Yes, shame on me. But, still, glad I know--I am ashamed b/c on Willowalks thread, I posted NOT to snoop and here I go...sorry Willow.. Weird, this weekend, I came to odd terms with the possibility of this very thing, and I was OK. I really see his need for a friend now....a very close friend that fills his need to be liked by another female...etc, etc. Admittedly, I have the same needs. There is a male coworker that lights my day when he smiles at me, and got hit on last night and it really made my evening, I was on Cloud 9. Before, it wouldn't have flattered me so much. Now, with rejection so present in my life, I can feel what H goes through.
In his earlier emails, it seemed that he was ignoring her. There was a point where he did not call her for a while, and she had pestered the hell out of him. C said that was an indication that he wasn't in love with her....or else he would pursue. Now it seems to have flipped around....he is pestering her (or just my assumption off of a few emails).
Good thing I journal here...I read back to my posts from last week and how H was. He had several days (little I saw him) that he was moody, sad, really, I thought then, looked guilty, pained. This is the time that he visited her.
I guess she has a baby. No, he doesn't owe her money...he gives $ to ANYONE that asks. The bill...remember the PHONE that he had that was a secret, well, I now think, and suspect, it's a phone that they share??
These emails, there is NO romantic anything, and he can be VERY romantic. He can pour his heart out, and he states he wanted to "hang as friends." In past emails also, he thanked her and said he was blessed to have her as a "friend."
Also, the PA part....I guess it does matter to me. I really am hoping there is no sex. Of course, who wouldn't .BUT, it also hurts to see your H be enamored with another woman. BUT, given that I know what he thought of me then, who wouldn't want someone else. I have felt that way about him as well...not to this extent (lying, etc), but have definately seen other men, when I was disgusted with H, and thought of what it would be like if I never married H and married them instead--married a man with those qualities instead...was charmed by those qualities and would talk of them. What would it be like if I were single, never with him. Harsh thoughts that I even confessed to H.
The PA part....she wrote him an email the week before I discovered all of this, for Valentines. She pursued him in the email (didn't look like he wrote her Happy Valentine's first), and she indicated that she had "tickled" him and she wanted to give him a kiss, but the note would have to do (indicating that she didn't see him that night, but probably talked). I would THINK that if they had sex, she would have written that in there??!! Why leave it out? All of her emails were SO JUNIOR HIGH/Puppy Love. Also, I know H (same situation presented itself years ago when dating)...if he had sex with her, I am so sure that he would have a problem having her be the OW without committment (that happened once...he could not leave the OW for me(technically we were breaking up) b/c he didn't want to USE her nor did he want to mess with me again that way)--in none of his emails did he talk about leaving me, and I was NEVER mentioned in any email...he would feel bad hurting her (sounds corny, but I know him). If nothing else, he really cares for her. I also know that he would have totally rejected me sexually, and he didn't (keep in mind, he was angry at me and mean). Of course, others say that they had GREAT sex during spouses affairs. Who the hell knows.
Funny thing is that if he likes her so much, why not leave me, date her? In emails he doesn't mention leaving me, nothing. Weird, even the day I threatened to walk out, he said he was confused, but understood if I needed to. Why not just say, OK, leave, I'm not confused?
I literally cannot believe all of this. He is SO different than the man I married. This is SO unlike him. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can trust him, ever. Why keep in touch with her still? I am glad that I came here instead of storming to see H. I will not confront him about this. There will be a day, but not now.
Another weird thing. This weekend was REALLY different than others. This morning, he tickled and kissed me all over, HE initiated. He did this a few days ago too. Other little affectionate things he has not done in a LONG time. We talked great. he asked me out to dinner last night. He came home excited to talk about his plans and not eager to run away all weekend. I did something he normally (before) would think was cute and he saw it and kissed me....hasn't done that in MONTHS since everything exploded. Again, litle things that seem to be that he is reaching out in real ways....we ML this weekend and it was DIFFERENT. More like before...when he really looked at ME, touched me, etc. Still not totally 100%, but really felt like this weekend was a breakthrough. WTF??!!! Today, I saw him at work, and he looked happy to see me....smiled big, not his usual freaked out look when he sees me. Yesterday he said "us" in many sentences, never implied breaking up (never has), indicated having children, I tried not to count all these things before....but here they are.
If I read my GUT, here is what it says: he was VERY confused about US. He still is, less so. Through this mess of months, he thought lots about leaving me, about me leaving him, was/is so angry, sad and guilty for his actions, feels so unloved and rejected. He so wanted to believe that I was all bad and could not change, that things would never ne what they were. That he could never be in love with me again. He was pushed away so far. Too many walls to pull down, too much pain and need.
These past few weeks, he's been testing, observing, watching. I haven't cracked. I've let him have space, freedom, even indicated that he was with friends. I have always been happy to be with him. Not overbearing, not jumping into his walls and not finding my own happiness. Not moping, not expecting ANYTHING. A few conversations that we connected on this weekend, too.
