I'm so sorry you are in such pain. I agree with Rob, "Stating your feelings in a direct and honest way is not wrong my friend. You did that. You backed away from it when it started to escalate. What's wrong here? You are not expected to push everything under the rug and deny feelings. At least I don't believe so."
Thank you. If you can imaging, I was almost dreading your post...lol.
I really hope you'll accept your feelings and that there is nothing wrong with having them and expressing them. You had no reason to apologize for saying you were hurt and scared, so for the apology I'll give you a raised eyebrow.
And funny, to the above statement, it WAS the apology that I thought you might question the most. See, I'm learning. I need a wristband: WWOTD... I do accept my feelings and my right to them, I just question how to deal with them in the context of a situation where I am not supposed to be having "R" talks.
Great job, I think, calling W on her crap. She is giving you sh*t for being suspicious??? Why shouldn't you be, she has cheated on you and still is not honest with you!!
See above. I could have called her every day on this stuff but chose to let it go in keeping with the DB/DR way of self improvement and detaching from the situation. I am not proud of that. There were and will be the time and place for that. I let my emotions control me long enough to make a stupid decision. I am not ashamed of it, just disappointed.
I am questioning it, but mainly because I am realizing that this situation may play out longer than I will have the strength to deal with it and I will be forced (read:force myself) to make the decision for both of us. I hope it doesn't come to that.
And, I'm glad to see you are questioning whether or not you want this M. Her line about her not leaving now, when she was 2 months ago, about killed me. My take on that, though I may be reading in too much, is that she thinks you should be grateful and content with crumbs. I think the problem here is that she doesn't get it. She does not get that your M is on the line, because she feels totally in control. She doesn't understand that you aren't there no matter what, that she is risking losing you and whether your M survives isn't simply her choice.
As for her comment, I know I am going to sound like I am defending her, and I suppose I am, but that was not a "you should be happy with what you have" comment, or at least the way she said it, the look on her face, her body language didn't convey that. I sense she meant it as a way to agree with me saying how our R is much better now that it has been recently and that she's still in the process of emotionally re-connecting with me/disconnecting with him. Could that all be BS? Sure it could, but it could be true too. Nether you nor I know that right now. I agree that I think she feels totally in control. I think SHE thinks I am buying all the crap she's selling me because I don't show her any different. I also think that's why these little "slips" are not ALL bad because she gets a glimpse into the reality that I am NOT buying this stuff even though I don't call her on most of it. The idea that this is NOT her choice alone to make is one I have repeated to her numerous times starting on day 2 of the sitch. I know it's just words, but I have said them and she's heard them. In the absence of action, whether she believes me or not is suspect.
BTW, with respect to the friendship thing with OM, you are right, it is BS, and you won't be actively rebuilding your M as partners until she is willing to give him up. You need to develop your own boundary here as to what is acceptable and respect it.
Yep. I was NOT as strong on this point as I wanted to be last night but I did say NO at first and backed off just because I had already decided to stop the conversation.
In any case, time once again to start focusing on YOU apart from the R. That there will be an M is not a foregone conclusion, and not just because of her choices. You may decide that you are unwilling to settle for her as a partner after your growth through this process. Right now, she's not looking like a very appealing partner to me (even if I was into chicks.)
LOL at the into chicks thing. I am not close to that point yet. There is still too much going for her that I can see still through all the crap. That said, IF she were to prolong this too much longer, or do things that push me much further, I may start looking harder. She is FAR from perfect, and I know that. I knew that when I married her. I will still hold true to the better or worse part of the broken vows...at least for now, and because I still want to.
So, once again, I'd suggest you step away from the R. If anything is to come of it, let her do MOST of the work in this R for awhile in terms of pursuing you, addressing your feelings, becoming honest with herself about what she has done.
I see evidence that she is starting to understand what she's done, but not much evidence that she's committed to mending it. Like I have said in the past, this woman does not pursue. Maybe that's something that drew me to her, maybe it's something that will push me away. Anything I do with the idea that she will chase me, will not work. Or should I say I don't think it will. That won't stop me from continuing to pull back and see where I am in the fictitious R.
BTW, the necklace is not what is wrong with your R, neither is the teddy bear. You have a huge amount of anger toward your W. Maybe if you can recognize and accept that you will have an easier time not projecting it onto those objects.
Sure, they're not what's wrong, but they are sure a in-your-face reminder of all that IS wrong. Do I have a lot of anger towards her. Sure do. Like her, I feel I have spent all these years doing for her and this is what I get for it. Now, having read a lot and understand a little more, I realize we were both giving what we wanted to receive and NOT what the other needed.
At some point, you will once again see her for who she really is (hey, I know the pain induced blindness to the spouse's flaws that follows the bomb) and for what kind of partner she has been and can be for you. The sooner you can shift back into a realistic picture of W the better for you. It will become easier the happier you are with yourself. So, as always, GAL the success of which is not contingent on W's continued presence.
I am trying to do that, and in the process, I am seeing things I was not open to a few months ago. As for the GAL, I suppose it is true that I have always considered D and moving on as the easy road to take. I know that's ludicrous but in my mind it seems like it would be easy to do that if I just let myself dwell on "what she's done to me". I know I don't NEED her here anymore to maintain happiness, but I still WANT her if she is open to taking responsibility for what she's done and what WE need to do to make our new marriage stronger than the old one.
As for your boundaries, I like them. I am not IN a romantic R more than my W is. There is NO romantic R between us right now so I am in no danger of that. As for the second part, sorry, don't want to be this a-hole's friend. Oops...angry again.
