Some screw ups last night and this morning-on my part.
Last night, had a nice time, H told me about a family crisis going on...thankfully nothing that involves me being a terrible W. I have a horrible habit of inserting my thoughts, esp. since I know the situation so well. H was agitated at the whole ordeal (family) b/c it brought up some stuff from his past. He got agitated with me and asked me to stop inserting opinion...admittedly, I was not being generous in my thoughts about his parents involvement in the situation either--this has to do with their casting me away so quickly and talking badly about me. It came out of defensiveness. I quickly calmed down, just listened and was understanding and really sad about the mess. At the end of the night, H asked what I thought and I gave it, all nice and caring. A good recovery, but still.
Then, this morning, I awoke quite cranky. H has a horrible habit when I ask something, and he doesn't feel like answering (too tired, occupied, etc) he doesn't...OK for him not to. I HATE THAT. SO RUDE. He did it a few times this morning, admittedly he was tired, but it rubbed me so the wrong way. I said a few rude and cranky things back. I quickly found my "center" again and lightened up, was cheery and the rest. He was affectionate and nice the rest of the morning. I didn't let it creep back up.
So...beating myself up a little about all of this. I just wanted to be a friend to H last night, and I instead was the slightly irritated W...but mostly a friend...he acted like it. I think I may be reading too much into my actions....but at this stage, you can't be too careful. Also, my reactions this morning were not good. But, I'm human with emotions.
A few things I realized. I was able to quickly bounce back into the great spot I've found the last few weeks...loving detachment...let go. I slipped and realized that it's OK. I let MY vulnerabilities out...let MY wall down...let some frustrations that I put aside get air-time. Not too much damage, but it's OK for me to feel that way. Feelings are good, actions as a result is where to be careful. Instead of berating myself too much for the behaviors, I thought about WHERE it came from and WHY. The conversation about his family...b/c for 6 months I've felt like the devil W to people I've treated like gold...who are shunning me. I am a little honest and harsh in my thoughs--I never said anything bad though. This morning, I guess I was a little disappointed...this weekend was a lot of reaching out by H and then he was "ignoring" me in ways that irritate me, and I guess I was being vulnerable in needing better form him, being impatient and a little sick of being rejected. Aren't we all?
BUT...this is a long ride. It was for H when I was in my fog of ill behaviors and he is lowering the wall...this is such a crucial stage to NOT get impatient, frustrated, disappointed or needy. A few bricks at a time...this too is a test for me...also teaches me to NOT need H for my happiness. If he's in a mood, that's OK, you can STILL be happy, for YOU.
