New Year, New Life, New Me...New Thread!

[Was2sad]

A massage at the gym
A trip to candle store
A trip to thong store
A trip to NEDB club

Maybe not in that order

[Becca1975]

Haha! Definately new candles, but also something else. How about a pedicure in a massage chair? Best $20 spent. Dinner out at a place H won't go? It is something you have to learn. I used to just not do it because H wouldn't participate,now i'll just do it alone if i have to.

[StrongEnough]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I ended up not going anywhere. It's really cold out and I am so stressed out I ended up taking a little nap, now I feel lousy.

Well, H is pissed at me. He is going out to the store, so I asked him to drop my work and resignation and he flipped out on me. He said he was tired of my putting the sh!t on him that I didn't want to do. I told him fine, leave it here. He grabbed the folder and said "NO, I knew you were going to make me do it anyway". He storms out of the house and slams the door to the car and takes off. Calls two seconds later yelling and screaming at me for it. I reminded him that I told him not to take the f'g thing in the first place. After him bitching and bitching I told him I had said three times I would take it to her in the morning. He asks when in the morning, says fine and hangs up on me. WTF????????

My stress level is through the roof. He wants to sell the house and move. There are things that need to be done for it to be put on the market. He wants me to list all the crap on Ebay..so I did. It all sold. Now he is bitching at me because he came home early today and I could have taken it to the post office but I didnt. Said I am going to put that on him too. Well, do I have to do everything? When does he plan on helping? IS it just me to get this house ready? So, I have to do all the painting, etc? F that. I'll sell as is for less and get an apartment with the kids.

I'm sooo angry right now.

[always_14]

Ugh, I'm so sick to my stomach b/c I see myself in all the posts. Also, it's important for the controller to see where this comes from, what are the triggers, and what are your assumptions and perceptions at the time. For me, I get angry, pouty, demanding, controlling when H comes short on things I expect (like you said, you have a vision of what the outcomes should be "if he doesn't call for this...."). Unfair bar that the other person does not know they're being held to. Those were the triggers--ex: H not calling me in time or cancelling plans at the last minute. Underlying assumption: H does not care about me, I'm not a priority. So, leads to my insecurity, fear and low self-esteem and not valuing his love more.

It's frustrating for H, b/c I'm mean, he failed yet another test he didn't know about, so, he stops trying. Withdraws, does anything to avoid a fight, stops talking, or even wanting to make me happy, or wanting me to make him happy, b/c I'm always making him miserable. So disgusting.

I thought about what got me to think that H does not care. To be honest, I'm not placing blame, but found that during our 3-4 years of M, H was in a job that he HATED. Was miserable at and loathed. It consumed him, to the point that he seemed to always be miserable...disengaged as an H. I would plan things together, happy moments and he would be in a sour mood...or come home and push me away and just want to be alone in self-pity. I found myself feeling like I was flying the flag alone and just desperately wanting to feel like a couple, like being married, like I was a priority. H would often say, when I asked him something or felt frustrated or tried to "need" -- "I have nothing left to give...it's been a hard day.." You can only hear that so much and know that you'e at the end of the line each day.

This is NOT to justify my behaviors, but it certainly helps me to dig deep and cut the cords to those feelings. Also, his behavior was "neglect" which looks more benign than what I did (direct disrespect and hurt) but, in many ways, hurt just the same. It was hard for H to see his actions. H also realizes that he needs to do a little more to be engaged, to not always treat our M like it's his emotional dumping ground and that he does not have to give anything.

In it's own way, his behavior was controlling as well..and he finally saw it when I pointed it out to him....when H was happy, then WE could be happy. When H had a miserable day, WE had to wallow in it, or I had to find my own fun.

[StrongEnough]

Always- We have a lot to learn from each other. You are very much in a place I wish my H could be, but I think he will never reach it either.

I ended up going to drop the stuff off. When he came home he was snippy and shitty, slamming doors, etc. Then got pissed b/c he realized there was no sugar and he had to go back out. I asked him if that was my fault. He said it wasn't so I told him to stop taking it out on me. Another explosion from him and he pouts off into the other room.

