Well, went to work out this morning and H called when I got back. He sounded sleepy, just woke up. I was really happy for him. He's been working hard lately, and needed the break...he's been sleeping tons, eating well (and on time) and working out, going to the hotel sauna. I was happy to hear that...he sounded relaxed and well.
We had a nice conversation, about news on his end and mine. For the first time in a while, he really asked me about stuff in my life (trip, work, etc). We talked for 45 min, which is a miracle...finally, we both had to go. For some reason, it was a little awkward on the phone, might have just been me. Felt like I was talking to a boy that I liked a lot, and ran out of things to say. I guess that's a good thing--the feeling of novelty and nervousness. Also, I have barely spoken to him this week, so a little out of touch. He actually sounded excited about my trip, which is nice. We're both trying to be excited about each other.
Kinda weird. He told me about a friend he saw this week, and how he is now separated. Really shocking. Turns out it's for a lot of the same reasons we have. She got fed up with him being so miserable when home, and kicked him out. He said she had a lot of issues too, demanding, lazy, etc....they hadn't hugged in 2 years. H actually said "her complaints were, hate to say, similar to yours about me..." I didn't say anything, let it go. Of course, his friends complaints about W were like my H about me.
I guess it threw me b/c here was a couple with strong spiritual background and similar issues and kids, and they SPLIT. It was like a kick in the gut...so what hope do we have? H just mentioned it, and stopped talking about it...and we went back to normal conversation. I think I might have projected aloofness...but he was just waking up and tired. Does he think it's just a matter of time for us too? Seems this other couple never really tried to work things out....the W certainly made things worst too with certain actions...
Then, ya know what? I calmed down so quickly. I like who I am now. I like who I was on the phone with H and who I am with/without him. I like the person I was and am now growing into more....I am not those horrible things as a W anymore. That's all I can do. I'm sorry for my part in the past, but that was then, this is now. If it was too much for H, and the love can't come back, then so be it. All I can do is be the best me. If this ends, it will be sad, very painful, but then again, closing a chapter in your life will be, no matter what.
I'm probably being negative for no reason. We had some good stuff happen bfore H left, and hope to have 1 good day with hm before I leave. Funny, we're doing an induced separation now...for 2 months, we'll be together for a little over 2 weeks...other than that, we have trips of our own. Nice space....I already feel the effects. Seeing him again will be nice, like seeing him when we dated. Hope it's the same for him.
I told him that I was happy he was relaxed and got to get away from home/life. I also told him that I was happy that when he returned, I would be gone for 2+ weeks...I was glad that he would have the space in his own home...to come home, not have someone waiting, to have space and time...I told him that he's needed that for some time and glad he's getting it. He said "yeah" and didn't say anything else. I didn't push. I did want to just get it out there though...that I cared about him, even if it meant taking me out of the picture.
