First, a hearty THANK YOU to all the pals who posted, read, or sent thoughts yesterday during my mini-meltdown and after-effects of even this morning.
In processing...I realized that I was hurt, it seeped out. I may have also felt like all the good things from the weekend might have been H "starting to open his heart to fall in love." Even last night, I saw that he was trying, to realize something as inappropriate and "stop" it, but mostly, to care about my reaction and try to stop that. Before, he wouldn't have cared...avoided me and expected the worst and just said "to hell with it all."
I'm OK now. This is life. We make mistakes. We fall off the track in our "fogs." Though it was hard to turn my heart on to H, I also saw him so many times as a man who is vulnerable, who was hurt, who I loved and cared for. I didn't want him to hurt anymore. I can accept his mistakes, as he is trying to accept mine. This is the hardest thing I've done in my life, and it's not so bad. I see him trying now, little acts of kindness and love, and I would hate to lose that in my life just because I couldn't reach down deep to return a gift.
This morning I stopped thinking of my emotions and looked at the morning...I've been so used to NOT thinking of baby steps. Well, he had made me go to the gym and I felt great; he put out my sneakers for it to motivate me; he brought in my coat and made me wear it. He was excited about my gifts (clothes). I can't be blind to these things. After all, this is what the tapestry of our daily M is made of...small acts of kindness despite all odds.
So, I had to get a check from H just now for an errand. I went down to his office and he was SUPER busy...had several people waiting for him. He still agreed to see me. I smiled big, he was sheepish and didn't make much contact (could also be that he's busy). Though there were people around, I stepped close, and whispered that "I'm sorry that I made such a big deal out of something so small this morning, it means nothing to me." He said "I know, no big deal, me neither." and brushed it off. I also said, "Thank you for the little things you did to take care of me this morning." He smiled and said "you're welcome."
Also, great advice about the gifts as LL. I tried to make up for it...I wore pants from the package today and made sure he noticed. I really added jewelry that he had also bought for me from previous years, and made an effort to look nice and excited about it. He lit up and beamed, he really looked at the pants and said I looked great. I think that made him happy.
So, plugging along in having a strong day. A new lesson in this phase of letting go (detaching). The "loving" part means stopping every once in a while to look at the little things: that the other person is trying their best, doing little things that mean a lot, reaching out. I'll try to remember that.
