I read something on NM's thread that made me want to post something small that happened to me yesterday that was significant. I was on my way home from my C session and I called my W. I always call (she wants me to, don't worry) to check and see if she needs anything from the store. She didn't answer her cell, or the home phone. I knew she was home with the boys, it was dinner time. So I left a message on her cell saying I was on my way home (do that a lot not instead of calling 6 times...lol) and to call me if she needed anything. About 15 minutes later, she called from the home phone sounding either angry or rushed, or both.
W: What did you want, I saw you called. M: Just checking to see if you needed anything. W: No, is that all? M: Yep, I'll see you soon. Is everything ok? W: Yea, great, I'm just trying to manage 10 things in the kitchen right now. I'll see you when you get here. I assume you're on your way home for dinner. (the tone in her voice was a mix of sarcasm and anger). M: (I didn't react to her tone, just responded to the words) Yes. I will be there in about 15. I'm sorry it's going rough for you there. W: Ok. Bye.
Again, she was angry for some reason, probably because I was running late, the kids were bugging her and she was trying to cook. Maybe it had nothing to do with me, it didn't really matter, I was just not going to take it personally, which is HUGE for me. I did not say anything other than validating her feelings. In the old days I would have, IMMEDIATLY upon hearing her tone, felt blamed and gotten defensive. The convo would have gone something like this, and I know because we did it about a thousand times:
W: What did you want, I saw you called. M: (noticing her mood) Yes I did a couple times but you didn't answer. I was trying to let you know I was running late and see if you needed anything. Why, what's wrong. W: Nothing. I'm just in the kitchen and the kids are bothering me. Why didn't you call earlier? M: Like I said, I tried. You didn't answer. Why don't you just send the kids upstairs and I will take care of things when I get home. W: No it's fine, I'll see you soon. M: (feeling that she's blowing me off and being short I try harder to fix things because obviously she's not "fixed yet" or she would be happy) Ok, you know it's ok, just leave the cooking or whatever till I get home and I will finish or look after the kids while you do. Just take a break. W: No, like I said, I can handle it.
After that it may have gone on, me trying to fix everything and getting more frustrated with my W for not letting me, and her getting more frustrated with what was going on at home AND me for not just accepting it, validating and getting home.
Also, last night when I got home, instead of expecting her to be in a foul mood, I expected nothing. I just walked in, gave HER a hug first, thanked her for cooking and THEN said hi to the kids. She was still a little frazzled but really, after a few minutes she was ok, and a little bit later, laughing at something the kids did. It was amazing. In the past this would have turned into a tense thing, with me on edge for the rest of the night and her resenting that. Wow, what a little understanding will do.
