W2S--I always love it when you visit my thread. It's so nice to hear from folks...any reinforcement is nice. I'm not so sure I'm as together as you think, or even I think at times. I'm working on not having this issue always be at the back of my mind, kind of like a troll on your back. That's the next part of detaching that I'm working on...I think I may have come to that today.
I haven't read either books. You know, during this detaching stage, I had the urge to put all that stuff down...I just want to be, not try. That's a bad attitude. I'll probably look through those books soon, though. Yes, for now, I'm working on instinct, insight and thoughts. I used to write and write and write things down, now I just journal here. When I found H wasn't ready, pining after someone else more than me, something snapped and I let go. All I can do is be the best me--make peace with myself. I just came out of a meeting where we were talking about that concept: Making peace with yourself is the first step to attaining beauty in your life. That's a lofty concept that I think I will focus on for now.
I'll plan to read the books, but in the meantime, can you please give me your top-o-mind thoughts on concepts I have happening, what I'm doing right and what I'm avoiding? I think I'm doing some common sense things. But I would LOVE to hear your opinion.
As far as the next stage of detaching...today, it hit me during a drive. I thought about H's email to coworker...and knowing him as well as I do, it felt like though he brought it to a "friend" level, it was still something he very much wanted in his life, something that was important to him, that he longed for. Something he spent time away from me and home to be with. During our phases when we were not together, he had always gotten in touch with me, wanted me to be in his life, whether he was dating someone or not. He wanted me in his life, even just as a friend...something he could not let go. Now, to my sadness, it's another woman who is that in his life. Though he says that M is something he was only meant to have with me, and if we split he would not have it with anyone else. When I asked if he was in love, he said he loved her as a friend, was crazy about her, but didn't love her the way he did me at one time, didn't give her what he gave me, not the depth. That's nice, but the tables turn.
Funny thing is, I didn't feel down about it all. I felt good. I like me, and that's not the love I want....I won't be the W that you HAVE TO come home to, but thinking of someone else. I know I was meant for better. It's funny how you can detach completely when you know something was not meant to be yours. The other day, I thought his nervousness was him wanting US, and ME. No, it was him afraid of losing something he thought he might like, was used to, and reacting to my possible anger....not because he wanted me.
For now, I feel so detached. I really have no urge to see H, to want to be with him. I even had thoughts of moving out when I returned from the trip. I have the urge to stay at work late and not home...kind of like he does, I guess.
