P.S. This doesn't mean invalidating your own feelings. It is perfectly reasonable for you to feel insecure and have doubts about her activities. It will take a lot of time and work to build that trust.
OH SURE, now you throw that in AFTER my somewhat less than calm response to your post. Thank you for that, and as usual, re-reading your post, I am getting a little more out of it. If nothing else, your posts should teach me to wait longer in a situation before firing back. lol.
Oh...and btw...I did apologize for the sarcasm. "Sorry for earlier. I get uncomfortable when I think things are going on but I shouldn't react that way."
Ah, I was wondering if you would notice the sarcasm ;-) Apologies, you are right that it isn't really very constructive.
Anyway, I really think that she was trying to reassure you by saying it was her sister. I think that was her being sensitive to your needs. I could be wrong, but I really think that to get anywhere sometimes you have to take the risk of looking for the best in someone.
If she was concerned about your feelings and trying to be open and supportive with respect to the phone call, don't underestimate what that would have cost her. Her disclosing acknowledges that you have good reason to be suspicious. My guess is that would be a pretty big deal for her.
And yes, I think it is still a good idea to empathize with her pain, because in the long run that helps YOU. This doesn't mean letting her off the hook. And, it certainly doesn't mean dismissing or repressing your own feelings. But it means being able to extend some genuine compassion to her AND to realize that she is not trying to hurt you, as misguided as her actions are.
Finally, you are 100% right about rebuilding trust after an A. When you are both there and that is clearly the project that you can talk openly about, when you can openly express your needs and desires for the R, then I personally think the totally open book policy is the way to go. In any case, I agree that her ability to validate your fear, insecurity, and anger concerning fidelity issues and your lack of trust, as well as her willingness to actively work to resolve those problems are key to a successful reconcilliation when you are both at that point.
And, of course you aren't perfect. That's a good thing, I'm not sure who would be interested in an R with a perfect human being, lol.
Don't assume the apology wasn't appreciated. The turned back and silence could have been because she was feeling guilty and was having a hard time processing things because she understands why you would feel insecure. That is, she couldn't face you because she couldn't face herself.
Wow, this is GOOD stuff. I wish I had read this years ago! Someone asked if Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus had anything in it about our situations. I would say it has everything about our situations in it without calling it by it's name. The part I just listened to was all about how women typically come to the conclusion that they have given too much as they mature and often blame their partners. Can you say WAW, or MLC? I am really getting a LOT out of this book. I think if I had it to do over again I would have read it before some of the others. I guess I resisted it because it seemed too popular to be of actual use. Does that make sense. I think it's the Dr. Phil syndrome. I could not have been more wrong.
You ever just get angry? Like, how DARE they do this to me? I know I did things to her, and continue to, but sometimes I just have to get that self pity out. Once I do, I can let go. That's where I am at this moment in time. Today has been cold. She has not really been around all day. Been me and the kids. She WAS actually here with us, but not if you get the idea. I guess once again I am angry at the thought that her needs are being met by some other guy and mine are just flapping in the wind. I know I am doing much better at finding my own happiness, but there is just some things that a partner is better for. I am not really sad or upset, just blah and a bit angry. Gonna have to listen to more Mars/Venus while I sweep and mop. My turn for it while W packs some things for the trip.
Also, the constant lies, or my perception of things as lies, is getting to me. Every time she says something that doesn't fit it makes me wonder. I only ever show it rarely, like last night. Most of the time I convince myself that it's all in my head. It's just some things are so blatant. Finding two of the same movies that she claimed were in her trunk last week to "watch on her own in the car with the portable DVD player" in the garage this morning just brought me down a notch or two. I put them away...she takes them again. Guess she didn't get to watch them on the DVD player that has been in my care all week... Yes OT, I know. I am being stupid, weak and indirect. Ok, I accept that. What I am doing though is focusing on my goal of making the trip to Ireland a fun time, and bringing up this stuff, or even letting it corrode my mind any longer, will NOT help me achieve that goal.
Limbo does this to a person.
So, I vent, therefore I am...better. I am gonna put the iPod back on, re-focus on the tasks at hand and go be a Martian again...there's a cave out there with my name on it!
GH...have you read the Feeling Good book. I think you need to read that before you get on the plane to Ireland.
As you know, I've moved over to the Survived the D BB...and I'd like to share a thread that was just started by a guy who is D. Thought you might all (all the guys posting on your thread) might like some of his insight into his mistakes along the way that he feels may have contributed to the D. What Becomes of US after the D
Ok Lisa. I will try to get that one and give it a read. I am still listening to Mars/Venus and about 1/2 way through the Little Book of Letting Go. I feel like I have too much self help stews on the stove, but if you think that one is worth it, I will look at it. 3 days and counting... Wish I could say I was getting more excited. I am getting more anxious.
Oh, and I checked out that thread. There was some insight there for sure. I will keep checking up on you and him.
