More thoughts. Seems like this is a true journey of realizations--each time I get stuck, feeling doubtful and negative, a new door of thought opens up. I'm not writing this to be corny or to will or convince myself of an outcome. I was reading on another thread (COG in Separated) and read about his feelings for his W, and they really hit home and opened up memories for me.
I remembered things that H said and felt for me in his love when we got back together again about 7 years ago. I see now that in ways, this whole process has tested me and molded my feelings and love for H to a level he was at long ago. Not that he was without faults, but the level of our love was different.
Back then, H said that he has made changes in himself, and wanted me, but wanted to make sure he gave me the love I deserved. He wanted to spend his life making me happy. This is all sweet, but when I think about it, even now, he cares for my feelings. In all of his anger, it pained him to see me sad, it's the reason he didn't leave. So many times he has said and acted that my happiness meant more to him than his own. He has forgiven me for so many things in the past, overlooked and expressed an unconditional love I was unprepared to give at the time. There was a time that he thought, falsely, that I had betrayed him and married me anyway....I could not have done the same. In our M, he put his feelings, anger and happiness away for our peace, so i could feel good and right at the end of the day. He prayed for us, cherished us. He was, and still is, so very patient with me.
I know it seems that I wax on about the wonderful qualities of H, and forget the other. I don't forget. But in ways, I see with the "letting go" phase the way that my love is changing. Even in the last 4 months of "trying" I was not loving the way he needed--no strings attached, with no conditions or expectations. I still had my strategy, my timetable, my tally and needs. These days, I am not controlling, demanding, I feel I have no right to that. I want to see him happy and strong each day--and accept that it isn't me that gives him that-it may be others. I want to be supportive. I am willing to forgive and forget so much, because in the end of the day, I am crazy about him, as he was about me. Is this the stage, painful as it is, that I had to go through to love H the way he deserved/needed, the way he gave to me? He went through a similar phase, and here I am.
It's the deepest thing H has given anyone, that level of love, so I can understand how hard it is to open that again, without feeling that you need to make sure you get it back. I know H...if he feels that a person truly cares about him, feels that he is special and gives to him with open heart, he will do anything for them. He felt that way about me once, I hope I can get there again.
For now, it's starting with the friendship, and meeting him with the love. Not in an overbearing, pursuant way...just normal and giving him space (which is unconditional in itself). I was not able to give space before because I was too caught in MY insecurities. Whatever time we have left together...even if short, it will ease my heart to know that I realized the gift I had and gave it back at least a little.
Again, I'm not beating myself up or forgetting any of his transgressions or my hurt. I remember it...but I remember another person in my pain as well...it's not all about ME
