Update Journal: H stopped by at my office to drop something off after his presentation. I was happy to see him and beaming. He smiled too. We chatted for a bit about his presentation (went well) and he ran out of here. I didn't chase.
I went out of town for the evening, to give him space. I called to let him know and he was short, and not very converstational. No worries, I went on as usual.
This morning was nice. We had a nice chat, he seemed quiet, but nice. I didn't push, just being myself. Told him I was really proud and happy for him. Doesn't seem to make a difference what I say and how I compliment.
Had some sad moments last night. Feeling sad and hopeless, but feeling better today. I think my emotions are all over the place. I understand that he's having a rough time with things, testing, and still believing. He's still angry at a lot of things. Something tells me that he is also feeling a LOT of guilt over things too, which is understandable.
I felt like such a horrible person, and think of how H must see me. BUT, I feel better because I know I wasn't always like this in our R. There were times in our R that I was good to him, great to him, in situations where I offered my grace and forgiveness. My love with no strings attached. So, I'm not going to feel lousy for everything I did, neither should he. I'm gonna go back to who I was, with improvements, and rise above this mess. Pull myself out of the insecurity, etc. I know well enough that no one H finds will be what I was, and in many ways still am. He knows that too and admitted it. I am stronger than that.
Good things lately: no R talk is nice. Our mornings are much better. We both get up, talk and go to work strong. That's important to H, to not get down about things in the morning to stress his day and feel weak. I don't want to make him feel weak, I want him to go into days strong...I make sure we have good days and strong mornings.
Also, no questions, lots of space. I have distanced myself, lovingly. I still care a lot, but now enough to let him go. He needs space to think, and not be on my schedule of marital progress. He's sorting out is pain, his mistrust, his old feelings for me and new, his feelings for other people (coworker) and most of all, what he wants in life and marriage. He said he wanted a partner that he was excited to be with, to share life with. That's not me. Temporarily it was another woman, but I don't really think she would have filled that role either. Just excitement, but that was easy as all I caused was pain. He said it was what he liked about being with her, it was fun, exciting, joy--things that we did not have. That hurts, but oh well. It's the truth.
For now, more of the same. I feel good. I don't feel like a doormat, and I don't feel scared and insecure. I feel strong. I know my value in his life and in the life of others. I am a good person, a loving and valuable person.
Realization: Interesting...when I snooped in Hs email, all of coworkers emails were deleted (that's where I read them). He didn't do this for me, b/c he had no idea that I would check. Yet, all of MY emails were still in the Inbox...even painful ones and silly ones. He mentioned that he reads the significant ones repeatedly. You would think it would be the opposite...saving hers and deleting mine.
I thought about this...and I remembered something H said when I confronted him last week. He was shocked. He said he had no thoughts that what he did might be bad...he thought it was innocuous. Maybe it largely is. BUT, it was like he was coming to the realization that it was inappropriate level of friendship. Yet, though he thinks it's innocuous, he still hides it from me. But, what I'm realizing is that maybe by deleting all the emails, he's hiding it from himself too. It's nothing he pursues, he doesn't go overboard, and he deletes emails, sees her with other friends for dinner occasionally, talks when she calls...seems that he's weaved it into his life without wanting to face what it might be. Part of his subconscious. Hmmm, wonder why? Is it what he really wants? Does he not want to face things to avoid guilt? Is it a way for him to not let things get out of hand or place it with lower priority? Who knows. Interesting though, will have to think more on this. Any insights anyone?
