Well, my test came a day early. All of a sudden, when I got home from the basketball game my W said she was "going shopping" for awhile. Nevermind we were shopping all day and she will have 8 hours a day for the next 3 days to shop...I know, I don't really know what's going on. Do you really need to get dressed up to go shopping by yourself?
Anyway, all this stuff lives only in my head. She left without incident, not even a foul mood from me.
She claims to have no plans for the rest of our days before the trip so if I can get through this without some passive-agressive, sarcastic BS (as OT calls it) then I should be home free. Of course the STRONG desire still lives in me to ask the questions clouding my mind right now, but I will not do it.
This has me wondering. Do we ever "get it" at all? I mean I have read the books. Re-read some parts of the books. I am still reading and absorbing all I can.
All that and I still play victim every time my W "goes out". You would think by now I would figure it out to some degree, right?
Some of you praise me for being SO good at this. Why do I feel like such a failure when I can't even detach enough to stop this from hurting every time?
How can I be a success when I still let this get to me so much, or for that matter, when I obsess to the point where I still make up these stories to get mad at?
I would have thought all that was past me. Guess not.
Sure, I AM much better at controlling my REACTIONS to these things. I don't show my anger (I think) and I am not sarcastic (much). I really have grown up emotionally, but when faced with these real or perceived crisis, at least in my head, I go back to being the same stupid man who helped cause all this in the first place.
It scares me to think what will happen in Ireland if I am not better than this. I have set a goal to be relaxed and fun loving over there and right now those are about the two furthest things from what I am.
I am being hard on myself and I know it's probably wrong, but I am just so determined to make at least my part of this work that I don't like it when it seems like I am at square one again.
Know what I hate the most? Those whiney posts like the last one I posted. It pisses ME off to read that dribble. Can't imagine what YOU feel when you read it. I know they are just venting on my part but damn...
Like I said, only a matter of days and I HAVE to get this stuff under control. I need to be firmly in control of myself and my happiness. Right now I am not and I know it. I WILL be when Thursday rolls around.
I will waive goodbye to the paranoid, anxious man and hopefully he won't be waiting for me when I return.
On another note, it seems like my W and I are role-reversed according to Mars/Venus because it's ME who wants to talk and HER who seems to go into a cave all the time...trying to figure out that one.
That's how I feel most of the time. Intellectually, I know what I should/n't do - emotionally, that's what gets me every time. I might as well throw the book right out the window becasue that's where my brains seem to go.
It's funny you should mention the Mars/Venus role reversal. I, being of the female persuasion, gave up reading that book becasue I couldn't identify with any of the female crap. I seemed to identify with the men...
Look, you hurt because you are human. If you didn't hurt, then it would be cause to worry. Right now, you feel the weight of the world is on your shoulders. The weight of saving your M. That's a lot of pressure, especially considering you don't know where your W is at right now or if she'll come around.
Maybe take a day or two off from the self-help stuff! Read up on Ireland...or places where you'll be going. Sorry for not be able to give you better advice, but I know how you feel. And we're all here for you!
It's funny you should mention the Mars/Venus role reversal. I, being of the female persuasion, gave up reading that book becasue I couldn't identify with any of the female crap. I seemed to identify with the men...
Well, I DO identify with the male role to a certain extent, but so does my W a lot of the time. I think what I may be seeing is that my W has given up trying to communicate with me and it just looks like she is taking the male role of "cave dwelling" a lot of the time. For my part, the fact that my W does not communicate her feelings to me, it causes me to go overboard in trying to get her to (not that I would have responded in a good way before). Anyway, I love the book and there is enough that rings true to me that I will finish it up.
Maybe take a day or two off from the self-help stuff! Read up on Ireland...or places where you'll be going. Sorry for not be able to give you better advice, but I know how you feel. And we're all here for you!
Thank you for the last bit, and I will try to at least diversify somewhat on my reading. There is still more I think I could learn from Mars/Venus and maybe the Feeling Good book Lisa recommended. I don't want to overload on the stuff. I WILL mix in a healthy dose of Ireland reading too. I want to learn at least one Irish song so that if I get stuck in pup in the wee hours of the morn', I will be able to earn my keep with the band...
GH
P.S. Mind is going again. She said she would bring be dinner...probably shouldn't have accepted that offer because now not only am I anxious because the stores are all closed and she's still "shopping" but I'm hungry too. Not a good combination. MUST...get...to...the...pantry....lol.
No, in order to think how good you are at DBing we (at least me for that matter) do not expect perfection from you. Actually, to tell you the truth, I expect just the opposite - I am welcoming your whining, crying, venting all you want and banging your head against well, monitor, if you feel like doing it. I assume that you do not run away from your feelings because they are "wrong" and "victimized" but rather sit with them, feel them and vent them out (here).
