Thanks, WCW. Yes, tough night. Really, the root of my doubt is impatience and not seeing the little things before me...because I've been so focused on not counting and letting go. I think now I need to let go, but still take solace and energy in the small things with H. I really do love spending time with him, and respect him a lot, no expectations and leaving it at that.
If I were to count over the 2 weeks, the positives--to take solace, not to measure progress (now that I'm letting myself): * H actually talks on the phone with me like a friend, not eager to hang up. When I mention that I'm sorry to disturb, he tells me no worries, and keeps the converstation going. * He makes attempts to be affectionate at night and some mornings--I try not to go overboard in snatching this, but I should be more enthused b/c I see that he is testing me as much as I am giving him space. He sees warmth from me as not being angry, which he is in default mode for always expecting. * Good mornings and evenings. Happy talk, laughs, etc. Silences and space in the same house are not uncomfortable (at least not for me). I feel that I'm not trying to be perfect. * Still talks of future things--finances, home revamp, etc. * Several times he brought up things that he is aware that I have changed and he is glad for it (that I can hear him vent without thinking of the past, that I am supportive and calm during this hellish work phase, that I am not angry when he's down--mentioned that it meant a lot to him that I was supportive). * In small ways, I see him trying. He calls, he tries to tell me what he's doing...he tries to stay away from behaviors that were detrimental to our M before (his anger, misery, etc). * Still emotional--cries, etc. I hate to see him sad, but I guess the fact that I still evoke some emotion from him is good?
Deep down inside, I'm happy to have had his love. They were some of the most beautiful years of my life. I know that he cannot love anyone more than he loved me, and in ways, still does. He made it a point to tell me this, was angry that I didn't understand that he cared for me most and gave me the best of his heart. I know it sounds corny, but it was nice. The same goes for me.
Funny, even though I have down moments, doubts, impatience, I still cannot imagine this not coming back together. I know I fell off the track, but I also know what he needs, and know that I am the person to give it to him, I have before. Vice versa. I want to get back to being me, and remembering those happy times when he was my best friend and I cherished being with him, in whatever capacity....through all of this the past 2 weeks, this has been my predominant thought of H.
Though I know that life isn't always fair--I still feel that things add up. In our past Rs, there was a time that H totally changed, and came back to me as a person ready to be a wonderful H, and he was. I accepted and loved this. Then, over the last few years, he fell into a pit of misery and anger over life, and this past year, he came out of that again, and has changed to become more stable. I trust that now and see it. I guess I'm just hoping for the same insight and understanding.
