Thanks again Stigmata for helping me out with this. I will do my best to respond to what you have written.
I agree his schooling and our sex life are too different issues and that sex should not be so much work for him. I do want to clarify that I have not brought this up with him or put any pressure of any sort on him for months and months now. This only came to the surface for me again when he initiated last Sat. night. I have made sure to not pressure him for quite a long while now.
He became attracted to the OW during a time when he was very unhappy. He did not know why he was so unhappy but before he could try and figure it out on his own she started noticing and "helping him" to understand that it must all be related to his marriage and family responsibilties. He says now that he would have done anything to make the pain go away and she offered an out he thought at the time to be reasonable. It was easier to blame me and take her up on her offer than to find out why he was really feeling so bad. She was lonely and desperate (his words) and had been disiplined at work for going after married men, it was her thing. He now sees he was just a way for her to pay her mortgage. I on the other hand was pretty much scrambling to figure out what was wrong with him and decided to work a ton of overtime to pay for H to follow our son around the country while he played college and minor league baseball. I thought he was upset cause our sons were older and no longer needed him as much and did what I could financially so he could stay connected. Was I wrong!!!!!!! She was also thin and I was not and she ignored her son for his sake while I was still a mom. i am no longer overweight and our kids are both out of the house, so both of those issues are resolved.
How do I establish boundaries and let him know I wont put up with this without making demands and hurting his feelings or applying pressure?
I wont focus on the future. You are right, it will be what it will be. I know I can make it on my own and that I am looking and feeling better than I ever have, including teenage years.
He did go to the doctor a couple of years back to have his testostorone levels checked and they were normal. I could set him up for a physical/prostate exam however, he is overdue.
