Ok, before this update/journaling, I will tell you that I feel like crap today. I feel horrible about what happened in general (and what my W did) and how I handled it. You can smack me if you want to, but I would respectfully ask that you try to be constructive if you can. I know what I did wrong. I just want to know what to do right...now.
Last night my W decided to go shopping. I believed her. Of course everything like this my W does is something I now have to think about and decide whether I believe her. I suppose I could just not care, and that would be best, but I did care.
I KNOW what I ended up doing/saying was bad and I know why it was bad. Please bear with me. This may be long, and I wish I could remember it just as it happened, but I am sure to leave something out.
Anyway, before she left at around 6:30, she knew I had not eaten dinner and was just going to make something at home. She offered to bring me something back on her way home since she didn't plan on being long. I protested, but she said it would be no problem.
So, believing her and having no reason (if I think she's with OM, I don't call, ever), I called about 45 minutes after she left because we had talked about her getting me a sweater for the trip. I was calling to tell her that I saw one at a certain store and to make sure she got there before they closed. No answer. Ok, so I figured she was in one of the stores where there was no signal. I left a message. She usually calls in a few min when the signal gets stronger. No call after about an hour. Fine. Now it's 8:30. Am I getting suspicious? Sure. Do I immediately get angry at myself for even going down that road. He!! yes. I thought stopped, positive affirmed, all the mood/thought altering stuff. It worked to a certain extent. At around 9:00, I was hungry and wanted to just eat. I resisted calling for a few minutes, but decided what was wrong with it, she was shopping, right? So I called...no answer. Left another message asking her to let me know if she was going to bring food and if not I would be happy to just make something for myself.
Around 10:00 the phone rings.
W: Hey, I'm outside Subway [across the street from home] but they're closed. I could have sworn they were open later. Sorry.
M: It's ok. I ate. Did you get me messages?
W: Yes. You called a couple times. I got one of your messages.
M: Ok. I figured you would have check your messages and called. I was letting you know where to get that sweater but the store closed at 7:00. The other stores closed at 9:00 so the second call was just after they closed, checking to see if you were going to be able to get me food.
W: Ok. Well, actually, Target closes at 10:00 (um, no it doesn't but who's keeping score...oh...me...forgot).
M: Oh, ok, well anyway, I ate so don't worry about getting anything.
W: Ok, be home literally in a sec.
So 5 minutes later she walks in.
W; So, what was all that about when stores close?
M: I don't know, I guess I just figured you would have been able to call. (yea, needy, unattractive, etc. I know, I know, I know.)
BTW, I paced, meditated, prayed, everything I could think of to try to NOT get into this.
W: That's funny. Look, I went down there, got a tea, got some food and yes, the stores were closed other than Target. I went there after I ate and was in the dressing room when you called.
M: Ok. (then I notice a diamond heart shaped pendant hanging outside her sweater. She never wears necklaces that way). Is that new?
W: (looking like she doesn't know what I am talking about) Oh, this, I have had it for a long time. Wow, you get like this about every piece of jewelry I wear these days and every time I go out, it's this big deal.
M: Look, you go out and you're supposed to be shopping. I called you. Why is that such a big deal? When you're "out" I never call, isn't that the case? It's NOT a big deal every time you go out, you'd admit that, right?
W: Yes.
M: Ok, then this was NOT me making a big deal by calling you. I actually believed you which is WHY I called.
W: I basically tell you when I am going out with "friends".
M: I know that. This time you didn't "tell" me. You need to understand that in the absence of you telling me that it's over between you and this guy, I get afraid and have bad feelings when I see certain things. I am responsible for how I feel, but all I have ever asked you for is a tiny bit of understanding when I slip up. I have tried to put no pressure on you.
W: I know, and I appreciate that.
M: Ok, so you said you tell me when you're "seeing friends" right? So am I to take it that you haven't seen him in over 2 weeks? That's how long it's been since you've gone out with "friends".
W: Well...no...it's been more recent than that, but not much. Look, I told you that it's not that easy to just break things off. I still want to be friends with these people...(stammers a bit) with...
M: With him you mean.
W: Yes, why, isn't that possible?
M: No, it's not. Well, at least I don't think so. You think it is?
W: Yes, I do.
pause while my W goes to the bathroom...then
M: I guess I should say that besides all that, OUR relationship has been much better over the past couple weeks, hasn't it?
W: Yes it has.
M: It's better, but still cold. I feel that.
W: I know I am cold, but considering I was going to leave the marriage 2 months ago, it's improvement, isn't it. Leave it alone.
M: Yes, it is improvement, and I really appreciate it. I wish I could just leave it alone. Actually I am going to do that now. I am going to stop talking now because I don't like what I'm saying. I didn't intend to do this. I'm sorry. I expressed some feelings to you and that's really all I wanted to do if anything.
M: BTW, did you end up getting what you needed? (trying to sorta change the subject, which the W seems to appreciate)
W: No, I just got some make-up stuff. I didn't have much time to shop once I ate and got my tea before closing (um, you just said they closed at 10:00...you left at around 9:30...)
M: Oh, well I hope you manage to find what you want.
W: Well, I am going to go tomorrow and see if the other stores have what I am looking for.
M: Cool.
Again, you can dismiss ALL this as the ramblings of a non-detached, bad DBing man, I wouldn't blame you. W said the reason she NEEDED to go out last night (even though she was complaining of being very sick with a stomach virus and tired) was because she would have NO time before the trip to go. This was her ONLY chance to shop. Sure, OT, people change their minds, I get it. Slap!
Ok, so I have to add that this entire convo was calm and not emotional at all for what it's worth, and I am sure I left out things because that's not exactly how it went. I think I got the meat of it though. It wasn't over yet though...and dammnit, this is the part I am killing myself over...
Sitting on the couch watching TV:
M: So, where'd the necklace come from? (btw, it was not either off or inside her sweater).
W: I told you, I've had it for awhile. Wow, you think I would actually wear a necklace from another man and throw it in your face?
M: No, but then again, I never thought you would do any of this. I hurts to think you are lying to me. I am sorry again.
That was it. Was I passive-aggressive? Sure, I guess I was. Is OT going to kill me again? I really hope not.
What I am asking for is constructive help in dealing with MY issues and letting go before this trip. I still can't get that necklace out of my mind.
Am I just an a$$hole that is over reacting at nothing?
I feel that I did not behave in a way that makes me proud. I did not do the DB thing. If I had, I would never have been paranoid about the shopping trip. I would have just done my own thing and let her be. Right? How do you do that? I tried. I was NOT a victim to what happened, but I don't respect my decision to bring things up either, and I DID decided to do that no matter how much I want to think I didn't.
Where to go from here? Of course I still want to pursue the necklace thing, but to what end? Until she admits it? What good would that do?
Please, be as gentle as you can be. Today is not one where I will have much to say for myself. I feel like a failure. I feel like I let myself down.
I was weak in a moment that DEMANDED strength. I know this all is inconsequential because I should have just ignored it. Well, it's journaled now, so maybe I will be able to put it behind me.
