I need help

[Stigmata]

/"...it is just that he feels he can only focus on one thing at a time. He says he cant concentrate on a sexual relationship with me and concentrate on school too. Do you understand this?"

-- No. I don't.

Apples and oranges. Or maybe hot dogs and doughnuts?

You are not schoolwork for crying out loud. And I know you know that. He's being logical linear-thinking man. Stuffing his desire and "go with the flow" fun side. Sex does not require same "concentration." Jeez. He's way feeling pressure from you right now and is hyperdefensive so maybe we can try another tactic. Lots of folks on this BB will offer good tips 2

"Meanwhile I find this so hard. He says it would be no different no matter who he was with. I disagree on so many levels. First of all, no one else would allow him to do this and I dont think he would have taken the OW or any other new woman in his life for granted in that way, nor would they have allowed it. I feel he would have made the effort for them even if it was just to keep up apperances. With me he just takes for granted I will keep on putting my own needs aside and wait for him."

-- This is interesting. Do you see what's going on here? You are not addressing me. You are engaged in an dialogue with your inner voice. The answers, or a way to the answers, are all right here. Your voice is trying to tell you but your fear-based dominant enabling/supplicating day-today "you" is holding you back.

Here...this line...

First of all, no one else would allow him to do this and I dont think he would have taken the OW or any other new woman in his life for granted in that way, nor would they have allowed it.

-- And thats why he was, in part, attracted to OW. Sorry to say that. You are voluntarily subjugating yourself to OW/all other Fs. Giving your control/power away to nobodies. Don't do this. Take your power back from these other women, both real and imaginary. Your voice is telling you to be like OW/others. Stand up for self. Don't put up with this so he will not take you for granted. Boundaries. Be the OW. Did you ever find out what made him go for her? Might be some clues as to his attraction triggers there.

What if all of this is accomplised and he still doesnt want a sex life with me? He also used my weight as an excuse, said he was not attracted to me. That excuse is also now gone. I have done everything he has asked.

--First line. No need to worry about future negative outcomes. Tell yourself he WILL want a sex life with you through your positive-thinking proactive self-assured, vivacious woman belief in yourself. Look at Chromosphere's self-esteem tips/thread. First line is fear. No Fear. The what if worst outcome is you D and go your separate ways. There. Done. I've accepted this as a potentiality. Over. Once you understand that and know you won't die from it you can work backwards from there and try to make sure it doesn't reach that point.

Second and third lines. He is throwing spaghetti noodles against the wall to see what sticks. Excuses. Remember, it's not you, it's him. Truly. Further down the road he would say it's because you don't ride on a unicycle through flaming hoops. You'd work your butt off to do that and you'd be in the same place.

(he admitted he sometimes had the same problem with OW). I dont know how I could approach him about going to the dr. to get some chemical help or advise. How do I do this without making him feel less than? I also saw something online: a penis sleeve. Have you heard of that?

-- Tell him you made an appt. (guys hate making doc appts. don't ya know) so he didn't have to worry about it. After all, he needs so much time and attention on "concentrating" on studies and not your R. Don't want to jostle him out of his one-track coma.

If he balks? Well, tell him his "problem" could be an indicator of a prostate situation. Does he really want to chance that? Just get in there. Talk to the doc. Nothing to be ashamed about. Then he knows and never has to wonder about it ever again. Peace of mind goes long ways. It really would mean a lot to you as well.

Penis sleeve. Yes, may work for some. But this is only for an M who is fully prepared to have a fulfilling sex life and wants to do everything in his power to have one.

Gotta work on your H's big brain before we work on his little one. KWIS?

-Stigmata-