Nice day. Felt great throughout. Felt confident, peaceful and good about letting this go to another set of hands.
Got lots done at work, nice meetings that took my mind off of things and made me feel that I do SOMETHING right. I bet that's why H spends so much time at work as well.
I finally made arrangements for my trip in 2.5 weeks...and I'm getting really excited about it. I plan on making some delayed calls to family...it's been hard talking to them when I feel that I have to keep up appearances and make excuses why H can't talk. Oh well. I just don't feel it's the right time to invite others in the situation. Felt good to move on with life.
Talked to H...he vented about work stuff. Then he had to go (going into town for errand--no invite to me, but I didn't want to go anyway...want him to have his space). He is still in the push-pull mode--mostly push. He seems short, awkward, sad, uncomfortable, etc. I feel like we're back at square 1 again. It's certainly a ride, and I can understand his mixed bag of emotions. This time, I'm not attached to his emotions, words, etc. I just make sure I'm being good, the best I can be, and that's all.
In a way, I see H's expressions and moods and little tests as massive confusion. He SO wanted to think I was just plain horrible, that he could not live with me anymore (and to his credit, he tried). He wrote me off as never changing, as things never getting better b/w us...if any little thing went wrong on a given day these past months, he would throw up his hands and say, "see this isn't working." Just waiting for me screw up or have doubt. Now, that I have let go, and am nice despite his testing, etc, I think he's confused. Is this real? Can I trust this? Do I have feelings left? Can I see her as a new person? What's going on?
So, those are NOT my questions to answer...just be me and either that's good enough or not.
