You're looking forward to H coming home!!! That's nice. Says a lot about how far you've both come. I know that he's probably looking forward to it as well.
Hi! No, not taking a break. Things have been crazy busy here working on the house. The realtor is coming Wednesday to do the paperwork and such....then it's market time!!!
Sorry, hope I didn't worry anyone. THings here are great, just real busy.
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Well, since ranting seems to be the thing this week, I have a little rant of my own.
I had posted before about H not helping out around here. Well, while he was gone last week, I worked my butt off getting this house is perfect shape. Now, I understand that it IS lived in and therefore will get messy. But, Ispent a lot of time cleaning and organizing his desk, which is just atrocious and looks ridiculous next to my clean tidy desk.
So, tomorrow morning we have the realtor coming to see the house and get the ball rolling. H knew there was a lot to get done today in preparation for this. Well, this morning he leaves to get a haircut, go rent movies, etc. Does not offer to help although he knows how stressed I am about everything. When he finally returns he only has an hour left before work. He asks me what's bothering me so I tell him. I told him I feel like I have to do everything around here. Even on his days off, he will do something (one thing) and then he is either wiped out and needs a nap or doesn't feel good and needs a nap. I told him I would love to nap since I get up so early in the morning but I can't because there are things to do. He gets pissed and storms off. I ask him about 15 minutes later if he was going to hold it against me all day and give me an attitude. I explained that he always reacts that way and I cannot win. If I tell him nothing is wrong he knows I am lying and I get an attitude, if I tell him he gets pissed at me and I get more of an attitude. I told him that just for once it would be nice if he took a deep breath, maybe gave me some A&V........but no, he has to explode with anger. It makes me feel like I cannot talk to him. That's when the you know what hit the fan. He was working on the screen door to one of the glass sliders and he proceeded to throw it, swearing at me and telling me to do everything myself to sell house. I told him no problem, I have been anyway. He continues to throw and slam things and my D (home sick from school) is now in tears because he is such a jerk he is literally knocking pictures off the wall slamming things. That was my boundary and he crossed it. I told him if he was going to continue to act this way and scare his kids, he needed to leave. He said fine. He apologized to D for scaring her, got dressed and left. Before he left, I told him that I am finding him selfish because it was more important to hold onto his anger and have to leave and upset the kids yet again then to take a deep breath and approach the situation differently.
So.....as per usual......I have to get this whole house ready by myself. Don't know if he's coming home tonight, he tells me he is tired of me asking him to leave....well, I wouldn't if he controlled his outbursts.
Life sucks once again.
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Not that you don't already know this, but H really needs to get it into his head that his anger problems are the block. I admit, I was stubborn, defensive, fought hard. THEN, I saw the light. It took H telling me over and over again how my anger problems were what held him back, stamped out his love and made him feel hopeless. It's still traumatic for him...no matter what he does, he's still afraid of my anger.
Even yesterday, as much as I thought that he wanted to kiss butt as a sign to keep me, it was more that he didn't want to face my wrath.
I know you've told him this again and again. But, you stated it so beautifully in your last sentences...how he cared more about his anger than anything else. Is there a different way to communicate that to him? Does your C have suggestions? A letter? Email? Taped message?
No....I am not seeing my C as frequently now because things were going so good. H called to apologize. I told him I didn't want his apology because they don't mean anything anymore. He we still go back to the old behaviors. Then I hung up on him. He called back immediataly saying he didn't want to argue with me. I told him too late, he acted like an animal, tipped over the candle.....and spilled it all over the jukebox and the wahh. His response "It's only wax" He totally did NOT get the point. I told him it didn't matter, the point was he acted like an animal. I ended the conversation by saying "you left with me with a huge mess to deal with and I do not have time to argue" As I was hanging up again I heard him threaten me by saying I was making a big mistake here.
BIG WHATEVER. I don't have the time to worry about it. My house is going on the market tomorrow, for a reduced price for a quick sale. Then, I am going forth with my plans and moving. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to come with me. He pushed us all the way back to square one today and I don't know if I have the strength to come back again.
~SE
Last edited by StrongEnough; 03/14/0607:42 PM.
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
We have talked about this before, it's H that has to accept and understand that it is his anger that drives this dynamic. And you know what it's not even the anger that's the problem, he may well be justified in his anger, but it's how that it's expressed that is the problem.
I was and sometimes still am that angry man. Always do you have my back on this one? It's very difficult to see in yourself, it take a conscious effort to keep it in check.
Tell me if this sounds familiar. H gets angry for whatever reason, at you, at the car that won't start, whatever - throws a fit, yells, breaks something. The storm passes and then apologizes for the behavior. A day, a week, a month goes by and boom another blow up.
I've been there, done that. Trust me he doesn't like this about himself, but often finds ways to justify his anger and behavior, especially when he's in the apology phase. I sure you often see the apologies as too little to late or insincere, because you know that this is going to happen again and again.
Now, who is harmed bay all of this. You and especially the children are frightened and hurt. The children are learning that this is how to deal with their own anger. You blame him for bad behavior, he blames you for "driving him to it" "pushing his buttons" - R suffers. You are made to feel bad about yourself, you become angry. H becomes withdrawn and sullen, and on and on.
Yeah, it sucks. Now how to deal with it. Not as easy as identifying it.
Now, we may have talked about this before, but refresh my memory. Would you describe your H as controlling? Always - would your spouse use those words to describe you? I know mine would.
Controlling people hate to be controlled. By anyone or any situation, they want to orchestrate everything. When things don't fit into their neat little boxes, when things don't play out exactly as they envisioned them, the controller becomes anxious and strikes out with anger.
How am I doing so far?
Could your H feel controlled by your current situation, selling the house, changing jobs, moving to another state? For right now he is the family's only source of income. Could that be adding to the stress?
I know sometimes when I become overwhelmed, I shut down. Nothing gets accomplished. Bills, laundry, dirty dishes - everything piles up. And you know what? That fuels the fire and adds to the anxiety. Now I worry about the laundry too! Ultimately something snaps and I'm usually able to get back on track, and I'm sure your H will too.
But it's the cycle that he needs to break, you can't do it. It's like the substance abuser, they can't deal with the issue until they recognize it as a problem.
Really what is needed right now are survival techniques for you and the kids. I don't have those answers. I'm on the wrong side of the issue. What we really need here is some input from those that are married to a controlling, angry, SOB like me.
