New Year, New Life, New Me...New Thread!

[always_14]

Hey! Good for you!

Seems that H has encouraged you to have "me" time in the past (though he did get mad that you didn't have it "his" way--the nap incident). In any event, you know that this is something he cares that you have. it's his way of trying.

So, how about approaching it differently. Be excited about the night...ask him to come along. If he can't and starts acting like he doesn't want you to go either, tell him that you would love to still go, you need it--to get recharged. Tell him that you really appreciate his efforts to let you have this, it means a lot to you and really helps you. Obvisouly he feels insecure about you going out (which, I have NO idea why since he is the one who had the A). How can you assure him that nothing will happen...of course he needs to do this for himself too.

OR, you could just come out and tell him that you're not doing this to hurt him, you're trying in the M, and having space like this every once in a while, during the healing process is the best way for you. He needs to see that stopping this is actually hurting the outcome he wants. I needed to wake up to that concept, so sharing.

He obviously feels guilty, and wants everything to snap back as soon as he came home. He's afraid that if he doesn't get the outcome he wants from you, he panicks that it's not working. So, how about assuring him that you're trying, just need some space...it's a healthy thing.

[StrongEnough]

Thanks Always.

H has a problem with me going out alone. If I was going with my mom or someone else, anywhere basically, it's not a problem.


In fairness to him, I have to say that my x-bf works at this place, so I am more then sure that's in his mind. Although he says he trusts me to do the right thing, he has also admitted that he is threatened by him. That is why I am inviting him along with me. I mean, I can see his side of this.....clearly if it was the other way around I would less then thrileed myself. But, I would then make it a point to get the day/night off work, switch my day, and start looking for babysitters.

I don't know.....maybe I should just cancel it.

~SE

[ValerieA]

.....maybe I should just cancel it.

Now why in the world would you say something like that?! WHY???

You need this, SE. Go and enjoy yourself! Have a blast! If H is able to go with you, GREAT! If not, you should still go for YOU.

Don't cancel just to avoid conflict or to spare his feelings. I've done this myself many times so I know how you're feeling.

You have to do for YOU, SE. Hopefully your H can go with you and you're able to have a fantastic time together, but either way, you have to do this for your PMA. You deserve to have fun and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting it!

Like Always said, just be sure to reassure H. If he can't make it, give him all the details he will need to know. Have your cell on you at all times so he can call you when he feels the need.

DON'T YOU DARE CANCEL!!!

[always_14]

To be fair, cause you know I love ya, I think maybe you should find another way to find ME time. Or do it in a way that does NOT threaten H. Like take your mom, or insist on him coming (find a sitter).

You're still in a fragile state, both of you, with trust. I know that you are trustworthy, and he should just believe that, but would it hurt to not push that envelope just yet? To maybe extend a few gestures to let him know that you want him to feel safe? It's a big deal him opening up and telling you that he feels threatened. Basically he feels that he screwed up and you found a person that made you happy, in his eyes, perhaps BETTER. That would make me feel insecure too.

I know you think backing down from this is him controlling you with his insecurities, but this time, I think it's not control, but you doing the nice thing at this stage in your M. Prove to him that nothing is there, it shows that you love him and care for his feelings.

Maybe, he will do the same for you. I think he's still insecure with your love, so it may be a way to show him that you DO love him, listen to him when he opens up.

[always_14]

OK, in my last post, I meant to find another way for ME time b/c of the X-bf being there...not b/c I don't want you to get out.

[StrongEnough]

Valerie....thanks for posting to me! I do need to do something for my PMA, I agree with you on that. But, I don't want H to think that I don't have regard for his concerns. Granted x-b/f and I have been over for 14 months...he is still a thorn in the side of this M. Always is right, my H is insecure because yes, I was a much happier person with x-b/f. H knew I loved him. H used to babysit x-bf's son for us. How weird of a situation is that?????

So, although I may cancel my night there, there is another casino or I could go to the Cape or something. I will get a night away to myself, that I promise. I NEED that right now. And no matter where I go, I always have my cell phone with me, it's always where I can hear it and I have never dodged his call. I have no reason to. Like I said, he says he trusts me....I don't entirely believe that. I think he fears a retaliation A (that is what my mom is doing and we are not speaking so taking her ANYWHERE with me is out of the question) But, I am not a spiteful, bitter person to do something like that.

Always-

Thanks again for the advice. On the issue again I agree with you that me not going is not H's controlling behavior..I am going to invite him and I am going to try and find a sitter. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens when I tell him that I made the plans. It isn't something that would cause a huge blowout...but if he truly has a problem with it, he will be sure I know.

~SE

[ValerieA]

Oops, I guess I overlooked that bit of info ...about ex-bf working there. Hmmm...that is a tough one.

I had something similar in my sitch. The OW worked in the mall, and H would always do his shopping there even though he could very easily shop here in our town. We only live about 15 minutes away from the mall anyway, but yeah, it still bothered me because there was that possibility that he might see OW, and I have to admit, that had me scared to death. I was so afraid that something would start up again between them. I felt very threatened. That's why I mentioned on my thread that if H is going to go there in the future, he needs to tell me so that I am aware of it. I can be "prepared" for it. It's much easier to deal with if I know about his plans, his intentions ahead of time. Understand?

I would still keep the arrangements but only if H is able to go with you. If he can't, and he is showing that he's feeling threatened by this, then perhaps you should consider doing something else for me-time.

How about a spa retreat?

[StrongEnough]

Valerie...lol.....

Yeah, I will use caution with this situation. A spa retreat sounds nice....but I have to say that I am not one who likes to stick to anything scheduled. That's why I choose casino's, the Cape....there is nothing "scheduled". I'm funny like that. I have to have a clear day to feel relaxed.

<Sigh> I just had to show my D10 how to use her new shaver. Kids grow up so darn fast. I'm glad she's using it though and she feels comfortable with it. It's one of those shavers made for teens. Ay yi yi.......shaving, boyfriend, cell phone, computer in her room....I don't think I'm ready for what's next. I feel so OLD.

~SE

[MotherMovingOn]

Hey SE,
I need some tough love--
Come on over would you and smack some sense into me so I can smack some sense into him: Prof. Cakeeater (shamelss self promostion, I know )
Althea

[StrongEnough]

Ok, so this morning we were talking about H going away this week for school with work. He was talking about his hotel reservations, and I thought what better time to bring up my reservations. So, I slipped it into the conversation. I told H that I wasn't trying to be rude or deceitful by not consulting him first, but I booked it anyway because I literally got THE last room at the tournament rate. They book up pretty fast. He asked when it was, I told him it was a Monday night, but we cold still try to find a babysitter.

H's response: "Well, if we can't then you'll have to forfeit the room, that's all." THen he looks at me and says "Oh, were you thinking of going alone". I told him that I was, if we couldn't get a bagysitter but I understood if this was a problem and made him uncomfortable and that I would cancel the whole thing. He said it was alright, to go if I wanted to, it wasn't a problem. Unfortunately, we were talking while he was getting ready for work so he really didn't get to say a whole lot. I will readress this later with him. He knows I have always wanted to do the tournament and when I get the invitations, by the time I try to sign up all the good time slots are taken and the rooms are sold out. For once, I actually got a room and a good time slot.

So, not sure what to make of the situation yet. Like I said, I will readress it with him later when he gets home from work. I don't want to go if it really does make him uncomfortable. I don't want him to spend the night worrying instead of having fun with the kids. But, I also know that he doesn't want to seem controlling and may be pushing his feelings aside and saying go ahead anyway.

Wow, if anyone can create their own drama..it's me. The crazymaker.

~SE