Hi WCW..nice to hear from ya. H seems to be pulling and tugging. I'm excited for your trip! If you start a new thread, hope to find it...regardless of wanting to post M stuff, keep us posted on YOU...after all, that's who we REALLY adore.

Really nice, thought-provoking weekend. Yesterday, I had to call H at work(I avoid that) and he wasn't there....I panicked (which is less frequent these days) and assumed he was with Fcoworker. I got a little hysterical, took a drive, and then came to the conclusion that I trusted him not to do anything. And, if at this stage he had a friend he wanted private and didn't want me to pester him about, who helped him through this mess, that was OK, in fact, it was healthy for him--sounds weird, but true...I obviously don't fill a need and hurt him terribly--kinda like what we do here on the BB. Same stuff from my counselor from long ago. In the spirit of letting go, I calmed myself quickly and made peace...if it was meant to be mine, it would come back...I was determined to still stay the course of being the best me.He called me back and turns out that he was away from his office, but in the building, doing lots of things to get ready for his trip in May. So, again, I panicked for nothing, felt good to know that it would happen every once in a while, but as long as I kept it to myself, it was OK. Learning to handle my feelings and the impact my reactions will have on the M. Good lesson.

He came home earlier than I thought, we had a great time talking. He was excited about his day and seemed excited to share with me (wow), so I offered my friendship and was excited for him. No strings attached. The rest of the afternoon, he was closer/reached out in ways, telling me that I didn't need to leave the room when he was resting, etc. He planned on going out, and I encouraged. He didn't and we ended up watching movies, dinner, had fun. He actually initiated a kiss g/n after I was sleeping. Overall, he didn't seem eager to bolt out to be alone and I didn't glue myself to him either, with uncomfortable R chatter or dissapointed that my efforts in "trying" failed to get him ("what, I'm fawning over you, made dinner and you don't touch me??!! Now I will pout or ask a million questions as to what's wrong, instead of giving space")

This morning, he woke up also affectionate in little ways that he has not been since even before everything exploded--I just about cried it was so nice. We talked a lot about life, how it changed for the best, memories from the past, how lucky we were and how hard life was before. He said he was sorry for those years. I said I was too, so sad that I could not take them back. In a joking way he talked about his former coworkers hating their mean wives..I joked and asked if he said the same...he seriously answered, "no, I didn't feel that way then" He didn't make an effort to conceal my mistakes to make me feel better or to hide that he is still struggling with his personal life...he indirectly acknowledged that I was a horrible wife at times and hurt him. I didn't turn it into an R talk, say sorry or defend...I let him get that feeling out without interrupting for MY sake or agenda..it was nice and so rare for him to express his pain/anger. Also, in a way, it showed that he trusted me to handle his negative feelings, whereas before, he never talked R because of fear of my reaction. I was sad but pensive, so was he...no doubt thinking of his actions from the past as well. We didn't dwell in the negative, turned back to happy things and life talk. He initiated affection without initiating sex--before it was the only time. I wasn't chasing, jumping into him lowering the wall-just calm and let him take the lead, but showed affection in return so he would not think that his efforts were rejected...I realize that he's nervous too , after thinking for so long that I didn't love him and taking a leap of faith in reaching out.

There have been a few things from long ago, receipts, that today made me feel suspect, again. I have a nagging feeling he bought gifts for Fcoworker, and other friends, maybe expensive. I was upset (I'm still assuming, I don't know for sure), but then I was OK. I know him--he is very giving ($/gifts)to people who treat him well, appreciative, and are good to him and need/want things (I've seen him do it before--very giving nature and it means a lot to him that I respect that in him). Here was a woman and other friends (I know he gave $ to other friends at this time) that made him feel special, so he gave. It's not that he withheld anything from me at the time...in fact he gave me more gifts. All that doesn't matter--I've come to the conclusion that we're lifing out of a fog from past things we wouldn't have thought we'd have done. In our last years of M, I felt like I was in a fog. I think back to fights I instigated, ways I reacted, how I never understood or cared, and am so ashamed, can't believe I did that and could not be that way now. I also now see H sort of lifting out of a fog, of pain and his recent actions to escape from that pain. Now, the question is, do we trust that each has lifted from the fog, do we want to be with each other again, can we forget what we did when in the fog?

It was only 1 nice weekend...who knows where this will all turn yet. I'm not reading too much into things. Just taking peace in the fact that I can be as I intended towards a person I cared for deeply and who gave me their best love and intention...to remember the past for the beautiful things it was.

This weekend, I really thought of how I have grown, beyond the obvious ways in which I have changed to be a better partner. I have grown in ways I never thought necessary or possible. This situation has made me think about my love for H, the depth of it, pushed me to redefine my "conditions" of love, and to realize what, if anything, will truly extinguish love. I have come to love and respect H in deeper ways, for a strong and caring man. (In ways, I see the care he gives friends, even Fcoworker, and it's nice...he cares about people and needs care). I have faced with much pain and regret my sins of the past and harsh feelings, I owned and buried them, but stand by them still..it is a part of me. I have faced asking for forgiveness--from my H and most difficult, from myself. I have faced the true depth of forgiveness for H. I have faced letting go of something I never thought I could live without, realizing instead how lucky I was to have had it at all. I have discovered the depth of my faith, and that when the bond seems totally severed, the pull to stay is stronger than you think. I have faced that we're human, this R is full of blunders...that M is not at all the fairy tale we imagined. Yet, to rediscover love, for the sake of love (and not a R/M) and against all odds, is a miracle not found in any fairy tale.

I still remain detached but loving. May we all find the path back to our happiness.