And THEN, after that, I expect you to take a look at yourself, think, get yourself together and react the way you chose yourself, not the situation or your wife who is "making you" feel or behave or react. I expect you to be proactive not reactive. And that's what you are
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
It's late and I don't want to do this right now so I will leave it at we did R talk, everything is ok (well, as can be considering we had a R talk), and Ireland is still a go. I will post MUCH more in the morning.
Ok, before this update/journaling, I will tell you that I feel like crap today. I feel horrible about what happened in general (and what my W did) and how I handled it. You can smack me if you want to, but I would respectfully ask that you try to be constructive if you can. I know what I did wrong. I just want to know what to do right...now.
Last night my W decided to go shopping. I believed her. Of course everything like this my W does is something I now have to think about and decide whether I believe her. I suppose I could just not care, and that would be best, but I did care.
I KNOW what I ended up doing/saying was bad and I know why it was bad. Please bear with me. This may be long, and I wish I could remember it just as it happened, but I am sure to leave something out.
Anyway, before she left at around 6:30, she knew I had not eaten dinner and was just going to make something at home. She offered to bring me something back on her way home since she didn't plan on being long. I protested, but she said it would be no problem.
So, believing her and having no reason (if I think she's with OM, I don't call, ever), I called about 45 minutes after she left because we had talked about her getting me a sweater for the trip. I was calling to tell her that I saw one at a certain store and to make sure she got there before they closed. No answer. Ok, so I figured she was in one of the stores where there was no signal. I left a message. She usually calls in a few min when the signal gets stronger. No call after about an hour. Fine. Now it's 8:30. Am I getting suspicious? Sure. Do I immediately get angry at myself for even going down that road. He!! yes. I thought stopped, positive affirmed, all the mood/thought altering stuff. It worked to a certain extent. At around 9:00, I was hungry and wanted to just eat. I resisted calling for a few minutes, but decided what was wrong with it, she was shopping, right? So I called...no answer. Left another message asking her to let me know if she was going to bring food and if not I would be happy to just make something for myself.
Around 10:00 the phone rings.
W: Hey, I'm outside Subway [across the street from home] but they're closed. I could have sworn they were open later. Sorry.
M: It's ok. I ate. Did you get me messages?
W: Yes. You called a couple times. I got one of your messages.
M: Ok. I figured you would have check your messages and called. I was letting you know where to get that sweater but the store closed at 7:00. The other stores closed at 9:00 so the second call was just after they closed, checking to see if you were going to be able to get me food.
W: Ok. Well, actually, Target closes at 10:00 (um, no it doesn't but who's keeping score...oh...me...forgot).
M: Oh, ok, well anyway, I ate so don't worry about getting anything.
W: Ok, be home literally in a sec.
So 5 minutes later she walks in.
W; So, what was all that about when stores close?
M: I don't know, I guess I just figured you would have been able to call. (yea, needy, unattractive, etc. I know, I know, I know.)
BTW, I paced, meditated, prayed, everything I could think of to try to NOT get into this.
W: That's funny. Look, I went down there, got a tea, got some food and yes, the stores were closed other than Target. I went there after I ate and was in the dressing room when you called.
M: Ok. (then I notice a diamond heart shaped pendant hanging outside her sweater. She never wears necklaces that way). Is that new?
W: (looking like she doesn't know what I am talking about) Oh, this, I have had it for a long time. Wow, you get like this about every piece of jewelry I wear these days and every time I go out, it's this big deal.
M: Look, you go out and you're supposed to be shopping. I called you. Why is that such a big deal? When you're "out" I never call, isn't that the case? It's NOT a big deal every time you go out, you'd admit that, right?
W: Yes.
M: Ok, then this was NOT me making a big deal by calling you. I actually believed you which is WHY I called.
W: I basically tell you when I am going out with "friends".
M: I know that. This time you didn't "tell" me. You need to understand that in the absence of you telling me that it's over between you and this guy, I get afraid and have bad feelings when I see certain things. I am responsible for how I feel, but all I have ever asked you for is a tiny bit of understanding when I slip up. I have tried to put no pressure on you.
W: I know, and I appreciate that.
M: Ok, so you said you tell me when you're "seeing friends" right? So am I to take it that you haven't seen him in over 2 weeks? That's how long it's been since you've gone out with "friends".
W: Well...no...it's been more recent than that, but not much. Look, I told you that it's not that easy to just break things off. I still want to be friends with these people...(stammers a bit) with...
M: With him you mean.
W: Yes, why, isn't that possible?
M: No, it's not. Well, at least I don't think so. You think it is?
W: Yes, I do.
pause while my W goes to the bathroom...then
M: I guess I should say that besides all that, OUR relationship has been much better over the past couple weeks, hasn't it?
W: Yes it has.
M: It's better, but still cold. I feel that.
