You're too wonderful...I'll email and find ya on the new forum.
You're right...I'm back up. Shed those feelings of panick that the house of cards came tumbling down; they still might, but I can't help that now.
I have to see H about something today, will make the interaction very nice--I think I might just say 1 thing "sorry about making too much of our silly tiff this morning...it was nothing." and LEAVING it at that. Not asking what he thinks, nothing. He will be watching to see if I make a big deal, but I won't. He'll also be watching to see if I stay mad or am loving...that means a lot to him, I'm realizing.
I suspect, in all of our cases, things are so cyclical that we don't know what started what. I was edgy b/c of what I found. He was edgy b/c he was trying this morning and I "rejected" him with the gift thing (HUGE for him). I got edgy again....and on and on and on. So, it has to stop....things were really starting to go in the right direction for us...I want it to stay that course, it was nice. So, I'll break the cycle--goodness knows H did that TOO many times in our M.
I have to remember what I pondered this weekend...we're both coming out of bad behavior fogs. Mine during M, H during this post-explosion time. Things are slowly pushing toward the right direction, I feel--not banking on it though. The question is, can you love that person again, can you live with actions in the fog? I think I can.
Have you read 5LL book? Your husband sounds like he expresses love by giving gifts. Your rejection of his gift probably did hurt him more than you know. Try to find a way to patch that up. May require an R talk and why you felt hurt (and thus hurt him).
And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Better Days... Goo Goo Dolls
First, a hearty THANK YOU to all the pals who posted, read, or sent thoughts yesterday during my mini-meltdown and after-effects of even this morning.
In processing...I realized that I was hurt, it seeped out. I may have also felt like all the good things from the weekend might have been H "starting to open his heart to fall in love." Even last night, I saw that he was trying, to realize something as inappropriate and "stop" it, but mostly, to care about my reaction and try to stop that. Before, he wouldn't have cared...avoided me and expected the worst and just said "to hell with it all."
I'm OK now. This is life. We make mistakes. We fall off the track in our "fogs." Though it was hard to turn my heart on to H, I also saw him so many times as a man who is vulnerable, who was hurt, who I loved and cared for. I didn't want him to hurt anymore. I can accept his mistakes, as he is trying to accept mine. This is the hardest thing I've done in my life, and it's not so bad. I see him trying now, little acts of kindness and love, and I would hate to lose that in my life just because I couldn't reach down deep to return a gift.
This morning I stopped thinking of my emotions and looked at the morning...I've been so used to NOT thinking of baby steps. Well, he had made me go to the gym and I felt great; he put out my sneakers for it to motivate me; he brought in my coat and made me wear it. He was excited about my gifts (clothes). I can't be blind to these things. After all, this is what the tapestry of our daily M is made of...small acts of kindness despite all odds.
So, I had to get a check from H just now for an errand. I went down to his office and he was SUPER busy...had several people waiting for him. He still agreed to see me. I smiled big, he was sheepish and didn't make much contact (could also be that he's busy). Though there were people around, I stepped close, and whispered that "I'm sorry that I made such a big deal out of something so small this morning, it means nothing to me." He said "I know, no big deal, me neither." and brushed it off. I also said, "Thank you for the little things you did to take care of me this morning." He smiled and said "you're welcome."
Also, great advice about the gifts as LL. I tried to make up for it...I wore pants from the package today and made sure he noticed. I really added jewelry that he had also bought for me from previous years, and made an effort to look nice and excited about it. He lit up and beamed, he really looked at the pants and said I looked great. I think that made him happy.
So, plugging along in having a strong day. A new lesson in this phase of letting go (detaching). The "loving" part means stopping every once in a while to look at the little things: that the other person is trying their best, doing little things that mean a lot, reaching out. I'll try to remember that.
Oh thank God! I am not the only one my H has bought me an entire new wardrobe. New couch and rug for front room and now that summer is coming we are starting into a whole new season of clothes he can buy me. I still need to get 5 love languages but that has also been recommended to me.
Good luck in your day today I am staying positive. Oh by the way I am in newcomers or just click on my name and check out my posts and you will find my confusing story.
Journaling again: Had a pretty emotional day yesterday. Which is good...I see it as my heart and brain venting, so I can let it go and get centered again and not let it creep out in inappropriate ways.
