Hi Slowly, thanks for your post and always though-provoking questions. How else have I changed? Lots of ways...and I'm not all that bent on having to show H, just doing it for me, and knowing that it comes through...he's not apathetic nor dumb. Plus, I don't want to get hung up on doing things for him when I'm trying to detach. So, here's the list:

1) Exercising--BIG for me...makes me feel great and already seeing difference in body. H commented on this...made mention that I am more beautiful now than when we first met. Mostly , he's glad that I exercise for my health, not body changes (he uses that to encourage me, b/c, after all, I'm a woman and vanity appeals first!). He's been really supportive...ordered tons of clothes for it, etc. I do it for ME...he's not here this week, and I still go.

2) Reading more--I LOVE to read, and getting back into making time for this.

3) Treat my body better....dress nicer, drink a little less, careful with foods, etc. He made mention of this too. I do it b/c right now, anything I can do to boost ME, is good!

4) More focused on work--I LOVE what I do..not just a paycheck...it ties closely with my (and H's) values, etc...so I am getting into work and deriving pleasure, self-esteem, confidence and accomplishment. I feel more motivated at work--comes through in what I do. I try to share this with H, but lately, in this phase of detachment, I don't feel like sharing like a best friend...oddly, he's come around and shares everything...

5) Back in touch with family and friends more. I let a lot of that go with this whole mess, and slowly getting in touch with people. It still feels like a lie to put on a front, but they are special in my life and I miss them. I told H this recently.

6) Going out with friends more....or just hanging out. With people I care about and respect. Having lots of laughs. This isn't unusual for me in general, but lately with the mess, I've been less inclined to do so. In fact, one of H's comments was that I loved being with friends more than him. Not true, btu I won't stop being happy with friends.

7) I have always been (through necessity b/c of his schedule) and remain independent in my plans. I've planned things, and tell him what I'm doing (don't want to get into the secrecy he has) and let him know that he's welcome if he wishes. If he joins or not, I have a good time and enjoy sharing with him. I was always like t his, but would also get sad/frustrated that we didn't share experiences as a "couple" anymore...well, since I've put that fantasy away, it's easier.

8) Take time to really enjoy people, life, nature. Sounds silly, but I try to listen, connect, enjoy and really be free-spirited and live. I try to learn lessons from people I admire each day, share a laugh, enjoy a pretty day, say a little prayer at dawn that means so much to me "Today I will Live Well." I share this with H. It calms and centers me.

9) I take care of the house more, cleaning, bills, admin, etc. I do it happily b/c I want to....it makes life run smoother, and I know it matters to H. Also, I have more time for it now.

So, there we are. Slowly, this builds into more things I want to do, ways I want to be. In essence, I feel I'm detaching and finding myself again. Not to say that I don't think about H, still feel pain over his "secret" life or want this all to end. At least I can take pride in knowing that all that nonsense is NOT what I'll engage in...my life will NOT be a Jerry Springer show....I'd rather walk away and detach and be ME.

Small updates:
* H very affectionate this weekend and throgh week again. Lots of times he tested me.
* H initiated R talk (miracle). Small, I didn't push, basically he told me he saw the changes in me, saw me be patient to him, which is all he wanted. He said that he was weirded out by the new me, but saw it as sincere and different person. I told him that I snapped during our last blow, and wanted to be the person I was meant to be...no expectations, nothing. I told him I understood, when we got back together years ago, he did a MAJOR 180 in personality and it took me some time to trust it. He said he feared me snapping and not wanting to be with him or nice to him. At one point he was peeved to think that I thought I didn't make him happy---GEE...it's only that you SAID THAT TO ME weeks ago. No emotional outpouring...I was cool.

* Before H left, sudden comments about how his recent home improvement efforts were for me...it's what he always wanted to do for me. I said TY....didn't mention that it's hard for me to get attached to home projects when I feel I may leave at any time.

* He called (big) to tell me about a something that happened during his conference....

* Lately, in calls, I let him go, and he's not eager to let go. He mentioned that coming home was somewhat pleasant now, and I make him stronger lately.

* Friends invited us to an event, I said I couldn;t go, and he was sad, mopey, and asked why. I told him I had plans and he said he didn't want to go if I didn't. Well, if ya wanna be single, buddy, you better get used to it. :-)

Lots of other little things....I'm not putting too much into it all. Lately he seems introspective, sudden reaching out for affection, and comments. Not all the time though. Maybe he's processing.

For now, just continuing the same path. Some days are harder than most. But, I let myself crack here and there, alone, to release and move on with life. I still think about it a lot, but trying to do less.