W: I know I am cold, but considering I was going to leave the marriage 2 months ago, it's improvement, isn't it. Leave it alone.
M: Yes, it is improvement, and I really appreciate it. I wish I could just leave it alone. Actually I am going to do that now. I am going to stop talking now because I don't like what I'm saying. I didn't intend to do this. I'm sorry. I expressed some feelings to you and that's really all I wanted to do if anything.
M: BTW, did you end up getting what you needed? (trying to sorta change the subject, which the W seems to appreciate)
W: No, I just got some make-up stuff. I didn't have much time to shop once I ate and got my tea before closing (um, you just said they closed at 10:00...you left at around 9:30...)
M: Oh, well I hope you manage to find what you want.
W: Well, I am going to go tomorrow and see if the other stores have what I am looking for.
M: Cool.
Again, you can dismiss ALL this as the ramblings of a non-detached, bad DBing man, I wouldn't blame you. W said the reason she NEEDED to go out last night (even though she was complaining of being very sick with a stomach virus and tired) was because she would have NO time before the trip to go. This was her ONLY chance to shop. Sure, OT, people change their minds, I get it. Slap!
Ok, so I have to add that this entire convo was calm and not emotional at all for what it's worth, and I am sure I left out things because that's not exactly how it went. I think I got the meat of it though. It wasn't over yet though...and dammnit, this is the part I am killing myself over...
Sitting on the couch watching TV:
M: So, where'd the necklace come from? (btw, it was not either off or inside her sweater).
W: I told you, I've had it for awhile. Wow, you think I would actually wear a necklace from another man and throw it in your face?
M: No, but then again, I never thought you would do any of this. I hurts to think you are lying to me. I am sorry again.
That was it. Was I passive-aggressive? Sure, I guess I was. Is OT going to kill me again? I really hope not.
What I am asking for is constructive help in dealing with MY issues and letting go before this trip. I still can't get that necklace out of my mind.
Am I just an a$$hole that is over reacting at nothing?
I feel that I did not behave in a way that makes me proud. I did not do the DB thing. If I had, I would never have been paranoid about the shopping trip. I would have just done my own thing and let her be. Right? How do you do that? I tried. I was NOT a victim to what happened, but I don't respect my decision to bring things up either, and I DID decided to do that no matter how much I want to think I didn't.
Where to go from here? Of course I still want to pursue the necklace thing, but to what end? Until she admits it? What good would that do?
Please, be as gentle as you can be. Today is not one where I will have much to say for myself. I feel like a failure. I feel like I let myself down.
I was weak in a moment that DEMANDED strength. I know this all is inconsequential because I should have just ignored it. Well, it's journaled now, so maybe I will be able to put it behind me.
dont beat yourself up about - we all have days and times when we slip into 'old' ways and cant help ourselves from saying something...
The best thing now is to completely forget about it. Dont mention it again to your W. Just act as though nothing happended and go back to doing what you did before...
I dont think there is any harm now and again to say what you think anyway - as long as its not every week. now and again sometimes can have a good effect and make our partners sit back and think...
Think you also need to accept in your own mind that you W might have been meeting a friend, who knows!! But by getting jealous and questioning her is not going to work, unfortunately this could well push your W the other way... Try and ignore it....... Better still - you go out shopping one day and do the same if she tries to ring you... create a bit of mystery about yourself... make your W start worrying about where you are and what you are doing for a change...
GH - it's OK. You're human. You backslid - par 4. Now pick yourself and move forward. Don't dwell on it - that will only make it worse.
You cannot beat yourself up every time you screw up or make a mistake. You are not perfect. Neither is your W. Read over what happened - it doesn't sound as bad as you may be feeling.
You do need to just keep your mouth shut. Every time you want ask a question, every time you want to grill your W; every time you want to say anything regarding the R or OM - ask yourself - "Will this get me closer to my goal?" Or better yet - "Will asking this make me look like a pathetic, whiny, clingy fool?" That's the one I use when I want to say something that I "FEEL" I need to ask. Usually, my answer to myself is "No, it won't bring me closer to my goal" and "Yes, I will look like a jackass if I ask that question." So, I shut up.
Until such time that you and your W have BOTH agreed to a reconciliation or re-commitment to your M (which is NOT where you are as of yet) - once that happens, there will be plenty of time to work these things out. Until that time, you must try to just let her be; let her go. No matter how much it hurts; no matter how much your PRIDE screams at you to get the "answers".
And, maybe C1's suggestion is a good idea - doing some shopping for yourself. As long as it's not being done to "punish" your wife. If you want that damned sweater - go to the store and get it yourself. No need to let your W know. Just go buy it. I assure you, she will notice that you've got it without you being obvious about it. And, if she buy you the same one today, just keep your receipt and take it back (and by something else nice for yourself!).
