Ugh, I'm so sick to my stomach b/c I see myself in all the posts. Also, it's important for the controller to see where this comes from, what are the triggers, and what are your assumptions and perceptions at the time. For me, I get angry, pouty, demanding, controlling when H comes short on things I expect (like you said, you have a vision of what the outcomes should be "if he doesn't call for this...."). Unfair bar that the other person does not know they're being held to. Those were the triggers--ex: H not calling me in time or cancelling plans at the last minute. Underlying assumption: H does not care about me, I'm not a priority. So, leads to my insecurity, fear and low self-esteem and not valuing his love more.
It's frustrating for H, b/c I'm mean, he failed yet another test he didn't know about, so, he stops trying. Withdraws, does anything to avoid a fight, stops talking, or even wanting to make me happy, or wanting me to make him happy, b/c I'm always making him miserable. So disgusting.
I thought about what got me to think that H does not care. To be honest, I'm not placing blame, but found that during our 3-4 years of M, H was in a job that he HATED. Was miserable at and loathed. It consumed him, to the point that he seemed to always be miserable...disengaged as an H. I would plan things together, happy moments and he would be in a sour mood...or come home and push me away and just want to be alone in self-pity. I found myself feeling like I was flying the flag alone and just desperately wanting to feel like a couple, like being married, like I was a priority. H would often say, when I asked him something or felt frustrated or tried to "need" -- "I have nothing left to give...it's been a hard day.." You can only hear that so much and know that you'e at the end of the line each day.
This is NOT to justify my behaviors, but it certainly helps me to dig deep and cut the cords to those feelings. Also, his behavior was "neglect" which looks more benign than what I did (direct disrespect and hurt) but, in many ways, hurt just the same. It was hard for H to see his actions. H also realizes that he needs to do a little more to be engaged, to not always treat our M like it's his emotional dumping ground and that he does not have to give anything.
In it's own way, his behavior was controlling as well..and he finally saw it when I pointed it out to him....when H was happy, then WE could be happy. When H had a miserable day, WE had to wallow in it, or I had to find my own fun.
