Thanks for the post. I was reading yours this morning, and very insightful. I liked what you wrote...the part about being what a person needs and not what you think they need. I'm not assuming H needs anything from me. I love him deeply, but it's time for each of us to find our way out of this. Though I felt betrayed with the EA, I also finally understand, with clarity, how H feels about me and the way I made him feel. I feel badly, but I feel that even until last week, I made him feel the same way. Boiled down: he feels trapped, boxed in, unwanted and tortured with me. Sounds rough, but that's what it is. The best thing he knows to do is to shut down. He admitted that his walls are really high and he loves me in a guarded way.
The remedy? No demands, expectations, questions, etc. Complete freedom. Kinda hard when you're not separated, and the thought to do so crosses my mind each day. Should I? I want to, and know that H would feel good too, but then I don't think it's right. I don't mind feeling like the M is non-existent right now. It's freeing and makes me accept and see things clearly.
It's sad. Much of the time, I can see a way out. Though I feel so distanced and detached, my gut still says that this will work out, sometime in the future. Then, I see how totally aloof, unaffectionate, detached he is from me and I don't know if it can come back. You know, in our 14 yrs of knowing each other I felt the same way twice, and we came back to each other so wonderfully. So, I guess my gut feelings are based on the past.
I feel that H has to totally erase his conceptions of me in his mind. That's hard. It took me a LONG time to erase it from my mind over things he did in the past.
My old (1 week ago) self would have gotten on task to think about how I could do this....this time, I just know that the best answer is to be myself, the person I used to be. Still stay a friend, caring and loving.
It may be that this is all he'll ever want.
I admit, I still think of what he's thinking, wanting, etc. But, I let go of the control of that...the things I could do to get him back. The answer is simple: I can't do anything. It's not my place to. It never should be. He is still in a lot of pain, it's a miracle that he's still living with me. That's how gracious he is. I need to let him go to have his space, his anger, his errors, his thoughts.
For now, I will focus on me. Your advice is great. I have made a list of goals for ME in 2006. I will go after these. I will continue to share with H in whatever capacity he wishes. Each time I feel I want to totally pull away, I remember the times I made him feel hated, and he stayed, committed and never returned the pain. That is unconditional love, and I want to return the same. Not pushy, trying too hard, or expectant. Just giving. No strings or guilt attached.
In the beginning of this mess, I read a quote by Madonna: "Choose 1 person and spend your life trying to love them unconditionally." We throw that term around so much, unconditional love, and I wondered why she said to just choose 1 person. It's not until now that I realize how hard it is. Yet, also how unavoidable.
