fears, inhibitions, experiences, our R/M, etc. And why am I HD? Same issues I just stated. A combination of all the factors together. So it really is quite an individualistic phenomenon. Can you make the common denominator be male vs female. Not really. I certainly believe we have differences but there is a large spectrum of sexual behavior for both sexes. Women mb just like men do. Women view porn. Women have one-night stands. Do women crave an emotional connection more than men? I doubt it. But we are socialized very differently. It's ok for the man to sleep around and less ok for the woman. Stud vs slut. Someone else made the great point about LD being accepted more by society for women than for men. Very true. Lots of women repress their sexuality to be the "good girl". They have a very hard time opening up to their sexuality, even within M. So I do not think the biology of women is the main cause for women's LD. I think it is more environmental. What is her background? Her experiences? Sexually or otherwise. How does she view sex in general? What is her attitude toward sex and its importance in a M? I think those are critical factors. So all of that can be applied to a man as well. If my H's attitude towards sex is greatly different than mine (which it often is) than we are bound to have problems. Our biology is our basic foundation but I think it's our environment/attitudes that determine whether or not we use what nature/God has given us. I believe biological causes for LD for either sex is fairly rare. Nature/God doesn't mess up that often
I think that our environment influences our sexual behavior greatly but I still maintain that T is too strong of a chemical--and in too great a quantity--to successfully suppress. These men are acting out their biological urges, just not with their women.
I still don't think that I'm getting my question across clearly. It sure would help if all you nice people would drive to my neck of the woods and I'll make some munchies and coffee and we could discuss like normal people. This post-respond-post stuff gets old!
yes yes now we're getting somewhere. I believe that an LD woman can successfully suppress her D because she is driven by so many factors and not primarily T.
A man, otoh, is so strongly driven by T that: Can he really suppress this?
I say no.
I say he just finds other ways to deal with it.
I think my H, in our starvation days, got really frickin mean and had a lot of wet dreams. And occasionally mbated. I'm basing this on his current behavior, looking back. I don't ever think he was LD except in the behavioral sense.
The environment...well, it explains some of it...but still you've got guys like Chrome who grew up in a repressive home, in the South where those things just aren't talked about, with low self esteem, I mean he's the poster boy for potential LDH and here he is, horny as can be. Not even twins and a newborn can rein him in, LOL.
So what gives?
Why do some people rise above their environments and others don't?
I don't know but this has to be the most ridiculous thread ever.
Why do some people rise above their environments and others don't?
Great question! But no clear answers. There have been studies of children raised in very abusive houesholds. Let's say 2 children, same environment, same family, etc.But one grows up to be very high functioning and the other very low functioning (get's intro drugs, can't hold a job) that sort of thing. Why? Then, you really start get into psychology of the individual and not sociological effects. Why is it people like Chrome can still thrive in his job, in his sexual drive, etc? My scientific analysis is that he's just the bee's knees. But seriously, some people have a stronger resilience factor than others. Intelligence can also play a role. There is a term in psychology called hypohedonia, inability to experience pleasure. This may play a role in sex drives as well. (That part is my own theory). Ok, enough for now. Not a ridiculous thread at all by the way.
I thought of several witty (IMHO LOL) responses to those remarks about my incredible sexual resiliency LOL, but the truth is I am perplexed by it as well. I guess I have "preacher's daughter" syndrome, I responded to repression during adolescence by going wild once I got out from under the thumb. The repression has had a number of serious effects on me, including extreme sexual immaturity, a rather unusual sexual fantasy (there I go alluding to that again), and low self-esteem. I'm positive these all contributed to my current R difficulties, so while yes, here I am horny as can be, the net result is the same. I am in a sex-starved marriage. Can't escape fate, eh? Well I'm going to try.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Some guys do have sex just for the physical pleasure. I am one of those that has sex for BOTH the physical pleasure and the EC. It is my PRIMARY way of EC. The problem is that I know my wife does NOT EC with sex, and I wonder if many ND women can EC with sex. My guess is that most do not. I know that when I have sex with my wife, her actions and words make me believe that she is completely focused on our orgasams,she is focused on the physical, when the REAL point of sex is the eyes wide open type of sex, it is about the meeting of MINDS. Sex is the ULTIMATE form of vulnerability when done CORRECTLY. I have to say that my wife and I have sex, but we never make love. She does not even grasp the concept.
