We have talked about this before, it's H that has to accept and understand that it is his anger that drives this dynamic. And you know what it's not even the anger that's the problem, he may well be justified in his anger, but it's how that it's expressed that is the problem.
I was and sometimes still am that angry man. Always do you have my back on this one? It's very difficult to see in yourself, it take a conscious effort to keep it in check.
Tell me if this sounds familiar. H gets angry for whatever reason, at you, at the car that won't start, whatever - throws a fit, yells, breaks something. The storm passes and then apologizes for the behavior. A day, a week, a month goes by and boom another blow up.
I've been there, done that. Trust me he doesn't like this about himself, but often finds ways to justify his anger and behavior, especially when he's in the apology phase. I sure you often see the apologies as too little to late or insincere, because you know that this is going to happen again and again.
Now, who is harmed bay all of this. You and especially the children are frightened and hurt. The children are learning that this is how to deal with their own anger. You blame him for bad behavior, he blames you for "driving him to it" "pushing his buttons" - R suffers. You are made to feel bad about yourself, you become angry. H becomes withdrawn and sullen, and on and on.
Yeah, it sucks. Now how to deal with it. Not as easy as identifying it.
Now, we may have talked about this before, but refresh my memory. Would you describe your H as controlling? Always - would your spouse use those words to describe you? I know mine would.
Controlling people hate to be controlled. By anyone or any situation, they want to orchestrate everything. When things don't fit into their neat little boxes, when things don't play out exactly as they envisioned them, the controller becomes anxious and strikes out with anger.
How am I doing so far?
Could your H feel controlled by your current situation, selling the house, changing jobs, moving to another state? For right now he is the family's only source of income. Could that be adding to the stress?
I know sometimes when I become overwhelmed, I shut down. Nothing gets accomplished. Bills, laundry, dirty dishes - everything piles up. And you know what? That fuels the fire and adds to the anxiety. Now I worry about the laundry too! Ultimately something snaps and I'm usually able to get back on track, and I'm sure your H will too.
But it's the cycle that he needs to break, you can't do it. It's like the substance abuser, they can't deal with the issue until they recognize it as a problem.
Really what is needed right now are survival techniques for you and the kids. I don't have those answers. I'm on the wrong side of the issue. What we really need here is some input from those that are married to a controlling, angry, SOB like me.
