Journaling: I feel like my posts are TOO long and too many, but I also consider this my e-journal, so here goes.
Had a nice day at work today...one of those days where the thought of M isn't always nagging at the back of my mind. Called H to say Good Luck on his presentation...I initiated getting off the phone. I actually had no urge to keep talking to him. He was short, he's nervous--so I didn't wait to have him kick me off the phone, being needy.
Reality check...I spent some time today thinking of how all this ever happened. H is being someone I don't know at all. I had such great memories this morning of times we spend together, how committed he was, how in love with me he was, how much he wanted US. He neglected and didn't try hard at times, but I see all that he was, now.
I think of these things and it's hard to believe the man I see each day, now. It's like living with a stranger. Then, i think that's what it must have been like for him the last few years, when i would go into my cycles of bad behaviors, feeling afraid of me. Like living with an alien. Hurting because you wonder how this person you once trusted to love and care for you deeply hurts you so much. So, now we've both done that to each other. I want out of that cycle--not with any outcome in mind, just to be better and acting on the intentions we went into our M with.
I think of what would be hard about D. The memories. I would not miss anything about what we have now, which is very little. I would miss the great times we had together, the wonderful H I had. The deep love I had from a person that I no longer have. The loss. It's what makes me sad now...when I look into his eyes and see nothing. Again, he must have had the same loss as well.
All in all, I feel this is a horrible wake-up call. I am deeply ashamed at how poorly I treated a beautiful R. How I always took it forgranted that H would never leave or stop loving me. Regret is so painful. I guess everything happens for a reason. This was the call I had to wake-up and be a better person. As much as I say that I am getting back to the person I was, that person did not have the ability to forgive, or to feel pain for what it was and let it go, or to see things from another person's eyes. In these ways, I have grown.
For some reason (and I might live to eat these words), I have this deep feeling that things will turn around for the best. I feel that it's so hard to trash the memories (H said that too) and hard to believe that you could have had such an intense love at one time and it's just gone. Then, I see the blank look in Hs eyes and I feel that I'm trying to beat a dead horse. That sometimes in life, you screw up and you lose. I know that I'm at this point where I've let go, and I have, but I still let the pain and loss seep in. Even if things work out, I will always feel loss for the years and moments I wasted with my behavior.
I also fear that if things do work out, will they ever go back? Will it always be partly broken? What about all these people you read about who get back together and their M is better then it was before, ever? Sometimes I wonder if there will always be a weakness, a crack that, no matter how imperceptable over the years, is still there. At other times I believe that this is just the process of discovering unconditional love...how can you if you aren't faced with conditions you have to open your heart to. Years ago, I would never have thought I could live with someone who did things to me that have already happened. H feels the same way. Here we are. At times I feel that going through a painful time like this, where you forgive and sin yourself, and still stand together, there is no more intense trust, closeness, love. You have seen the other person in their good and bad, you have been hurt by them, loved them still, you have been human and allowed them the same.
OK, just venting, thinking and journaling. Sorry for having to read this.
