Hmmm, H came home VERY late, again, and I couldn't sleep through the night. Felt so low. I had these dreams where I was the one being rejected (as I am now) for so long that I just fell out of love and met someone who desired me and cared. I felt so giddy and in love. H snapped out of it and wanted US again, but I was not in love anymore. I couldn't find a way back to him....like it was dead.
I woke up to the sad reality that for the first time, I truly felt what H is feeling through my dream, only I'm on the other side. He felt so rejected for so long, that he no longer wants it, needs it. He is out of love. Does it ever come back? Is it easier to just move on without and meet someone new than to face the baggage? In the dream I felt anger, frustration, being fed up, doubting whether H changed, why did he reject for so long and suddenly want this, why did it have to get to this for him to want me again? Though this is a dream, I clearly saw what H is feeling. He is frustrated at me trying now, after so long of rejecting. He is fed up with anything small that shows him that I might not have changed. He doubts if I'm doing this for the right reasons. He's angry at receiving something that he had to sacrafice his happiness to get. He's having trouble trusting and forgetting the past, and remembering any good of me and us. He has NO excitment, desire to come home to me, or be with me. That is the saddest. He would rather be anywhere else, doing anything else. He's very much over me.
So, I had a reality check this morning--can this really work out? Do people really come back? All this time, I thought YES, b/c in our own history, H and I have come back together several times. I believe in that love. But, is this time the last? I've been focusing on me, not counting baby steps and letting go, and it's worked. But, coming home late almost every night, I'm not stupid. I know he still is in touch with friends. How long can I do this? Is he trying, or just biding time until I can't take it anymore.
Lots of doubts today for myself. We had a nice morning, I had to center myself again to feeling unchained by insecurity, fear, etc. Now I'm battling doubt. Last night I opened the door a crack and allowed myself to feel the rejection, the indifference and total lack of desire from my H. I realized that for 2 short weeks, I covered that up pretty well. I also realized that H did the same during our M and he's facing it now. Maybe he's right....after the dust settles, we have to face that something is dead.