Fast forard......I say NOTHING...get my keys, head out. Now that I am back and typing he comes out here all nice-nice..."OH, did you drop off your work" TO which I replied with a very short "Yup". More arguing ensued. I told him he had no right to act like an @sshole and treat me that way, and he said the same went for me. I told him I asked him, he said he didn't want to, I said fine, I'll do it tomorrow. He wants me to admit that I am wrong. I refuse to.

So...he says "You have all your boyfriends on there to talk to so who needs me right?". I did my best validation and smiled at him and said "That's right".

Needless to say, he stormed off again. THis my friends, is a typical day in my life. Why did I ever get bacl together wtih him? Now that he has me literally by the b@lls...I am screwed if I don't stay with him. Fell right into his little plan.

Stupid girl. I never learn.

~SE

[StrongEnough]

Evil brainstorm......

I have to get my house ready for the market. How about we branch out the NE Db'ers get together to a national Db'ers get together. I will rent a dunk tank and our spouse's or WAS will be put in the tank and we can dunk them while we get the house ready.

Sounds like fun to me. I'll even make it open bar...and all you can eat. (NO COMMENT C4H)

Any takers? Come on...there really isn't a lot to do here. Clean up the yard, paint the hall, organize, wash windows and clean out the gutters and garage.

[always_14]

OK, sweetie, take a breather. Deep breaths. Calm.

I understand what you're going through. I was really shitty to H. In ways, I felt so neglected by him, had deep assumptions of him and the way he treated me. He was so absorbed in self-pity and misery and let it define him, and that was SO HARD to live with. I took it out in all the wrong ways, b/c when I tried to solve it in practical ways, it never got better. I seriously thought it was the way he was. He is not like that anymore, and has not been for the 1 year he has been out of that job, but I still assume and get scared that will be my life again. Not to place blame AT ALL. I had to pull the plug on my behaviors...H can do his stuff on his own. I guess I assumed of him what he assumes of me now..."she will never get better, this is the way she is." In many ways, H knew how he acted and changed in the last year.

SO....not to wax on my story...BUT...in keeping with my theory of digging and finding the triggers, and assumptions/beliefs behind them, what do you think triggers H and what is he thinking? He's not just being an ass out of the blue? Was he always like this? Is he like this with everyone? What does he assume of YOU? What do you do that triggers his reactions? I'm NOT saying you're at fault, but I want you to take a look at the other side...not just assuming that you're helpless. You can figure this out...it's a puzzle. He must say or do things that give a CLUE. Remember, his assumptions may not be fact, but it's true in his mind and fuels his behavior, so it's useful to you to figure it out and work from there.

Let's take a crack--this may seem harsh, but I luv ya, so don't take offense: He went bizerk b/c he had to do something for YOU and FAMILY. He feels he "does everything." He feels burdened. He feels that you're not helping enough, that he's always pulling the slack. He assumes that b/c you're home, you're not doing enough. You mentioned several surgeries in the recent past...does he think that he had to "take care of you" in an inordinate way that might have "overwhelmed him?" This always deteriorates into a crazy fight. Hmmm.

So, what can you start doing, slowly, to get to these assumptions?

1) To make him feel like he's not "doing everything" (yes, I know he's not), in the mornings, can you make it seem like you want to be a "team" and share a list of things to do with him, and you each take tasks? So he knows that you're doing work. When he gets home, share what you did and what you got done. Ask him about what he did. Act like you were a success TOGETHER.

2) He seems like he feels unappreciated...low self-esteem for lots of reasons. Can you thank him more for things he does? Ask him to do things in a really appreciative way? I know you probably already do this...thank him for sharing the tasks, for sharing the work of selling the house, etc. together. Make him feel like he's part of a team and not just alone doing all the work.

Somewhere in there he DOES care. He wanted you to have ME time. That's great. Take it next time, even if it's just a nap, and thank him a LOT for making you do that. Ask him if he needs the same. Show him that you feel cared by him.

I know this all sounds stupid, but it's all about working at someone's assumptions about themselves and you. It's calming those insecurities and "realities."

Do the same for yourself. What are your issues with H. What triggers and where does it come from?

