I understand what you're going through. I was really shitty to H. In ways, I felt so neglected by him, had deep assumptions of him and the way he treated me. He was so absorbed in self-pity and misery and let it define him, and that was SO HARD to live with. I took it out in all the wrong ways, b/c when I tried to solve it in practical ways, it never got better. I seriously thought it was the way he was. He is not like that anymore, and has not been for the 1 year he has been out of that job, but I still assume and get scared that will be my life again. Not to place blame AT ALL. I had to pull the plug on my behaviors...H can do his stuff on his own. I guess I assumed of him what he assumes of me now..."she will never get better, this is the way she is." In many ways, H knew how he acted and changed in the last year.
SO....not to wax on my story...BUT...in keeping with my theory of digging and finding the triggers, and assumptions/beliefs behind them, what do you think triggers H and what is he thinking? He's not just being an ass out of the blue? Was he always like this? Is he like this with everyone? What does he assume of YOU? What do you do that triggers his reactions? I'm NOT saying you're at fault, but I want you to take a look at the other side...not just assuming that you're helpless. You can figure this out...it's a puzzle. He must say or do things that give a CLUE. Remember, his assumptions may not be fact, but it's true in his mind and fuels his behavior, so it's useful to you to figure it out and work from there.
Let's take a crack--this may seem harsh, but I luv ya, so don't take offense: He went bizerk b/c he had to do something for YOU and FAMILY. He feels he "does everything." He feels burdened. He feels that you're not helping enough, that he's always pulling the slack. He assumes that b/c you're home, you're not doing enough. You mentioned several surgeries in the recent past...does he think that he had to "take care of you" in an inordinate way that might have "overwhelmed him?" This always deteriorates into a crazy fight. Hmmm.
So, what can you start doing, slowly, to get to these assumptions?
1) To make him feel like he's not "doing everything" (yes, I know he's not), in the mornings, can you make it seem like you want to be a "team" and share a list of things to do with him, and you each take tasks? So he knows that you're doing work. When he gets home, share what you did and what you got done. Ask him about what he did. Act like you were a success TOGETHER.
2) He seems like he feels unappreciated...low self-esteem for lots of reasons. Can you thank him more for things he does? Ask him to do things in a really appreciative way? I know you probably already do this...thank him for sharing the tasks, for sharing the work of selling the house, etc. together. Make him feel like he's part of a team and not just alone doing all the work.
Somewhere in there he DOES care. He wanted you to have ME time. That's great. Take it next time, even if it's just a nap, and thank him a LOT for making you do that. Ask him if he needs the same. Show him that you feel cared by him.
I know this all sounds stupid, but it's all about working at someone's assumptions about themselves and you. It's calming those insecurities and "realities."
Do the same for yourself. What are your issues with H. What triggers and where does it come from?
Sorry if this sounds so elementary, but I just wanted to try to open this up for you.
