W2S--THANK YOU!!! So nice to receive your post....it's nice to hear from someone!
You are absolutely right. I made that vow last week, and I intend to keep it. I have no desire at all to snoop. I feel that I have found everything I can, and can assume the rest, so what else am I looking for. Also, it makes H feel humiliated, ashamed, caged and spied on. He feels like a failure. I agree, he is in a tremendous amount of pain, and is working through this the best he can, as am I. If that means he has a "friend" then so be it...it's what one of my counselors said. In this case, it was more than just a platonic friend...there was attraction and kissing. I was mad because H had said that there was no one else, got quite mad at me for even asking, and had said he was committed to making this work. Then, when I was even just sad, claimed that he had tried his best, and things were not working. Well, I don't think it's trying your best when you are emotionally invested in others.
I don't blame him for not trying, he wasn't, and still is not, ready. That is OK. I just didn't want to be lied to, and then blamed for things not improving when I was trying as hard as I could. I am deeply ashamed at snooping and for making him feel humiliated. I got quite angry and all the horrible behaviors that come with that (disrespectful, etc). Four hours later, I was fine. Yet, I am glad I found what I did. It's not anything I will ever make H feel badly for again, because forgiveness and understanding is something I'm seeking as well. But, it was good for me to hear him, for him to tell me how he really feels, to see that there are other people out there who make him happier now. I needed to face that, to see myself, truly, from Hs eyes.
While I can see my faults and what I need to do, I've also been feeling good about myself as well. I think back to how I was when we met, when we first married. I see myself now, and am horrified, it's not who I am. I was good to H, gave him the best of myself and my youth. Similarly, H was good to me, he never lied and only loved me with all his heart. I am not a mean person taking lifes frustrations out on random people. So why am I letting myself be that now? I cut that last week and feel so good. Seeing him happy with another person, oddly, made me cut out of insecurity, fear, anxiety (not to say I don't have my days). After all, I can only be myself, a better me, and see what comes next. I can't try to make him fall back in love. I have to trust that it will come in it's own, natural way. I want to stop hurting his heart. I am a good person, a worthy person, I make lots of people happy, I'm giving and nice, I have values and dreams. I will not be that person that H sees.
Also, somewhere in all the anger, I lost a realization that I had this morning when I woke up to a beautiful morning in nature. Life is good. I am healthy, have friends and family who love me, a job that serves a community in need, a roof over my head and comfort, a value system that I am lucky to be able to live by and honor, a job that I love and have dreamed of for 15 years, and wonderful people all around. I also have a wonderful H. Whatever happens, no matter how bad life seemed, it was still good. I will always cherish and draw happiness and content from the memories of my H when he loved me. I was lucky to have had that. He was good to me, more than words. So, when life is so good, why be so mad, frustrated, insecure, angry, needy? I know this sounds simplistic and pain is human, but so much of my emotions were so unnecessary.
It's time for me to grow up and see things for what they are, to act mature and stop my part in making the madness in my life.
It's true, what you focus on expands. Make it good.
