Great morning. I felt a little low last night, feelings of guilt creeping back up. Had a good cry (alone) and felt better. This is stressful, I'll have a break-down every now and then, but it's so much easier, lately, to get centered again. It's cathartic.
H came home late. I'm starting to see that he really expects nothing but misery from me. I was chipper and started joking around, and he laughed/warmed up quickly. He looked surprised when he laughed, looked me in the eye...like he thought I would be mad from earlier in the night. I asked how his night was, etc. I told him that I was proud of how he handled a work situation (he would have been paranoid and angry before) and how great it was. He was appreciative...it's hard to hear your past weaknesses, but nice to have the other person see the changes. I know it feels good for me.
Then, I told him that I was happy that he got out with friends that night...I know it pushed him back with work, but he has been working so hard lately and needed fun. I hoped he would do that more often, if it was right for him. I did NOT include myself in plans. Previously, a BIG deal for H was that I "demanded" his time and he had none for himself. I'm not pushing him, just letting him know that I'm cool with it and see the benefits it has for HIM and care about HIM. Let it go after that.
Then, i told H that I was appreciative of how hard he worked, that the last few years were hellish with financial difficulties, and there are things i no longer worry about b/c of his hard work. I said some more things to this nature. He said "Thank you so much for acknowledging that." Of course, I have before, but I guess the negative behaviors shadowed that.
It was a lot of compliments, but working hard is very central to his self-worth and needs to be appreciated for it. I didn't go overboard to kiss ass, but tried to be a friend and tell him that I was grateful, b/c he's had long weeks lately, like workign 2 jobs. Of course, he's in such a bad state in his perceptions of me so I doubt how much sinks in (he probably rolls his eyes and what I say means nothing)...but all I can do is show it, and the rest is up to him.
He was a little affectionate...asked for a backrub and kissed goodnight. He actually offered me a rub (first time in months), but I could tell he was tired so I said, no worries.
This morning he was nervous about a work thing, I was cheery and kept him moving.
I have no idea of baby steps or his progress...but i write these things down to journal for ME...I look back on these "notes" to see how I have been doing with MY behavior. I think I handled last night well. Didn't pursue but tried to be a good friend. It's something I didn't do much before. He always felt that I made him choose b/w work and me and gave him a hard time about everything. I can't change his perceptions, but I can change what I do now--and make it sincere and not in effort to get him to reconcile, etc.
HOnestly I don't feel that these are changes that are hard, forced as they were in the beginning. I have detached that I'm not bothered and see him as a friend...and I want us both to each be happy. I'm not withdrawing too much, b/c he sees that as anger, so I remain engaged and loving--also because I want to.
Basically, I have no idea how much longer we have together on our journey...a few weeks, months, 1 year, or forever. Regardless, I want stop this mess of behaviors I engaged in and be the person I wanted to be to him...to treat him well. It feels good to do the right thing, regardless of outcome.
