After your raving compliments, I hate to disappoint, but I must.
Had a tough time turning the heart on last night and this morning. H came home LATE again. I went to bed, didn't clean the house for his guest tonight...I figure, if you're at work talking to "friends" then I'm not your maid...keep in mind he never asked me to do this. I still will tonight..no reason a guest should pay for our differences now.
H came home and was super friendly, playful, sweet. I played tired to counter that I just couldn't be as enthusiastically playful with him. He was affectionate and I returned it. This morning, he was chipper and bummed that I might not join him to work out (looked a little worried). I joined and had a great time with friends when I got there. We had a quiet breakfast, I read, did not talk like I usually do. He was dismayed that I hadn't opened the gift he bought...I just could not bring myself to open it...put it asied to open later. He opened it for me...and said, in a sad and snippy tone "Just act excited about it..." I said it was hard for me to accept such an expensive gift (really, it's hard for me to take your guilt gifts after you routinely give $$ out to your "friends"--I was being pissy..kinda like, I don't need your gifts, and he was a little hurt). I was thankful, not in a fake way. I went about my business and he joined in the shower. I made myeslf be more playful, etc. I tried really hard to remember that his emails indicated that he was trying to cut off anything inappropriate and be friends with this woman...an indication that he's TRYING US. Also, he's been reaching out a LOT, been really great. Also an indication of TRYING.
Then, after showers I tickled him and he was irritated...not the best time. He got pissy. That set me OFF. B/c of the tickle-fests he and this Fcoworker had. I had a tone, and said "oh, so you don't want me to tickle or touch you...OK" and walked out of the room. He said that he was upset b/c I was making him sound like he hated being touched but I was being annoying. I said sorry for coming off like that, I didn't mean it. I said we were both projecting off of other things. Then I got frustrated and vulnerable (UGH) and started asking if he was mad (repeatedly), if he thought that this was the old me coming through again, how I hated that little things turned into a fight. He said it wasn't a fight...then he BOLTED out the door to work...I asked he come back and again, like an idiot, asked if he was mad, said sorry..etc. He said "here we go...you'll keep me for 5 more minites with your questions, etc" I said no, and let him go. He had that panicked look of "here she goes again..."
SO...I feel like I backpedaled. I was so emotional and feel like I've been keeping so much down. I didn't realize, but I was hurt from yesterday, and it seeped through this morning. It was a silly fight, but I have to admit that I'm scared that H will use this to say "see, things are the same, we don't make each other happy, so there..." instead of realizing this is INCREDIBLY stressful, lots unsaid, lots of hurt feelings (including his this morning, nice that he spoke up), and that things won't be perfect.
Well....it wasn't too bad. I mostly said sorry, sincerely. I let him go. Tonight, I won't talk about it again. He has his friend over tonight, and that will distract us. I will go back to being my normal self of the last 3 weeks. Bounce back is all I can do.
The opportunity: detach and loving. Have to bring back the loving part. Realize that he's making LOTS of effort lately and is STILL testing. He knows you know something and were a little upset. This is a GREAT opportunity to let him know, as a test, that you can know something, not push it in his face and still be loving and not be angry. I had my moments of aloofness last night and this morning, but hey, I'm human. It's also a test that we can have a little tiff when things are tense, and I can still bounce back, not drag it out or making it into something it isn't. I can let it go. In a way, I hate that these things happen, but it's all an opportunity to prove 180s and detachment and the person I want to be.
I realize now that our little tiff was us both being vulnerable and testing. I was trying to let myself feel for him again, and tested with the tickling..I admit that. WHen he didn't like it, I ASSumed that he didn't want to be touched by me, like by coworker...he was angry at that. At the same time, he tested me to see that I was angry and how I would react...ASSuming that if I was angry, then I had not really changed and would harbor resentment.
WCW--IMing...I work for the Fed Govt...we're blocked from that...but I do have an email if you like or phone.
