New Year, New Life, New Me...New Thread!

[Becca1975]

So, he in turn will sit there and say that he doesn't control what I do, that he lets me do what I want......but infact no matter what, there is always a small amount of control.

Bada Freaking Bing!

My H is exactly that same way. He should be able to do what he wants and if I say anything then I am controlling, yet on the occasion that I had to go away on a weekend for work, he had an absolute [censored] fit. He thinks I am the controlling one but he ALWAYS found a way to do the same thing or worse to me.

[Trying]

SE~ F*** It, let's book a room at the casino this weekend! email me [e-mail]

[CRAZEE4HER]

WOW this feel good (I mean the exchange of ideas)

This is sort of an awakening for me as well. I was accused of being controlling in my M. And now I can see another reason that it happened. Maybe in my current R, I can avoid the BS.

There is more to to this whole issue of control too. Another facet if you will. I found that often I would get a picture in my minds eye of what the ideal outcome of situation or and event would/should. Accurate or not, based in reality or the realm of possibility or not. I would have that image in my mind.

If reality didn't live up to that expectation, if the best laid plans went awry then on comes the attitude. Pout - get angry - control, control, control - make her feel bad she'll do what I want.

Try this for and example (No, this didn't really happen, but it could have.)

Big romantic evening planned, dinner reservations, theater tickets, some little romantic suprises planned throughout the evening, baby sitter is on her way to the house. Possibity of hot sex at the end of the evening. Thirty minutes before we head out the door the five year old decides to come down with a 102 degree fever, an puke up everything ingested over the last three days. Damn, Damn, Damn. If I get mad, if I pout, if I act selfishly and try real hard I can manipulate this situation, we'll still go out, I'll still get laid.

Yeah - right. Reality isn't matching the expectations, so try to make it fit, but it won't it never will. Now it all goes down hill from here.

The person trying to manipulate or control the situation can't so they feel bad. The person being manipulated or controlled, feels bad, either because they are made to feel that they've dissapointed their spouse or because they are being bullied by their spouse.

Everybody feel bad and resentment is in full bloom.

Does this sound at all familiar?

You really should be paying me for this stuff today. Maybe we can work something out. Wink, Wink.

[StrongEnough]

Always...goreat job in recognizing your control issues, facing them and changing them!It is sad but true that it is all a form of emotional abuse. I think in all R's there is some from of emotional abuse or another from both parties. Not saying it should be this way or it's healthy, it's just a fact. H likes to tell me when I use the words "controlling" or "manipulative" that I am emotionally and verbally abusing him. Is it true? I have no idea. Maybe it is.

Becca- Yes, that kind of control you speak of is somewhat like my H. I mean if you think about it...He lets me go the casino when I want, but never spend a night there. (He has good reason for one casino but not the other) He has me on a tight leash. He doesn't trust me.....when he is the one who cheated. It must all stem fom insecurity and fear. I just love it when he tells me to go have a good time (usually I would go with my mom) and then three hours later is calling to see when I am coming home. But, when he knows full well he has broken trust by having an A...when he works outrageously late and does styuupid things like leave his shirt in the car and come in the house without one on, I am the controlling because I want explanations. Man, they are pro's at messing with your head aren't they? No wonder I saw things so much clearer when we were seperated. This was a great thing to discuss today, I have learned a lot that I never understood before.

All in all, there's no chance he!! that he is going to admit to his behavior anytime soon. Mere mention of those two words and his blood pressure skyrockets to the point his ears turn red.

Thanks everyone! Feel free to keep those thoughts coming1

[CRAZEE4HER]

It really hits home when you read things that say these behaviors are a form of abuse...emotional abuse. That is HARD to read and to digest, but it's true. I finally was able to utter those words to H....I was ashamed but felt good to admit it. It feels human.

Anybody else hear the warning sirens. Always is absolutely correct. This is ABUSE, emotional blackmail. If your doing it be ashamed, I am. If it's being done to you, don't tolerate it detach. Don't let the bastards (like me) wear you down.

Wow - I don't mean to be that hard on myself. I'm saving my hard for someone else

[StrongEnough]

If it's being done to you, don't tolerate it detach

Well, you know how hard it is to detach when you are in a controlling R> Any tips on how to successfully do so?

LOL.....at your last comment. Darn lucky person!

[CRAZEE4HER]

SE,
That's a hard...Er, difficult question to answer. I'm really on the wrong side of the fence. I'm the controlling jerk, a self aware controlling jerk, and hopefully in recovery, but I don't know how to advise you on the detachment thing.

Let me give it some thought. I'll try to imagine what might have worked on me. My problem is I became self aware too late, at least for my last R, but just in time for my next.

[StrongEnough]

C4H-
I know it's difficult for you because you are the controller. But I appreciate you putting time and thought into helping me. Also, just like with Always...it's a great thing that you realize this about yourself and take an active part in changing your behavior.

Well, H is home and I am going stir crazy. I haven't been out of the house in literally days...my son is being a typical terrible two year old......the lady I contract work from is leaving me nasty messages. She is getting my resignation tonight with a nice letter how I don't appreciate her accusations.

So, H is telling me to get in the shower and take of to the mall or something to get some "me" time. I haven't had me time in so long, I honestly don't know what to do.

Any suggestions anyone????

[StrongEnough]

Ok, so my last post shows how truly pathetic my life is. Time to do something and nothing to do! Isn't that always the way??? I guess I could go browse around my fav. stores at the mall. I could use some more Yankee Candles. I don't know. Decisions, decisions.

[CRAZEE4HER]

Any suggestions anyone????

Do you really want me to go there?