Last night, H came home again, LATE. After 1 week of being good about "detaching and letting go" I was insecure as to where he was, etc. But, I calmed down. H came home, and actually reached out in bed to touch and gave a kiss. He again said he was glad I was OK (after Dr appt), and said he was sorry about not being there with me and being out in the evening. I said that he WAS there, I could feel his concern and care, and that was a wonderful feeling. I thanked him for this.
It seems to me that while I'm in this phase, he's testing a lot. Like peeping out of his walls and throwing a few things out to see whether I'll jump and attack. First, last night he tested me with something that I used to "accuse" him of, being paranoid about work things and letting it consume him (which did happen and really wedged in our M). Of course, I handled it VERY poorly, and I apologized and explained. He was a little POed, like he was finally getting his frustrations out. I did not make him regret it, argue him, defend, just said sorry and explained what I wished he had felt for HIMSELF...did not drag our M into it. I think it went OK. I was not moody or panicked. I did not let it drag into an R talk.
Also, last night, he apologized for venting angrily about work, said it felt good though, he was happy. I said I was happy to listen to him and glad that he vented. Then, another test...he mentioned that a month or so ago, he vented angrily and I left the room, and later confessed that it made me a little scared when he did that, like he was going to go back into his terrible moods, etc. Last night he brought that up and apologized. I said I no longer felt that way...I saw his venting as just that, and was happy to share. He said it was nice to share with me. He also opened up and talked about how stressed he was, over the last months, over us and this work situation, and venting yesterday was nice. I said I didn't want him to be stressed about us anymore, it was inevitable, but I cared for him and only wanted him happy, whatever he needed. He said he knew that, and cared for me too...then got defensive and said it was late, didn't want to talk R. I said I wasn't about to, and had not for a week and had no desire to...just making a statement. I ended it by telling him that I respected him a lot, and how he handled everything he was going through. He made a comment that he was tired to picking up after people that [censored] on his life (pretty obvious he meant me). I didn't bite, just was quiet and said I'm sorry you have to do that.
For the first time, I can see his comments as venting, expression of rightful anger and frustration. I think he's testing to see if he can vent about US, and not have me flip out. It's OK. Whatever happens will happen, and all I can do is control how I react/act. That, in and of itself, I am seeing now, makes a HUGE difference.
This morning was nice. He is super stressed about a presentation. usually he gets snippy and withdrawn. I tried to make him laugh, stayed out of his way...and he finally cracked and laughed...and reached out for a kiss. Nice.
I'm glad that letting go, and reverting back to how I was is helping. If nothing else, at least he is less stressed and so am I. At least it can get us to a clear point of calm where we can make decisions. Like I said before, I'm sick of the negative cycle our M was in...I just want to pull back, take control for only what I can, and let the rest sort itself out. Honestly, he's more engaged in the M with little things he says, etc. than ever in the last months.
I realize that the coming weeks is going to be mostly a test, and lots of venting by H, much of which will be hurtful. I'm hoping it will, I'm sick of him being too nice to me to care for my feelings. He says that it's all he cares about. I don't blame him for testing--after living with someone so controlling for so long, you wonder if it can really change. He has gotten to the point of 0 tolerance.
