HHmmm.....I posted to this thread about 1/2 an hour ago. It's not here. Bummer.
Basically I said that you are doing great. You are working on yourself and giving your H the time and space he needs. I also wanted to remind you not to beat yourself up too much for past actions. You are realizing them and working hard to fix them. Stay that course!
And thanks for the advice on my thread!!!
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
YAY!!! Betsey and SE! I missed the 2 of you!!! My wise guides.
It helps to have encouragement and advice (but please, if you think I need a slap to shape up or look in another direction, please do so!).
Just keeping my chin up and I feel good. Sure, I have my moments, but don't we all.
You're right SE...no bashing myself. I had that realization today and thought of you...you would have been proud. I am not a bad person, am capable of being good, and have been to H in the past and everyone in my life. It's like waking from a horrible dream to see yourself again. So, not feeling too bad--just a healthy amount to keep myself honest!
H is at a meeting in town tonight...he left me a message with details...not that I asked. Should be a normal night.
I guess the anxiety, though I have let go and is considerably less, is manifesting itself with stomach aches (like a burning when you're nervous) and really cranks up when I start to head home. Mentally I'm fine, but just nauseated...also, I've been sleeping so badly. I'm hoping these go away slowly...honestly, I care about my mental state more.
A14 - you have changed in the fact that you don't keep talking R with H. That's a great step! hooray!! Now take step 2. It's another big one, ready? are you with me? Quit obsessing about everything, overanalyzing every piece of the day. Find something to consume your mind for a while other than H,R,M. I think you'll feel better.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: What is an EA? I understand it is when two people discuss their private life with someone of the opposite sex. They discuss something they would not discuss with their spouse. They form a bond of sorts for each other. Maybe it is empathy or an actual attraction
Wouldn't that mean we are all here in an EA? We all discuss our private lives here, opposite sex or not. Things we are not comfortable to discuss with spouse. Can you have an EA with the same sex, as in a woman talking to her best woman friend constantly? Is that an EA as well? We all have a bond here. Is this board our EA with each other? Just some questions to ponder.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks for the advice and encouragement, WCW--it's always a great push to move one more step in the right direction.
I've tried to get better about putting my mind to other things when I start thinking negative/pain. It's working--part of letting go, I guess. Had a nice night with female friends who I really love and respect. I think work will be great today, and tonight, I just want to relax and try to get better sleep, I'm so tired. I told H that he could have the car for anything, he said he wouldn't need it. I debated leaving for the evening, to give him space, but this is my home too, and I want to stay in tonight. So, either way, he stays or goes, I'll have a nice night. I have a list of things that I want to get done this weekend. This past week was good getting me to a stable and grounded place emotionally, but I've lost steam and need to focus on getting that back.
Had a nice night when H came home last night, he was very friendly and we chatted. But, I liked that I didn't feel like going overboard in being great to him. This morning, he was very affectionate and sweet. Again, didn't go overboard. But, before he left, he gave me a kiss (new) but looked like he was kissing a spider. Oh well, didn't bother me one bit. I was surprised to get anything at all. I finally figured that through this process he is going to go through moods, where he's feeling great, and others where he's not wanting to be with me and pushing himself or moody. No big deal. I don't find myself getting pulled by these, or see them as signs of things regressing. Just let him be and stop thinking about it. I just want to journal, analyze and think about MY actions/growth in this process.
Focus on other things. I volunteered last night, hung out with friends, read a book. Nice evening. Hope to do more of the same. I want to pull out that goal list and start plugging away at that, slowly. Starting to meditate more, workout, and this weekend time to do TAXES (ugh) and work on gardening.
No R talk for more than 1 week now (a record)...no frustrated moods on my part, nothing. I can already see that it's less stressful on H when I'm calm. Frankly, it's also what's enabled my good state of mind and letting go--what a basket case I was then! We're able to move forward in a normal life, and not get stuck in the transgressions of our past, all the time. There will be a time and place for talk and I trust that I'll know when.
Always- Super! Just more and more positives everytime you post! You get better and better. I'm glad that you aren't bashing yourself as much. Accepting who you once were and then letting it go is empowering.
I love the path your on, and where your journey is taking you. I agree, that you live in the same house as H and if you choose to stay in for a night and rest, that's your decision. If your attitude stays like it has been, I really don't see any downside. You are giving H space and time. That's what he needs. You have to be able to get to point where you are both comfortable sharing your living space in your current situation. Take a nice hot bath, read a good book, watch a good tv and relax.
Oh, and great job this am with the kiss thing!!
~SE
Last edited by StrongEnough; 03/03/0604:59 PM.
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Thanks! I'll admit the "letting it go" part of accepting who you once were is hard. I guess that's normal, and while we're not talking R, that's my thing to sort out. Forgiving myself, getting over the shame, etc. In the past, H has really changed in our Rs..coming back as a totally different and wonderful guy. He forgave himself and still found himself worthy of approaching me again, and that's what I'm remembering.
Looking forward to nice, relaxing evening! I just bought Hs favorite GS cookies, might take him a few during work, just a friendly gesture! We used to do things like that for each other, and he was nice to get me a REALLY superb gift last week (the iPod). I hope it's not pushing the space thing.