Before the blow-up, he was backed off of her, and she initiated and pursued and came on strong. His emails were not affectionate or anything....talkign to a DEAR friend. For some reason he always deleted them, never kept in the InBox, but all of mine were there (believe me, not pumping myself abotu this), the phone was hidden and never home, even on weekends (another thing, he works on weekends for short times, but never left town with her, you would think he would have). For some reason, I think his feelings, R and interaction with her was "subliminal" in his mind. He was sincerely baffled that what they had would have been inappropriate, wrong. It was like he himself was shocked. Like he was hiding it from himself. THAT IS FREAKING SCARY. Like everything was so kiddie, funny, cute, that he didn't think it was a big deal. Like the rush of a good friend asking you to play hooky from work....innocent, right? Just a little harmless fun, right? I mean, it's not like we're running away or anything, right?
I think that he "snapped" when I confronted him. He realized that he was leading this silly double life that was going too far...needed to put the brakes. I think he still wasn't sure of what he was going to do with me. He was still, honestly, confused....our last blow-out was the PERFECT time to quit. He didn't. At the same time, He wasn't going to committ to the M when he didn't know if it would work, or was worth it...so he kept the friendship. I think he DID talk to her about things and maybe pushed back and cooled it off...talked about how they were friends, getting the wrong picture, gave the wrong message. I would hope that if they were hot n heavy, and he pushed back to "just wanna hang as friends" that he would apologize to her a little more and that emails would be more dramatic...what a JERK not to...I would hope that she would be more upset, and he would too. I think that's why her emails NOW are cool, she is pushing back, she is mad. I think he is pushing the "friend" think b/c he feels bad and guilty, b/c in a way, he used her. He is giving $ and all sorts of things out of guilt. He wants to push the friend thing, so she won't think he drops her cold turkey...he has snapped and realized that he led a friend on. Still going to her home, having the phone is like proving to her that "see, there was nothing in the first place, we are friends, we can hang as friends, it's not like we need to stop anything, b/c it was all innocent..." I also think that he got scared thinking of his job here. If she gets angry, she can blab to tons of people, and then he's finished. I think he snapped and saw that he was committing career suicide (if he decides to stay with me, if he doesn't he can do whatever he wants), over nothing that he was serious about. I know him, he would FLIP the world if he was serious about her....he did for me....most certainly, he would have taken an easy out and let me leave easily. AGAIN, this is NOT to pump myself up, but to understand his mind. This is the last day I will analyze his mind, b/c I am going steps further in letting go. Now, it's ALL ABOUT ME.
Now, I think she's a little ticked. I think he's trying to play like it was cool all along. I think he tested me over the weeks and knocks out a few bricks here and there. I think he's lifting out of some fog. Starting to see what he did, and seeing me again....even the way he looks at me or laughs, it's like he's trying to be with a friend....like looking at me again.
BTW--H just called now....to profusely THANK ME for running an errand for him during lunch. WHAT??!! HE HAS NEVER CALLED ME, voluntarily, FOR ANYTHING since we exploded, and even WAY before that. I didn't skip a beat. I did tell him that he didn't have to thank me overboard, it's a simple errand. He seemed to "try" so hard in the conversation, not eager to get off the phone. We had laughs, a good talk. Then, he started a song in the background, it was a VERY special song to us, when we got back together long ago. I didn't know he had it. I remarked what a beautiful time that was, he said he remembered, neither of us made a big deal of it. THAT WAS WEIRD. He would usually go out of his way to forget a song or memory, and this time he played it and cranked it up so I could hear. I kept saying that he had to get off the phone and he said no and kept talking. I chatted the whole time. I told him about my plans for next weekend, and he said he could make it too. hmmm. Does he know I checked the email? Don't think so...who knows. Then, I got off the phone with him. A little awkward, but considering the day I've had...who CARES.
I plan to not skip a beat today. Weird...I feel like dejavue. With our last 2 breakups, I feel we went through similar things, which is why detaching was so easy. This is such a damned cycle for us. One I hope NEVER to repeat. Geez.
Still, I have no idea what will happen. Things may still go south--all my ponderings above could all be crap...how would I know, I'm dealing with a person I have never met. I am so over things right now. You know, when I read the email today, I wasn't desperate, not horrified that things were comign to an end...just prepped for bad, prepped to leave, thankful that I had an upcoming trip. So, I guess in ways i did let go. I analyze H and the whole thing, not b/c I'm obsessed, but b/c of curiosity over something that impacts my life, that is a mystery to me, because it involves me, at its core.
I am detached....the Always you've seen for the last few weeks is BACK. Just a few hours of drama in my head, and now I feel stronger than ever. Nothing like being scorned to make you stand on your own 2 feet and feel DAMN good. I know who I am and what I'm worth. I know what I deserve. I won't look back until I get it, with H or with someone else. I am human, I make mistakes, I paid for them, and I am done with that. I will still be loving, detached. The rest is up to God, fate and the powers that BE.