I cleaned the house for Hs guest...called him to let him know b/c I was going back to work. He offered to let me use his computer when I got there. We had a nice time, he wasn't as enthused or nervous as yesterday. He did mention something about the bank account, so I think he was nervous about me knowing of the transactions. I didn't even react, just talked about something else (big 180 for me). We chatted, had dinner together, he showed me stuff again, but went about his evening. I let him go to do work--being respectful of his time is a BIG thing for him...and a 180 for me.
That evening, I told him I was proud of him, and happy. He was affectionate, sweet--less so than before...I could tell the tiff had some effect, his defenses are up a little but that's to be expected. He said he hoped he made me proud, and said thank you for being so supportive. I could tell he loved to hear that I was proud...he's a hard worker, cares a lot about his work and has passion. I gave him nice compliments and insights on his growth and development Re: the past.
Nothing dramatic. Just nice time. Lots of little things H didn't do, but I didn't care. No TY for cleaning the house. All I cared about was ME...how I acted, and I'm happy to say that it was a success. I felt good about me...enough said.
You seem to be doing great. It is hard to find advice for someone "as together" as you are. I just keep reading and learning so if I get a chance one day, I'll do more right than wrong.
Along with the gifting being a love language, have you read the Mars-Venus book. You seen to have a lot of the concepts happening but I wasn't sure if that was instinct or if you read the book. If you haven't it might help you to understand why some things you are doing really work well. And maybe why the things you are avoiding, should be. Maybe put some perspective on what is working already. Maybe pick up more points.
W2S--I always love it when you visit my thread. It's so nice to hear from folks...any reinforcement is nice. I'm not so sure I'm as together as you think, or even I think at times. I'm working on not having this issue always be at the back of my mind, kind of like a troll on your back. That's the next part of detaching that I'm working on...I think I may have come to that today.
I haven't read either books. You know, during this detaching stage, I had the urge to put all that stuff down...I just want to be, not try. That's a bad attitude. I'll probably look through those books soon, though. Yes, for now, I'm working on instinct, insight and thoughts. I used to write and write and write things down, now I just journal here. When I found H wasn't ready, pining after someone else more than me, something snapped and I let go. All I can do is be the best me--make peace with myself. I just came out of a meeting where we were talking about that concept: Making peace with yourself is the first step to attaining beauty in your life. That's a lofty concept that I think I will focus on for now.
I'll plan to read the books, but in the meantime, can you please give me your top-o-mind thoughts on concepts I have happening, what I'm doing right and what I'm avoiding? I think I'm doing some common sense things. But I would LOVE to hear your opinion.
As far as the next stage of detaching...today, it hit me during a drive. I thought about H's email to coworker...and knowing him as well as I do, it felt like though he brought it to a "friend" level, it was still something he very much wanted in his life, something that was important to him, that he longed for. Something he spent time away from me and home to be with. During our phases when we were not together, he had always gotten in touch with me, wanted me to be in his life, whether he was dating someone or not. He wanted me in his life, even just as a friend...something he could not let go. Now, to my sadness, it's another woman who is that in his life. Though he says that M is something he was only meant to have with me, and if we split he would not have it with anyone else. When I asked if he was in love, he said he loved her as a friend, was crazy about her, but didn't love her the way he did me at one time, didn't give her what he gave me, not the depth. That's nice, but the tables turn.
Funny thing is, I didn't feel down about it all. I felt good. I like me, and that's not the love I want....I won't be the W that you HAVE TO come home to, but thinking of someone else. I know I was meant for better. It's funny how you can detach completely when you know something was not meant to be yours. The other day, I thought his nervousness was him wanting US, and ME. No, it was him afraid of losing something he thought he might like, was used to, and reacting to my possible anger....not because he wanted me.
For now, I feel so detached. I really have no urge to see H, to want to be with him. I even had thoughts of moving out when I returned from the trip. I have the urge to stay at work late and not home...kind of like he does, I guess.
I am going to catch up a bit on your stich, I have fallen behind. but I just wanted to let you know that you are wise, caring and loving lady. You have offered some really amazing advise right from the get go. Take care of yourself, and follow God's lead.
