Weekend was nice. No horrible moments for me emotionally. I did good at detaching, being loving and caring and nice, in a non-fake way. I didn't appear to be trying--just normal. I was proud, a few instances came up where I would have pursued, asked questions, or reacted poorly, but I just let it go, and didn't skip a beat.
Fri nite: H came home, tired. We talked a LOT about his work and a particularly hard situation that is coming up for him. He vented and told me things I should be expecting...nice, he started the conversation as "I wanted to tell you this...you should know this now..." Nice to see that he still thinks I'm his W and worthy of telling. That night, he was SUPER affectionate and all thru the nite, he cuddled and kissed. Big difference. It felt dreamy, but I didn't count too much on it.
Sat: He distanced again, but we had a nice day. Good thing I didn't expect much from the night before or the morning. I realize that he's still confused, testing and watching-C once said that he is in a very painful spot and the fact that he is still with you means a LOT, he is expressing a LOT of faith in you and you need to show the same. We did a LOT of house projects together like it was OUR home to live in for the long run. H got into a fit of ordering me clothes online, and would not stop when I asked. It was awkward for me to get that, but i finally was gracious about it. Kinda weird...he's a VERY giving person to everyone, but odd to receive nice things from someone who can't touch you or act remotely happy to see you. Still, didn't read too much into it. That night, went out with FAB friends whom I cherish. Had a nice dinner, etc. I told H that he had the car and should go out, he had been working so hard. He stayed home instead. I was cheery and casual in telling him to go out and have fun. Night was normal, no touching, again. No worries.
Sunday: Out all day. Great day doing house decorating stuff. I let him have a LOT of control, and told him how nice it was to see him excited. He thanked me for letting him do that. Nice chats, quiet time, beautiful day. He commented that it was a great day, relaxing and smiled at me. He involved me with all the choices, and at one point said "I like doing things and get excited showing you, I get goofy." Nice.
All in all, a nice weekend. He's still distant, does not ask about my life,family, etc. No affection, except at night and mornings, maybe. It's almost like his subconscious is OK with that, but when he wakes up, it's gone.
I didn't spend time measuring his actions and progress. Just had a nice time with him. I did think about how I felt. Very relaxed and pleasant. I loved how I am now...like I released the real me without all the trappings. Didn't bother me to think about other things. I didn't hang on him each step, gave him space but let him know he was loved. He actually, in a non-enthused way, invited me to go on errands today, I had assumed he was going alone and was OK. I told him I wanted him to have space, but he said "no, it's OK."
I woke up this morning feeling horribly guilty for my actions in the past. I feel so badly. All I can do is proceed to forgive myself each day, and work at being a better person. I guess any lesson is worth it if learned from.
We talked about life a lot this weekend, not R. How life challenges us, our personality types, what we step up to the plate for, how to handle adversity and when we need to make changes...above all, today we talked about how good life was to us, and that we hoped we were good to life as well.
It was wonderful, spending a day with a best friend. Who knows what will come of this....remain just BF or more.
