SE: I hear ya. At times I feel that I may be too hard on myself, but in looking back at our past, H had an insane amoutn of patience, and I was ALWAYS defensive. Like your H, I would wake up later and give the meager "sorry" that I see, through YOUR words, means nothing after you torture them repeatedly. I gave him grief about all his "shortcomings" and my expectations constantly. He walked in a minefield and found himself always feeling like a failure and saying sorry and bowing his head. I hate to see him to do that now. I was insecure, and had needs that were not being met, and I got this sick satisfaction from seeing him "pay" for neglect. He made me pay by ignoring me and now wanting to walk out. How awful? I know I'm being hard, but whichever way the M works out, it's not who I want to be. I'm working on forgiving myself, but also working towards a better me...not just an OK me, but really the best person I can be, for me. I don't hide the fact that H screwed up too. Not to worry....this week, I've been waking up and meditating, and relaxing in the evenings as well, and combing through behaviors and actions I did well and how easy it was. I'm patting myself on the back and am quite proud. Even if it makes no difference in my M, at least I won't go out as a person I never meant to be. Your encouragement means a lot!
WCW: thanks for the orders! I have to keep remembering them. Really, I'm finding that making changes isn't that hard once I've let go. You're right...It has been just 1 short week where LOTS of old issues/feelings were opened up for each of us. Also like being back to Square 1--no worries, I'm happy we had the blow, I found things out I needed to, and it is also what pushed me to letting go.
I decided that I'm not tracking progress of our R anymore. I'm just trying to track my own, and really listen to H and what he's saying. These past few days are the first little bits he's let out about how he felt, in his own way (venting last night). It's nice that he's opening up like this--it's on his own clock, not on my insistence of progressing the M.
I get a little wary when things are nice b/w us. In the past months, I got hopeful, and believed Hs words when he said he wanted to try and was committed and found that he wasn't. Of course, he was saying things to appease me, as always, from freaking out and a million questions and a painful R talk. Now, I ask and say nothing. Whatever comes from his mouth is his own. So, I believe it.
