Starting a new thread, yet again...new phase. I'll stick to this from now on. My sitch: H and I: 30s Update: Exploded in Oct 05; slow patching to now; last week found out that he had EA (with little physical) with coworker; in M, I was very controlling, demanding, uncaring, disrespectful, H withdrew and disengaged, also very angry and miserable in his job that brought into our M...a catch 22 (which came first??); last week, H said "ILYBNILWY" and "In Love with Being single"; clear that H sees me as demanding, congrolling, angry; we both came close to throwing in the towel, but neither did. We still live together.
I made a vow to stop "trying" and to let it be. To set it free and see (Dr. Seuss!!).
To date, we've had no R talk after Wed's explosion. Just a short statement where I lovingly told him that if he felt more comfortable sleeping/staying elsewhere (or wanted me to) or wanted to do other things, I would be happy, b/c I cared about him. I didn't want him to feel like my caretaker, he did that so much already. He initially withdrew like stepped on a skunk, but then he really turned around and said "Thank you, sweetie."(180 for him) Another 180 for me: I dropped the subject.
Friday night he said he needed some space and went out with friends and stayed in town with a friend that night. No questions from me. I was understanding and upbeat and had a fun chat. He sounded down/angry, but I didn't react, I let him be. Of course, that night, I fell apart. It was good, it forced me to think, and to get to yet a new level in understanding this R and what I need to do.
My thoughts on H: I think he doesn't leave the M because he hates being the one to make the final and big decisions in our M, hates being the one on the block pulling the trigger. Yet, he doesn't want to committ because he is not in love, wants his space and wants to be single. He has friends, fulfilling job, etc. He seems happy, but in things I read he is still sad and pained. Natural. He does not want to hurt me by leaving when I'm not ready (he said he wants it to be mutual), I think he's just waiting it out, not really trying but staying here so one day I'll get tired and can see that "tihs really didn't work out, time to kill it." I care about him, and came close to giving him that, but realized I'm not ready to throw in the towel. But, on more than 1 occasion, he said that he's not ready to give up either, even when we had our last explosion last week...when I was ready to walk out. He did not stand in my way, but still claimed that he was confused, said yes to actually thinking this might work out...that he saw changes in me. I have no idea if he's just not ready to walk out, or if he's just waiting for me.
Me: Lots of new thoughts.
During our last explosion over the coworker, something in me clicked. I felt like I was floating above the scene of US-in a way like dying. I felt so sad for us. I thought of what each of us were when we got married, and all our hopes of what we wanted to be as H and W. I wanted to be a good W. I wanted to be happy, supportive, caring, gentle, giving, respectful--I was all of these things. Then I changed to just the opposite...I became disrespectful, critical, mean, controlling, demanding, insecure, panicked, always dissatisfied--feeling H become disengaged with the misery of his job. H wanted to take care of me (in nurturing ways), to give me his all, to still have the sparkle in his eye, to grow with me, he held honesty so high in the sanctity of our M, he never lied--he was a great H. Then he became withdrawn, resentful, put up walls, miserable, hurt, lied for fear of my reaction and as an escape from me, has a whole set of friends unknown to me to escape from me, hated coming home, always fearful of me, always trying to walk the minefield that is his M.
Somewhere along the way, we lost our way. I saw 2 people who wanted more but got chained by fear, insecurity, mistrust, resentment, loathing, a need for each other that we took elsewhere or shut off. Last week in our fight, I saw what we were, what we became and what we had together. We still love each other intensely. But, during our M we both watched as we stomped on our M, kicked it, ignored it, feared it, and finally, last week, lit the match to torch it. I realized that I had spent 4 months saving something that needed to die. What do we have left in the ashes? A piece of paper that says we're married. In my mind, I pulled the cord to unleash the paper, to open box that we held ourselves in--we can't stay in the box...we can only climb out and grow or walk away.
For all practical purposes, we don't have a M. We're not in one. It's a choice, and that's the best way. For some bizarre reason, I feel hopeful. I realized that my efforts in the last months were STILL expectant, and never really moving to what I now see as the final phase--letting go.
This weekend, I cut the chains that held me to a W I never wanted to be. I climbed out of the insecurity, pain, resentment and saw H's pain clearly. Whatever happens, I don't want to be that person. I see, through Hs eyes, that person. I see how he feels like a failure, spied on, judged, criticized. I want to go back to who I was, for me, and for H, whatever time we have left together. That is not who I am. I'm not insisting on being his W or his friend...it's not up to me to decide what he needs. I can only be me.
All this time, I had expectations of H and how he was when he was 'in love' with me...but I finally sat down to think of what I felt and how I was when I was 'in love.' Am I in love now? No. When I was, I loved him simply, in whole, without question, trusted in him and his love, was happy to see him or hear his voice with no expectations, had no insecurities about his love. So, I have to take this time to pull back, let go and see if I can get there again. While so much of our research as we DB tells us that the phase of 'in love' is not realistic, there are core parts of it that are important. Can I love H with the new pain, can I understand, can I believe in him to be the person I loved once? Can I wait for him? Am I ready to give him what he wants? Can I be what he needs?
So now, I just pull back. I don't call or expect anything. I don't ask questions. I'm sincerely happy when he comes home. In ways, I see him with new eyes, there is no scoring of "how far have we come this week." Just a nice day with laughs. I try to listen and offer help, to care. Yesterday, he came home and was distant, scared and a little angry. He warmed up very quickly when I just acted happy to be with him, a dear friend. We had a great afternoon of listening to music, laughing, etc. We went to B-ball game and had fun, watched a movie and went to bed. He is still aloof and no affection, and neither do I, unless I really feel like it, but with no expecation. I am happy, do things for me, enjoy my life. I feel stronger emotionally and physically...oddly, with things so close to the end, I feel good.
In the past, H has come back to me (we've gotten back together 2 times in 14 years of knowing each other) only when he had space and I let go. It's also the time that I needed to be strong, to test my own love. I know H is now aversed to giving me anything that I expect/demand--and that probably also means working on the M...so I won't expect/demand it, or even try. I think it's the space we need, to whatever end comes. I'm not thinking of the outcome...I'm just letting go, being me, and being good to a person I love and care for deeply.
Let go, let God. I think there are many more pages yet to write in the book.
