Update: Had a nice nite with friends yesterday, took my mind off of things. Came home, H was not there, at work doing a presentation. I had a wave of emotions (major PMSing) and insecurity and sadness. Cried a lot and then caved and called H at work. He was not at his desk. I freaked. Paged him, and he called back immediately from a coworkers desk b/c his computer pooped...who knows what else, but I didn't think about it. ..thankfully I told him that the house looked like he ran out of here in a panick and I was worried if all was OK, computer probs (he always faces these)--didn't want him to think that I was checking up on him. He said I was right, we chatted a little, I let him go b/c being respectful of his time. I gave him a pep talk...don't think it makes a difference for him though.
Also, b/c I knew he would be swamped with the presentation, I made a friendly gesture of washing a few things he needed to wear and also making a simple dinner if he wanted. I emailed the info, and said no pressure, there if you need. He came home LATE last night...we chatted. He thanked for the stuff I did. I said no sweat. He started to go through things he did and why he could not wash his stuff...then he caught himself and said, "I don't know why I say this, b/c I feel I have to justify how busy I am and why you have to work so hard..." I said, "It's no big deal, I like doing this, I wish you wouldn't outline your work like that, you don't have to justify or explain. I'm here to help." It's sad that we've gotten out of this phase of needing each other's help, we function independently. He never asks me anything, and vice versa. But, I don't want to start that now, and be pushy.
This morning, he reached out to touch me, big for him. I gave him a back rub (his favorite) and said it's no big deal, just that he has a busy day. I didn't want him to think I was taking things too far, expecting anything, etc. He seemed nervous, scattered (about presentation), so not as funny, nice as usual. I didn't mind, just was cheery as usual--trying to let him know that I accept his moods, and don't get affected or turn it around to make him feel bad for me feeling bad.
Weird: This morning, I got in the car (which he had last night) and the drivers seat was pulled up a lot and I found a zip lock bag in the front seat. H lets people use our car. Of course, he might have been with F coworker, who knows. But, I would think he would have driven. I seriously think he let someone use the car. Whatever.
This morning, I woke up and felt a little more forgiving of myself. I know I acted poorly and did some mean thing. I was not that person before. I don't want to be now. I WAS good to H, many times when most people would not have been (our past break-ups). I was sweet to him and gave him my best. I have to remember that now. I fell off the track and hurt him, and for that I will be regretful, but I am not branding myself. I will shed that, hold my head hight and go back to who I was.
