No, I'm not tracking progress or baby steps in expectation of results, but writing things down so I can remind myself that things are nice, to let it be, and that I'm doing well in this new phase.
H got home and was funny, upbeat, more than he's been in months. Could be that the guilt is off his shoulders (I always had a nagging feeling that much of his reservation was guilt). I never thought I was a gal with good instincts or gut feelings, but it turns out I'm not too bad at it!
We had some space, he puttered around and I was in bed. Then he came in, joked, talked and told me about his night. I was supportive, asked questions....THEN...he very kindly said "Thank you so much for being calm and supportive to me during all this" I didn't know if he meant the M or his increased workload in 2006--so I asked "with work?" he said "yes" I nearly fell out of my bed...a THANK YOU for doing something RIGHT? Not just anything, but the ONE THING that he needed the most and felt he never got from me--not just calm, but SUPPORTIVE even...dang, I could win a prize of some sort. But, instead, I calmly said, "of course, I care for you and want to see you do so well, and I'm proud that you work so hard and of your success--always knew you could." Left it at that. He seemed to have some walls down and I didn't jump in. Big 180 for me. Also, the old me would starting thinking of doing things to be ULTRA-supportive...but for now, I'm letting it be.
This morning, we had a peaceful time together. I have a slightly worrisome Drs appt today (told him last night that I would have the car back by 5 if he needed--I meant, but did not say, for going out...he said no, and I dropped it--wanted him to know that I am OK with anything he does and he can relax and not lie or be afraid--his decision to feel that way, not mine). He remembered this morning, asked if I was nervous, and asked me to call him afterwards...WHAT??? For the last 4-5 months, he HATES when I call--his response is obligatory at best.
So, I think I handled things well--and it was NO effort at all. I am trying to be be how I would treat a dear friend. Before, I would have JUMPED into any vulnerability or walls being lowered with H. I was always trying to push us towards progress...Now, I'm not. He peeps over his walls every once in a while, and all I can do is show him that it's OK--I won't come attack you. I'm OK with you feeling safer in the wall...for now or forever. Also, being happy in my own life shows him that he doesn't need to worry about me now...I'm doing just fine.
