I'm so sorry you are in such pain. I agree with Rob, "Stating your feelings in a direct and honest way is not wrong my friend. You did that. You backed away from it when it started to escalate. What's wrong here? You are not expected to push everything under the rug and deny feelings. At least I don't believe so."
I really hope you'll accept your feelings and that there is nothing wrong with having them and expressing them. You had no reason to apologize for saying you were hurt and scared, so for the apology I'll give you a raised eyebrow.
Great job, I think, calling W on her crap. She is giving you sh*t for being suspicious??? Why shouldn't you be, she has cheated on you and still is not honest with you!!
And, I'm glad to see you are questioning whether or not you want this M. Her line about her not leaving now, when she was 2 months ago, about killed me.
My take on that, though I may be reading in too much, is that she thinks you should be grateful and content with crumbs. I think the problem here is that she doesn't get it. She does not get that your M is on the line, because she feels totally in control. She doesn't understand that you aren't there no matter what, that she is risking losing you and whether your M survives isn't simply her choice.
BTW, with respect to the friendship thing with OM, you are right, it is BS, and you won't be actively rebuilding your M as partners until she is willing to give him up. You need to develop your own boundary here as to what is acceptable and respect it.
In any case, time once again to start focusing on YOU apart from the R. That there will be an M is not a foregone conclusion, and not just because of her choices. You may decide that you are unwilling to settle for her as a partner after your growth through this process. Right now, she's not looking like a very appealing partner to me (even if I was into chicks.)
So, once again, I'd suggest you step away from the R. If anything is to come of it, let her do MOST of the work in this R for awhile in terms of pursuing you, addressing your feelings, becoming honest with herself about what she has done.
BTW, the necklace is not what is wrong with your R, neither is the teddy bear. You have a huge amount of anger toward your W. Maybe if you can recognize and accept that you will have an easier time not projecting it onto those objects.
I think maybe you are sliding into accepting 100% of the problems and trying to provide 100% of the solutions. But grasshopper, all you need to do, all you can do is to take care of yourself and become the person and partner you want to be. Whether she steps up and becomes the partner you want is open to question and up to her. Try to take a critical eye toward your M and W here to get some perspective, it might help you get some distance which is really crucial for you at this point, for your own sake. At some point, you will once again see her for who she really is (hey, I know the pain induced blindness to the spouse's flaws that follows the bomb) and for what kind of partner she has been and can be for you. The sooner you can shift back into a realistic picture of W the better for you. It will become easier the happier you are with yourself. So, as always, GAL the success of which is not contingent on W's continued presence.
BTW, here are my boundaries (1) I will not be more in a romantic R more than my partner is, (2) I will not be in a romantic R with someone who maintains relationships with old lovers (PA or EA) from which I am excluded. (Note, this does not mean my H has no friendships with old girlfriends, it means that they are now OUR friends. If someone can't be a friend to us and our R, then they have no place in either of our lives.)
