Thanks for the advice and encouragement, WCW--it's always a great push to move one more step in the right direction.
I've tried to get better about putting my mind to other things when I start thinking negative/pain. It's working--part of letting go, I guess. Had a nice night with female friends who I really love and respect. I think work will be great today, and tonight, I just want to relax and try to get better sleep, I'm so tired. I told H that he could have the car for anything, he said he wouldn't need it. I debated leaving for the evening, to give him space, but this is my home too, and I want to stay in tonight. So, either way, he stays or goes, I'll have a nice night. I have a list of things that I want to get done this weekend. This past week was good getting me to a stable and grounded place emotionally, but I've lost steam and need to focus on getting that back.
Had a nice night when H came home last night, he was very friendly and we chatted. But, I liked that I didn't feel like going overboard in being great to him. This morning, he was very affectionate and sweet. Again, didn't go overboard. But, before he left, he gave me a kiss (new) but looked like he was kissing a spider. Oh well, didn't bother me one bit. I was surprised to get anything at all. I finally figured that through this process he is going to go through moods, where he's feeling great, and others where he's not wanting to be with me and pushing himself or moody. No big deal. I don't find myself getting pulled by these, or see them as signs of things regressing. Just let him be and stop thinking about it. I just want to journal, analyze and think about MY actions/growth in this process.
Focus on other things. I volunteered last night, hung out with friends, read a book. Nice evening. Hope to do more of the same. I want to pull out that goal list and start plugging away at that, slowly. Starting to meditate more, workout, and this weekend time to do TAXES (ugh) and work on gardening.
No R talk for more than 1 week now (a record)...no frustrated moods on my part, nothing. I can already see that it's less stressful on H when I'm calm. Frankly, it's also what's enabled my good state of mind and letting go--what a basket case I was then! We're able to move forward in a normal life, and not get stuck in the transgressions of our past, all the time. There will be a time and place for talk and I trust that I'll know when.