Funny, H also bought me a spectacular gift for Christmas. I was taken aback, it was a time that he barely could stand being in the same room with me. I asked why, and he said he was still confused, but loved me. Same with the iPod. I get the feeling that through all these emotions, one that H also feels is guilt for his part in things (C said that too), and it comes out in these gifts. Go figure that he got me the iPod right after the blow-out last week. It was a little weird. We all have our ways of appeasing our guilt, I guess. I went on a binge of making dinner each night and keeping the house clean as a whistle (OK, don't ask me what happened now).
Weekend was nice. No horrible moments for me emotionally. I did good at detaching, being loving and caring and nice, in a non-fake way. I didn't appear to be trying--just normal. I was proud, a few instances came up where I would have pursued, asked questions, or reacted poorly, but I just let it go, and didn't skip a beat.
Fri nite: H came home, tired. We talked a LOT about his work and a particularly hard situation that is coming up for him. He vented and told me things I should be expecting...nice, he started the conversation as "I wanted to tell you this...you should know this now..." Nice to see that he still thinks I'm his W and worthy of telling. That night, he was SUPER affectionate and all thru the nite, he cuddled and kissed. Big difference. It felt dreamy, but I didn't count too much on it.
Sat: He distanced again, but we had a nice day. Good thing I didn't expect much from the night before or the morning. I realize that he's still confused, testing and watching-C once said that he is in a very painful spot and the fact that he is still with you means a LOT, he is expressing a LOT of faith in you and you need to show the same. We did a LOT of house projects together like it was OUR home to live in for the long run. H got into a fit of ordering me clothes online, and would not stop when I asked. It was awkward for me to get that, but i finally was gracious about it. Kinda weird...he's a VERY giving person to everyone, but odd to receive nice things from someone who can't touch you or act remotely happy to see you. Still, didn't read too much into it. That night, went out with FAB friends whom I cherish. Had a nice dinner, etc. I told H that he had the car and should go out, he had been working so hard. He stayed home instead. I was cheery and casual in telling him to go out and have fun. Night was normal, no touching, again. No worries.
Sunday: Out all day. Great day doing house decorating stuff. I let him have a LOT of control, and told him how nice it was to see him excited. He thanked me for letting him do that. Nice chats, quiet time, beautiful day. He commented that it was a great day, relaxing and smiled at me. He involved me with all the choices, and at one point said "I like doing things and get excited showing you, I get goofy." Nice.
All in all, a nice weekend. He's still distant, does not ask about my life,family, etc. No affection, except at night and mornings, maybe. It's almost like his subconscious is OK with that, but when he wakes up, it's gone.
I didn't spend time measuring his actions and progress. Just had a nice time with him. I did think about how I felt. Very relaxed and pleasant. I loved how I am now...like I released the real me without all the trappings. Didn't bother me to think about other things. I didn't hang on him each step, gave him space but let him know he was loved. He actually, in a non-enthused way, invited me to go on errands today, I had assumed he was going alone and was OK. I told him I wanted him to have space, but he said "no, it's OK."
I woke up this morning feeling horribly guilty for my actions in the past. I feel so badly. All I can do is proceed to forgive myself each day, and work at being a better person. I guess any lesson is worth it if learned from.
We talked about life a lot this weekend, not R. How life challenges us, our personality types, what we step up to the plate for, how to handle adversity and when we need to make changes...above all, today we talked about how good life was to us, and that we hoped we were good to life as well.
It was wonderful, spending a day with a best friend. Who knows what will come of this....remain just BF or more.
Always.....sounds like a great weekend! I love how you let go of expectations from H on soooo many things. And, I think you are seeing the benefit. That you can appreciate the little things when H says/does them.
It was nice to read about you being happy over the weekend, even if you did blow your healthy diet. Tomorrow is another day!
Have a great night!
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
You're right. So many moments this weekend I realized that, just weeks ago, I would have been disappointed in something he didn't do/say/react. I have to admit I did have 1 moment that pissed me off, I just went away and came back 1 minute later just fine (I tickled him out of instinct and he told me to stop that he didn't like being touched in the face--I was so mad, b/c coworker tickled and you LOVED it, and now I do and you HATE it--ugh--just shoved the thought away and moved on). Just showed me that in many ways we BOTH have some anger and resentment now, and his is definately deeper. Only time and better memories can heal that, if he wants.
It was MUCH easier than I thought to let go of expectations, etc. I could just turn away and not think of it again. Or not think of it at all. I felt like I was in my own bubble, being me, and interacted when he reached out or I felt like it. I was mostly pretty happy. I wasn't "trying" to be better or a new person, it just came...I think the light bulb moment of the last explosion was great.
Following WCW's advice, I also stopped thinking of Hs actions and just me. Just made sure I was a nice person. His moods were not my fault and I just let him be. Hopefully not reading too much, but I see the flux b/w affection and withdrawal as kind of peeping out over that high wall again...confused. Maybe I'm all wrong....but I can at least empathize and understand. Anytime I feel that he's yanking my chain by flip-flopping I think of the times that I withdrew all affection/love when I was mad. He once said that it was the most hurtful thing I did. Geez...stings now. So, here it is to bite me...I suppose it's good that I feel that.
