OK--that was an insanely long and stupid rant. Sorry...no wonder I rarely get posts...everyone is so sick of reading my inane rantings. Well, the confident me is back.
I ran into H, talking to another friend (the cute coworker, of all people). For the first time, H came up to me to say hello, in a cute way. I was nice, sweet, but OFF. Totally detached. I smiled, but avoided eye contact. I KNOW he could tell something was up...in fact, I think that's why he called to say Thank you...he is almost psychic with knowing if I know something. I don't want him to think that though...and then go and HIDE more things to keep it from me. I want him to go about his business...not hide things b/c he is afraid of me knowing.
Then, I talked to H, casually, not with the same enthusiasm I had the last days/weeks. Friendly but flat. It's all I could muster. He asked me to come to his office...WHAT?? He HATES me being there, and I have not gone since our blow up and before that, since we exploded...he asked that I not come. I said OK. He was eager to talk, chat, showed me new stuff, pictures, again played music that I loved. Just very excited that I was there...yet, again, all I could muster was flat and nice/happy. Just calm. He could definately tell something was up. At one point, I saw that his hands were SHAKING. He has steady hands...it's what he does for a living...so I commented on this. He gave me a look of shock and panic. I asked if he was OK, hands shaking. He said he had worked out and his hands were shaking...sounded nervous. I asked if that was really it...and he looked me square in teh eye, expecting me to be angry...instead, I patted him on the knee and said, "I mean, maybe you're nervous I'm here, the last time I was in your office was a HORRIBLE night..." He seemed relieved that I wasn't angry....then made a comment that he KNEW I would ask that. I dropped it. He didn't seem in a rush for me to leave, I told him I had to go. He walked me out. I casually said goodbye. His phone rang 2x...I said that I would leave so he could take the call. He got jumpy and emphatically said NO, he has no idea who calls him there, no one has the number and went on for 20 minutes about how no one calls him on the phone and he needs doesn't need to pick it up. I didn't say a word.
He is definately kissing butt, going out of his way to invite me, be excited with me, prove to me that all is OK and all is clean. Hmmmm...SHOULD I WORRY about this behavior? He feels caught in a lie. Before, he wouldn't care and blow up at me for checking on him...maybe he would have if I confronted him. For the first time...he was TRYING. I wasn't. That was nice. Normally, if he perceived me angry, he would not call, would not initiate being with me, he would withdraw more. This was weird.
But, I'm back on track. Getting geared up for the trip and quite excited thinking about that. Thinking abotu getting things ready at work, and making plans to hang with friends. H, well, come what may. I will not engage in this crap--life is too dang short.
