Hmmm, feeling kind of blue tonight. Had a few meltdowns. Saw the bank account and H is just on a binge to help anyone who comes to him for $ (which is common where we work). I don't mind that, but never tells me and lies about things. BUT, he's not careful about doing it...kind of like he doesn't care that I find out, but don't ask, cause you'll get a bold, bad lie. I'm so sick of it...not even snooping, just looking through bank acocunt and phone bill (which is NORMAL), I feel that I'm always afraid of finding something...and I do. Like doing normal things is like finding a bomb. I feel really disrespected.
So, I'm seriously thinking that when I return from the trip, I'm going to open a bank account of my own, and kindly tell H that he can do whatever he wants with his $, not going to control/judge, but I would like my hard earned $ to be in a place where I don't have to keep my mouth shut about lies. Maybe I'll just do it and won't tell him...seems to be the language he understands, eh?
He hasn't called me last night or tonight yet, but this was supposed to be "space" for us while he's away. Frankly it's nice, but I know he's been on the phone with other FF's from work (nothing romantic, but still).
Just feeling like this is too much. Found myself praying that God would just end this...that he would come home and leave me...would be easier. Tonight, just feeling like I don't know how much more of this I can take...the acting as if, and sudden pangs of realizing how crappy things turned out and HOW? Well, I know my part in it, but this whole lies, secrecy thing is too much for me to handle now.
Usually, I try to stay strong, but tonight, feeling really low.
Kind of feeling like all of this will just stay this way. Don't see the light right now.