Sorry if this sounds so elementary, but I just wanted to try to open this up for you.

[StrongEnough]

Thanks Always...I am going to have to take these one at a time.

what do you think triggers H and what is he thinking? He's not just being an ass out of the blue? Was he always like this? Is he like this with everyone? What does he assume of YOU? What do you do that triggers his reactions?

What triggers H? I honestly don't know. He told me to take some "me" time and go to the mall or something. I had a slamming headache and chose a nap. When I got up he was pissed because I didn't tell him I was napping instead of going out. That in turn, pissed me off because as usual it leaves me feeling like there is a price tag for anything I do that doesn't involve him.

2) Was he being an ass out of the blue? I think he was, yes.
3) Is he like this with everyone? Nope, just me.
4) Was he like this before? For as long as I have known him.
5) What did I do to trigger his reaction? Asked him to do something for me while he was out.

Let's take a crack--this may seem harsh, but I luv ya, so don't take offense: He went bizerk b/c he had to do something for YOU and FAMILY. He feels he "does everything." He feels burdened. He feels that you're not helping enough, that he's always pulling the slack. He assumes that b/c you're home, you're not doing enough. You mentioned several surgeries in the recent past...does he think that he had to "take care of you" in an inordinate way that might have "overwhelmed him?" This always deteriorates into a crazy fight. Hmmm.

He may feel like he does everything, but he does practically nothing lately. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, care for the kids, and such. Now I am trying to balance that w/ getting the house ready AND trying to work from home. I had to give something up, so I gave up the work from home on H's urging. (I think now it was another ploy for control because now I technically don't work) On his days off, he sits at his computer and plays his game. That's what he does. Occasionally he will help out, but not very often lately. At the time I had the surgeries, he wasn't working as he was in the process of selling the business. And yes, he used to complain to me that it stressed him out. I don't mind doing everything while I am home. But, I can't be painting and repairing AND watching my S2 at the same time.

He is very insecure and has low self-esteem, but I don't see how it ties in to events like tonight. Again, yes it was nice of him to suggest I take some "me" time...but I knew it had a price and I am paying it now.

Do the same for yourself. What are your issues with H. What triggers and where does it come from?

1) What are my issues with H? He's an ass.
2) What triggers and where does it come from? He acts like an ass.

Beyond him being an ass. I can't see much else right now. I think I am still a little heated.

To answer another one of your questions on the task list, we have one. Nothing is getting done. I am really sensing there is another reason that he is putting off this move. I am ready to pack up and go......he is very hesitant. He wanted this for a long time, now I'm ready and he is dragging his sorry ass around. Well, in the end, I don't need him to help. I can always recruit my brother's ex g/f, my dad, etc. They will help me. I can put this house on the market and sign all the paperwork, it's in my name only. I can do ALL this without even consulting him. That is a HUGE "I am taking control" statement. When and if the house sells and he isn't ready....I leave without him. I am just really disgusted and that's the point I am at right now.

Sorry....just not in a good place.

[StrongEnough]

Ok, I'm heading to bed. If not, I am going to just keep getting more annoyed. H comes out here to smoke (our pc's are in the breezeway, we don't smoke in the house) and sits with his back to me. He knows, from the million times I have asked him not to do that, that is the one thing that goes up my butt sideways. It is disrespectful and infantile. It's a grown man acting like our D10.

*Hmmph...I'm angry and I am not going to look at you*

Okay, thanks Always for your advice. Hopefully tomorrow I will be in a better mindframe to tackle those questions a little better.

G'nite all.

[WCW]

Whew! you've had quite a strong enough day! A few thoughts...
1) Can't repair and paint and take of S2 at the same time - is there a sitter or relative or daycare S2 can go for half a day while you work?
2) H does nothing to help you. Didn't you just talk about Friday when you helped him with the basement? got it all cleaned out and cleaned up?
3) "Me time" - does he think Me Time only counts as getting out of the house? and you went and took a nap, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but he may think it doesn't count an Me Time.
4) He's dragging his feet? back to point 2.
5) Do you talk to H's face like you talk about him here? calling him names,etc??? or is this venting here?