New Year, New Life, New Me...New Thread!

[always_14]

WOW...what a change for him, from the crazy, controlling H. That is wonderful. I'm sure he is pushing his feelings down, and you handled it nicely. Good to readdress, too. All in all, I think you got a good reaction from him because you were considered his feelings, that must make him feel good (remember, I'm speaking from your Hs side of the fence). I would feel a little uncomfortable, but knowing that my spouse cared about my feelings would make me feel WORLDS better and ultimately OK with the situation.

How about tonight you tell him that you know it probably will be uncomfortable for him, you understand. You don't want to do that to him, so ask for HIS help to come up with a solution, where you still go, and he feels comfortable (like, who else besides your mom can you take, or can he come with you for a bit?).

You know all those pestering qusetions I asked you the other day...what triggers his reactions, etc. Well, this is exactly what you're doing now. See how miraculously it works? You know what triggers him, you address it, respect it, and he reacts differently. It all comes from him feeling like you don't care, or don't love him.

Proud of you. Keep it up.

[Was2sad]

Tell me again why he should be uncomfortable.

1. Do you deserve to go, and want to?
2. Are you abandoning your family in the street?
3. Do your kids deserve a little bonding time with dad?
4. Does dad need a little time to feel your absence?
5. Would you do the same for him?
6. Will you do the same? Suggest he do something?
7. Will you and the kids benefit from a short break?
8. Will it hurt the family financially?
9. Will it make the economy stronger?
10. Will you tell us your room number?

[StrongEnough]

Always- Yes, it is quite a change. He called, got all the info for his week away. Come to find out the school is only twenty minutes away. He said his stomach was in knots because he fears what going is going to do to us. He is worried that I am going to ASSume he is doing something wrong. I guess that's something else that needs to be discussed. I understand you on how I went about the conversation, and truth be told, that's pretty much how I would normally go about doing it. So, the only real change was H's reaction or lack thereof. I am sure he is definitely against me going but doesn't dare say so.

W2S-
1. Do you deserve to go, and want to? Yes and yes.
2. Are you abandoning your family in the street? no
3. Do your kids deserve a little bonding time with dad? absolutely!
4. Does dad need a little time to feel your absence? Again, absolutely!
5. Would you do the same for him? Hmm, I would have to say that I am not sure. Only because of the ex b/f. If he were to go away for a night where an ex g/f is...not sure I would be too keen on the idea. Would I stop him?? No, I really have no right to do so if he felt that was something he needed. Hey...I'm on to something here....!
6. Will you do the same? Suggest he do something? I can suggest it and have, he chooses and has usually chosen not to go anywhere. He has no friends to speak of.
7. Will you and the kids benefit from a short break? I know I sure would!
8. Will it hurt the family financially? No
9. Will it make the economy stronger? The way I spend $$ there....ha, I should own the place!
10. Will you tell us your room number?
Maybe.....but you would have to show up with lots of champagne, roses and more champagne!!


~SE

[StrongEnough]

I think I had a brainstorm!! Or...just a brainfart. But, I see opportunity here. I have been pondering over the situation all day. I have come up with a reasonable plan for this.

H is afraid that his going away for a week will cause trust issues between the two of us, and I am worried that one night away where ex b/f works will cause trust issues. So...if we can negotiate to take our trust for one another only one minute or one day at a time. i.e. While he is away, I will take it day by day and tell myself that I am going to give him my trust for that day. Not worry about a whole week's worth up front. At the same time, he can trust me for an hour or two at a time....or however long he can...while I go. (If we can't get a sitter).

If we can do this, it is a step forward on starting to trust each other again. Does that sound like a resonable plan or is it just plain stupid? Any thoughts???

~SE

[always_14]

Hey, that sounds great! Nice work! It affirms both of you and makes you both feel good, and not like criminals.

Make sure you reassure him that you WANT to trust him and will for those days. You believe in him. That will go a long way...when you see yourself in someone's eyes as a good person, you want to be that. It's great that he cares about going away and what it might do to the R and your mistrust. He knows it's an issue, so take this as an opportunity to work on it. Your idea is great.

When you get back, talk about it again, check in to see how each of you felt...you trusted him, he trusted you,, your fears, etc. That will be nice.

[StrongEnough]

Well, I didn't talk to H last night. By the time he got home and shoveled us out....he was tired and didn't feel well. He has a huge test today and was stressed out over it. I decided against bringing up anything and putting more stress on him. Tonight is another night. The test will be behind him and I will have his full attention then.

It affirms both of you and makes you both feel good, and not like criminals

Thanks Always. That is what I am hoping to acheive. I know that while the other one is away, we are bound to worry. It can't be avoided and shouldn't be. Worrying a little only shows concern for the state of the marriage. I am trying to create a stable ground for the worry so it can be handled better by the both of us.

Well, nothing else new to report today. Guess I'll go nose around on other people's thread and see how everyone is doing!

~SE

[Was2sad]

SE

Look for ideas to reinforce the trust. Maybe talk. Maybe symbolism.

When you tell him you trust him, ALWAYS maintain eye contact. If he blinks or looks away, try to regain his eye contact so he sees your words come across your lips.

Symbolim. What act or object could represent your trust for him. What could you hand him to carry as a reminder of your trust, that he may need to give back to you when he returns. This repeated process of acknowledging trust each time he leaves gets planted deep in subconsious. It may be an object or charm that goes on his keychain or in his pocket. You just don't want it to be easy to lose, accidentally. That would make you both feel bad. Is he into neckchains, bracelets, or pinky rings? Something as simple as a note for his wallet even.
See if he doesn't recipricate with his own symbolism after the first time.

[StrongEnough]

W2S- Thanks for the great idea. I do have something that I can give him as a symbol. It's the original wedding band he wore when we married. I replaced it a few years ago because when I was in labor w/ D10...I squeezed his hand so hard I bent it pretty bad.

When he goes away, the attire requires professional dress code...and only plain wedding bands are allowed. The one he currently wears has diamonds on it, so it's not acceptable. He can wear his old one....and it will be with him at all times.

Great tip.........thanks!!!!!!!

~SE

[always_14]

SE--you're doing so good! How nice of you this morning to give him his space. You'll talk in good time. I'm sure he appreciated the support with his test too.

W2S...LOVE the ideas. How sweet.

[StrongEnough]

Always- Thanks. I am trying to think before I act. It is something I normally do, but when it comes to discussions, I have a tendency to have to "get it out in the open" regardless of the timing. Usually, it's not a good time. So I am trying to be more aware of my timing. There is no point trying to talk to H when his mind is elsewhere, or he is stressed or anything else. I would behoove me to wait until I am have his focus.

Thanks again for the support and encouragement!

~SE