Sad and heavy morning. My family has been calling lots lately, my impending trip, etc. H hasn't talked to them for a while and is not coming on the trip. They don't suspect much--I think they get the gist that something is going on, but have not pried or think things are serious. I think they're just letting us work things out for us.
Last night, H felt paranoid at why my family was calling, I said not to be, they love him lots. He said it was more pressure, and I corrected him, my family NEVER gave pressure of any kind...wanted to stop his paranoia in the tracks. Not in the mood for it, frankly. I quickly changed the subject to something nice, which was a 180 for me. He had called to "take a break" from work and talked for a while...which is a first. I let him go first, not blabbing on and on.
Then, this morning, I mentioned that i needed to book tix, call accountant, my brother called. He asked about the accountant (for a man who isn't in love and ready to walk away, he is freaked at any mention of accountant that I'm getting ready to leave)..the accountant is for OUR taxes and I told him.
H was quiet all morning and I sensed very mad/sad. I asked what, did not pry. I then said if I had done anything, I apologize, I tried to cheer him up with jokes, silliness. He said it wasn't me, he was just blue. I said that's OK.
Then, he opened up and said it was that he felt like a bad son to my parents (OK, I haven't talked to yours for nearly 6 months) and felt regretful and sad. Her's the conversation:
M: Don't feel sad, this is a situation and decision b/w us, no one else. My parents are not mad, they love you very much. They respect that we're taking this time for us. It's our life now, to decide.
H: I know, but I still feel sad. So much I regret. I can't feel happy now....I usually am good about focusing on just us.
M: No matter what we decide, our parents will love us...yours will love me and do, and mine will love you. No worries. You don't have to cheer up, you can have a low day.
H: I hope that I was as supportive to you when it came to my parents as you are to me.
M: You think I'm supportive now?
H: Yes, I was so low this morning and you made the morning nice, you made me feel better. You not getting angry with me and understanding means the world to me.
M: That's nice, I didn't think I could ever make you feel that way again. Yes, you are very supportive. Let's not be sad. We made mistakes, we've changed. That's life. I feel like I woke up last week from a bad dream, to so much regret at being a person I never was to you. I'm sorry. I was also good to you, and I want to be that person again, for me. I also see you trying. You are going through a lot now, and are so strong, I respect that and see that you've changed too. We never meant to be bad to each other--somewhere along the way we fell off the track.. You're a good H to me. Whatever happens, I'm happy to have had you in my life.
H: came to hug and cried. Thanks for being supportive.
M: Life is good to us. Let's have a strong day. It means a lot to me that you go into the week strong. We have nothing to be sad about now. It's all out. Whatever happens, we're gonna make it through.
H left. It seemed that H wanted me to talk. I kept it neutral. He asked a lot of what I meant, and told me that he just felt sad and regretful. I think it was good for him to feel weak, for me to be strong for him, to not fall apart or get angry at him. I see the benefit of my latest changes and attitude. It was shocking to see what he thought my reaction would be and that he's still testing me and his trust in me. It was nice to see him say he needed me and take comfort.
I don't read too much into the morning. Things still are the same. We just had an outlet, and I was happy at how I handled myself. Those were things he needed to hear. Calmly, no emotions. Just loving. I kept it short and let him go without turning it into an R talk. For once, he was the one that kept the R converstation going. It was nice to let him know that he could feel any way he wanted. It was OK.
Well, just plugging along. I still feel strong and good.
